BULLETS, BROADS, BLACKMAIL & BOMBS >> Tuesday’s Gone

I had a plethora of titles I could have used for this column of books that all fit the day-of-the-week motif, but I figured I’d go with that tried-and-true tune from Lynyrd Skynyrd, a band you don’t hear much on classic rock radio anymore. If you believe that, I’ve got some oceanfront property in Arizona to sell you. This week brings back some names that have a laid a bit dormant in my reading, including a detective couple of sorts that never disappoints and a rabbi who takes after Columbo. But to start things off is one of the many creations from that prolific Australian with the coolest covers.

DIE ANYTIME, AFTER TUESDAY! by Carter Brown — There is nothing quite like reading a Carter Brown book, especially since it never taxes the mind and can be done in less time than watching a movie. This 1969 one is part of the series featuring Rick Holman, our favorite Hollywood troubleshooter.

The story is pretty straightforward from the get-go. Comedian Sam Sorel is in a panic. He has been receiving letters threatening that he will be killed. But who would want to kill him? How about any one of his three ex-wives? Rick visits each one of these women from Sam past to find out.

Could it be his first wife, Linda, who tells stories of Sam wanting her to be like his mother? Add in the fact that Linda now pitches for the other team, which drove Sam to the brink of turning up a few months earlier to beat her up. Or could it be the starlet Jackie Slater, who spends her time by the pool looking for another man to get her claws into, making no bones about it that she would have no problem adding Rick to her conquests. Jackie also relates a story that paints Sam as a real monster. Finally, there is Beverly Quillen, a woman who seems to be way too smart to fall for someone like Sam.

But who is behind these letters? Well, one of the wives is proved innocent right away … when she winds up dead.

Brown’s style is so set that you see why he was so popular. I mean, I’d be happier with a stack of Carter Browns any day than some pile of books that are supposed to be must-reads, but turn out to be must-snoozes. The Brown books go by so fast that you’ll just want to grab another one to pass the time. They truly are some of the most disposable reading out there, which, for someone like me who can devour books like potato chips, keeps me coming back for more.

But please take this advice to heart: Never pay any out-of-control prices for them, since you will feel cheated that it took no time to read and, a day later, will be completely forgotten. But at least you get some kick-ass covers from Robert McGinnis.

FOOLS DIE ON FRIDAY by A.A. Fair — Even though he wrote countless more Perry Mason stories, Erle Stanley Gardner’s Cool and Lam tandem under his Fair pseudonym keeps me returning to him, mainly for their interaction and to enjoy Donald Lam’s constant ability to be one step ahead. This 1947 novel is no different from others in the series, where Bertha Cool only cares about the payment, and Donald saves a damsel in distress while spending Bertha’s money.

Our twosome is hired by a woman to protect her boss, whom she believes is about to be killed by his wife. From the outset, Donald starts poking holes into her story, especially when it’s obvious she gave a fake name with a clue even a blind man can see. Still, Bertha believes in the almighty dollar and tells Donald to do what he does best: Work on the case.

Of course, he inserts himself right into the action by meeting this husband and wife, Gerald and Daphne Ballwin, first visiting Gerald at his realty office where Donald has no luck, except in meeting Gerald’s former brother-in-law, who comes off as a layabout with a few cards up his sleeve. Then Donald heads over to visit Daphne with a scheme of his own to get his foot in the door: He tells her that he is an advertising guy and has chosen her to be a spokesperson for anchovy paste.

That paste plays a central part to the rest of the story. As Fair even says at the closing, that was the start of the chain reaction of events to follow. Add to the fact the client herself works for Daphne under her real name and is none too pleased to see Donald there under some bizarre scheme. I’m barely scratching the surface of the mystery, especially since Donald and Bertha can’t save Gerald’s life. But not to worry, because Daphne also winds up dead herself, both killed by arsenic poisoning.

For the culprit, I had my suspicions throughout the book, but it’s never that simple in Gardner’s world of mysteries. Also, there is a very funny bit dealing with Donald playing a long shot and Bertha wanting a piece of the action, which is even made funnier when Donald explains the system at the end of the book. Throw in a pretty young lady for Donald to fall for and will do whatever he can to protect her, and you have yourself another great entry in the world of Cool & Lam.

SUNDAY THE RABBI STAYED HOME by Harry Kemelman — Forty years can truly age a story. I’ve covered older books which still are engaging, but for some reason, this series has not been done any justice over time. With this 1969 installment, it has nothing to do with the explaining of certain Jewish traditions, but more to the fact that the dangerous drug that hits town is marijuana.

I mean, this book was written the same year Woodstock and Altamont happened. I think marijuana was the least of the worries, but I digress. The story is centered around the Jewish holiday of Passover, that kick-ass holiday where you eat drywall — I mean, matzoh. The first two-thirds deal with David Small and his congregation of power-hungry businessmen who want to control it.

I really wish I was being flippant, but there is no mention of a crime until there are only 60 pages left. All this did was remind me why I would try and leave Rosh Hashanah dinner faster than a speeding bullet, because hearing about temple boards is about as fascinating as watching paint dry.

The crime concerns a former college football player named Moose, killed and left for dead in an old abandoned property. Moose was selling pot and someone wasn’t happy about that and killed him. Yeah, just like what Stringer Bell would do in THE WIRE — that was just a tad bit of sarcasm. Of course, the rabbi, being a sort of Jewish Columbo, puts the pieces together to figure out the culprit, with the added bonus that the last people to see Moose alive were children of his temple’s board.

I mean, the mystery is really not much of one. The case gets solved, the rabbi is considered a hero. It all leads right into the next book, which changes locations in a big way. At some point, I might cover it, but if it aged as poorly as this one, I might pass, because no one wants to eat stale matzoh … or fresh, for that matter.

Next time: I’m leaving on a jet plane. —Bruce Grossman

Buy them at Amazon.

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF CARTER BROWN:
• AND THE UNDEAD SING by Carter Brown
• BLONDE ON A BROOMSTICK by Carter Brown
• THE CLOWN by Carter Brown
• THE DESIRED by Carter Brown
• THE EVER-LOVING BLUES by Carter Brown
• THE HONG KONG CAPER by Carter Brown
• THE LADY IS TRANSPARENT by Carter Brown
• MURDER IN THE FAMILY WAY by Carter Brown
• MURDER IS A PACKAGE DEAL by Carter Brown
• THE NEVER-WAS GIRL by Carter Brown
• THE WANTON by Carter Brown

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF ERLE STANLEY GARDNER:
• BATS FLY AT DUSK by Erle Stanley Gardner
• THE BIGGER THEY COME by Erle Stanley Gardner
• THE CASE OF THE HESITANT HOSTESS by Erle Stanley Gardner
• THE CASE OF THE WAYLAID WOLF by Erle Stanley Gardner
• THE CASEBOOK OF SIDNEY ZOOM by Erle Stanley Gardner
• CROWS CAN’T COUNT by Erle Stanley Gardner
• THE DANGER ZONE AND OTHER STORIES by Erle Stanley Gardner
• GOLD COMES IN BRICKS by Erle Stanley Gardner
• PERRY MASON SOLVES THE CASE OF THE PHANTOM FORTUNE by Erle Stanley Gardner
• SOME SLIPS DON’T SHOW by Erle Stanley Gardner
• SOME WOMEN WON’T WAIT by Erle Stanley Gardner
• TRY ANYTHING ONCE by Erle Stanley Gardner

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF HARRY KEMELMAN:
• FRIDAY THE RABBI SLEPT LATE by Harry Kemelman
• SATURDAY THE RABBI WENT HUNGRY by Harry Kemelman

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