1. “I drifted over to a deserted gate, took a seat, and popped a few of the salty nuts in my mouth, grinding them into paste till my jaw hurt.”
2. “Whoa, a Tony Roma’s onion loaf on my head.”
3. “He leaned in toward me with a look of menace. Actually, a little more Dennis than menace.”
4. “I dreamt I was an abacus, or a billiards scorekeeping rack, I don’t know which. Faceless fifteenth-century soldiers, with dirty fingernails, kept sliding my alabaster Life Savers over. It hurt every time, but I had to take it, their grubby mitts, greasy with chicken fat, sliming up my counting stones. I knew I couldn’t ever get clean.”
5. “The slot machine in my mind spun helter-skelter, finally stopping on the three familiar words it landed on so very often: Trust. No. One.”
6. “I was suddenly aware of how close our bodies were to each other, how her musky scent drew me in.”
7. “That was her passion. Shapes. Deducing their properties. Turning postulates into theorems.”
8. “May Moses smash my nuts with the Ten Commandments if I’m lying.”
9. “‘Nobody disturbs anybody in my sphincter … I mean, my sector,’ he chortled. ‘Must have forgot to take my Metamucil with lunch.’”
10. “He gave me the discerning gaze of a wise old man — a good man who’d carved maybe sixty Thanksgiving turkeys, seen wars, buried friends.”
11. “I dreamt I was a fresh cruller in a brightly lit case in a doughnut shop, clad in nothing but a sugar glaze.”
12. “I started singing to the tune of ‘La Cucaracha’: ‘I’m a ge-nius, I’m a ge-nius, I’m a really coo-ool duuude. I’m a ge-nius, I’m a ge-nius, and that’s a winning attitu-u-ude.’”
13. “Antonyms rained on me like wedding rice.”
14. “Nolo started singing to the tune of ‘Jingle Bells’: ‘What fun it is to laugh and sing a … “slaying” song tonight.’”
15. “I dreamt I was a slice of Wonder bread lying on a tile counter. A beautiful girl in sunglasses … scooped out a slab of peanut butter and spread it all over me, sweeping the knife neatly back and forth the way they do on Jif commercials. The peanut butter felt cool and soothing. Then she dipped the knife into the second jar, digging out a glob of marshmallow which she spread on top of my peanut-butter blanket like a skier carving fresh sweet snow. As the girl looked down on me, her waiting ‘fluffer-nutter,’ a slice of pumpernickel bread flew into the room. My anger made me hot and my peanut-butter-and-marshmallow spread began to melt. Suddenly the slice of bread landed on me, suffocating me. I struggled against its force, heard its perverse laugh. I couldn’t speak or scream because I was bread. Then it occured to me I wasn’t ordinary bread, I was Wonder bread.”
16. “Thoughts and feeling swooped down on me like Hitchcock’s birds.”
17. “There are no back roads to take, no freeways to hop, nothing but nature, cheese shops, and oompah bands.”
18. “We hobbled in like a couple of Yodas.”
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Is this for real?
And is this for real: “Film rights have been purchased. Tom Cruise will star. Enough said.”
Yes, these lines are straight from the text.
I can’t see Tom Cruise doing a movie version, though. If he can’t have DA VINCI CODE, why would he settle?
My God, these are horrible metaphors!
I dreamed I was reading this book, I was horrified, as horrified as my teeth felt reading the line about making paste of salty peanuts haha.
Tell me this is a self pub and not from a huge company.