It’s theme month for my little column, with four weeks of books all about espionage. We’re talking all kinds of spies, from series we’ve covered to some new little surprises I’ve been meaning to cover. So break out your secret decoder rings and a black or white suit with a snazzy hat to match and enjoy.

THE DESTROYER #48: PROFIT MOTIVE by Warren Murphy and Richard Sapir – I figured we could start off the month with one of my new faves: Remo Williams. Plus, the Destroyer books can be read in like three hours on a lazy Sunday morning.

In this 1982 “supernovel,” Remo and Chiun face an enemy this time like no other. No, not another killer android or some delusional madmen, but a computer program. Yes, a computer program bent on profit motive (hence the title), the creation of some ultra-liberal scientist who came up with the program by mistake then regretted it immediately. The program slowly builds up a dummy company that controls all these other businesses, taking care of any obstacles in its greedy way.

I know it sounds really weird that a computer is bent on money, but just go with it, folks. With no idea who is behind it all, Remo and Chiun are called into operation. When it’s discovered that a company has developed a bacteria that can do away with all the oil in the world, the pair impersonates college professors to gain access to the corpotation behind it.

This book is just packed with brutal spy action for all the Remo fans out there, with hired killers, deceptive women and a duel to the death between Remo and Chiun. This is probably the first of the series that is blatantly leaning toward the right, but don’t let that keep you from reading these books, regardless of your politics. Sure, they might be a bit slanted here, but it does not take away from the fun. It’s scary how relevant PROFIT MOTIVE’s whole oil storyline is today.

THE UNHATCHED EGGHEAD by Ted Mark – From the erotic files of THE MAN FROM O.R.G.Y. comes 1966’s THE UNHATCHED EGGHEAD, which introduces us to a brilliant, good-looking 17-year-old boy – the bastard offspring a brilliant scientist and a really hot dancer, like if Charlize Theron started sleeping with physicists or certain book reviewers.

This is not a spy story per se, but more of a espionage tale. Our teenage hero Archimedes Jones, still a virgin, is so smart that some of his close friends are genius-level scientists. When one arrives in town with a zest for women and a secret paper of how to turn zinc to gold, he arranges for our innocent Archimedes to spend the evening with a pro while he partakes with another. Well, this being what it is, the professor is shot dead and the girl is gone. From here on out, A.J. – as he is referred to in the book – is on the chase with a list of suspects, one that might be the missing woman. All this does is set up scene after scene of A.J. almost losing his virginity, but stumbles into a lesbian couple, a family of converted Jews, the shooting of a very graphic porn film and another virgin who is going out with a bad-tempered cop.

Look, Ted Mark knows who this book is geared toward and it’s all in fun. I mean, toward the end, it just gets out of control with people involved showing up at the same party, then an ending in which every kind of bad guy is there to take the formula for themselves. The main reason I bought this book? The cover. That’s officially the hottest chick book cover featured here on BOOKGASM – well, until Tara Moss agrees to do an interview with me.

THE SPY WHO HATED LICORICE by Richard L. Hershatter – The cover of this 1966 novel screams “FOR ADULTS ONLY,” but this is PG-13, if anything. In it, a just-graduated law student by the name of Rand Stannard gets recruited for the world of espionage. Right before his exams, a mysterious military type shows up with a detailed history of Rand that even his mother would not know. Rand is selected for duty since a girl he went out with – and is about to make a return visit – might be tied to a spy organization called Licorice (Licensed Organization for International Crime and Espionage). So the spy outfit Rand has joined is called DIA. It’s never explained what that means, but his codename is – get ready to chuckle – Six-X. Oh, that’s just so adult, I might blush.

Once he meets up with his former girlfriend, he finds her engaged and then in her bathroom with an L carved into her. So now Rand is on a mission to break up Licorice and find the killers. LICORICE is a fun spy romp and actually has a great torture idea: handcuffing Rand under a freight car on a train with enough slack that it will kill him. But this being a spy novel, of course, he escapes, only to team up with a Taiwanese belly dancer/secret agent. The evil plot that Licorice has devised is to blow up the U.N. during a huge conference attended by all the world leaders.

Does Rand – the spy for a month – save the day? Read the book. I’m guessing this was supposed to be the start of a series with this character, but this is the only one I’ve come across. But to be brutally honest, it’s just not that engaging. Sure, there are some clever ideas, but on the whole, it reads like third-rate spy fiction – another case of a book cover promising one thing and not delivering. I call shenanigans on you, Signet.

Next time: Bangkok! Oriental city! –Bruce Grossman

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MISS EARLIER INSTALLMENTS OF ‘BULLETS, BROADS, BLACKMAIL & BOMBS’? REGASM THESE:
• #19: I Hate Illinois Nazis
• #18: Watching the Detectives
• #17: Lights! Camera! Action!
• #16: Go West
• #15: Speedy Reading in the Summertime

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THESE AUTHORS:
• THE DESTROYER #14: JUDGMENT DAY by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #22: BRAIN DRAIN by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• GRANDMASTER by Warren Murphy