James Patterson catches lots of flak for pooping out a new hardcover every few months – some of them cranked out with the aid of other writers who do most of the work for least of the credit, most of them topping the bestseller lists. He seems determined to rule every area of bookstore shelves, writing thrillers, mysteries, romances and even kids’ novels.

So why, then, did I choose to read STEP ON A CRACK, a debut novel for undoubtedly his latest cash-cow franchise? Call it morbid curiosity – a desire to see what the fuss was all about. I’d had passages of Patterson read to me mockingly before, and they struck me as the most basic, perfunctory prose one could find in populist fiction. But I needed to read one on my own, because if I’m going to be a Patterson snob, at least I’d be an informed Patterson snob.

This Patterson snob found much to dislike in STEP ON A CRACK, cowritten with Michael Ledwidge. Yet there’s actually not a damn thing wrong with the premise: Bad guys kill the wife of the President of the United States at Christmastime so they can hold her star-studded funeral hostage. That’s the surefire stuff of crowd-pleasers. It’s the execution that kills it.

The hero is Michael Bennett, an Irish detective in New York. So far, so good. He’s also the father of 10 children. Uh-oh. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why 10 children were necessary; the number serves no discernible purpose. Sure, the authors’ intent is to show that Bennett’s life is awfully crazy-busy, but you can do that with three kids, and I speak from experience. That Bennett’s wife also is in the hospital – all 90 pounds and her lady parts ravaged by disease – just opens the door for ham-handed treacle. Recognizing this, Patterson and Ledwidge bust through that door, knocking it off its hinges and damaging the frame beyond repair.

In the midst of this huge, media-frenzied hostage situation, Bennett is constantly leaving his negotiating post to go sit at his wife’s bedside or check on the kids at home. One easily can improve STEP by half by skipping these family-related chapters outright, thus saving you from overdosing on saccharine passages like when Bennett and one of his many CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN daughters refer to each other as “Daddy Peep” and “Baby Peep.”

When he is doing his job, the levelheaded Bennett does it with expected skill, trying to save the lives of the 30-ish actors, singers, politicans, athletes and other high-profile persons inside the church. Each is modeled not-so-thinly on real-life celebs like Jim Carrey, Oprah Winfrey, Paris Hilton and Anna Wintour. As cheesy at that seems, the dialogue is cheesier; the mastermind behind the whole charade ends a negotiation call with Bennett with the words “Smell you later.” Phew!

Unbeknowst to Bennett, there’s another criminal partner not inside the church, helping to run the show. He’s known as “the Neat Man,” because of his propensity to utilize voluminous amounts of rubbing alcohol and Wet-Naps on his face and hands following every kill. Neat? Nah.

Here’s the thing: If you stripped STEP down to its bare skeleton, you’d have an awesome treatment for a DIE HARD sequel I’d get in line to see. Consider the elements: hostage takeover with ski masks and firepower, surprise assault via tunnel, car chases through city streets, showdown inside Sing Sing – can’t you just picture Bruce Willis donning the white tanktop already? –Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THIS AUTHOR:
• THRILLER: STORIES TO KEEP YOU UP ALL NIGHT edited by James Patterson