Will I ever get a certain 1980s song out of my head? Sing the column title twice in a row and I think it will all come rushing back to you Fixx fans. Anyway, this time out, we head to the Far East for our little excursions, as Communist China is behind all these tomes. We’ve got a real stinker this week; it’s not the first time and probably won’t be the last. Before I forget, this is column number 21, which means I can now buy drinks. Sorry to break the news to one of my fellow contributors, but I’m more a Guinness or gin & tonic man.

FESTIVAL FOR SPIES by E. Howard Hunt writing as David St. John – For a book less than 150 pages, I still have no clue what happened. It’s a total mess in my opinion. I’m not talking about a plot that just meanders and goes nowhere – I’m talking about some pompous ass trying to appeal to the Ivy League set. Hey, Howie, this is a spy book, not some damn thesis about Asian governments.

The 1966 title is part of the Peter Ward series from Hunt, a former CIA man himself. For a guy who actually did this for a living, I would think he would want to at least have some fun with it, but I was lost from page one. I felt like I needed Cliff’s Notes to follow it, and the last time I used those old yellow-and-black books was in college for MOLL FLANDERS.

First, you get a confusing backstory with all these names that are so similar, it’s not even funny. Then you get the confusion of what the hell his mission even is. I finished the whole thing and I still don’t know. Something about a blackmail plot or trying to have a Communist Chinese agent switch sides. You got me. I should have learned after I read another one of Hunt’s books. I should just sell the rest to some used bookstore and forget it. Even the two scenes of brutal violence could not raise my interest. Avoid at all costs, and remember: I suffer so you don’t.

MACAO by Nick Carter – Time to wash out that bitter taste the last book left with a palette cleanser, in the form of another entry in the never-ending Nick Carter, Killmaster series, this one from 1968. Now for those familiar with Carter, you can usually count on two things: sex and violence. Except this is the first Nick Carter with no sex – at least none involving our hero.

The basic plot is this English gent has a film of a Portuguese princess tripping on LSD, then forced to have sex with said Englishmen. How quaint. The englishmen sets up a bidding war for the flick between a African prince, a member of the Portuguese secret police and a Chinese colonel, all of whom have reasons for getting their hands on this film. The British gent is brutally killed, with his genitals cut off and stuck in his mouth. Now you know I’ve read too many books when I say I’m kinda getting sick of this means of disposal.

Nick enters the book by saving a very drunk girl – the princess – from being gang-raped. This sets MACAO off on a charted course, with Nick and his new lady friend making their way to Macao to kill a Chinese colonel who is also an albino. It takes a while for the body count to really show in this book, but this being Nick Carter, you won’t be disappointed. Especially by the colonel’s sadistic way of torturing people: It makes WILLARD look like a kid’s show on Animal Planet. How does Nick get through this one? Read the damn book already.

ASSIGNMENT BANGKOK by Edward S. Aarons – Sam Durell: the man with the plan when the shit hits the fan. This time out – 1972 – Sam is on a mission to find one of his pals that might be captured or – even worse – have turned on him. The book actually opens with Sam being a prisoner in a tiny cage from which he breaks free, only to be recaptured a few moments later. Poor Sam Durell – it looks like everyone knows that he is a spy and what his mission is. Somewhere in his organization, there lies a mole, but that’s only part of the problem. He finds out later his real mission is to disrupt an opium/heroin ring happening deep in jungle territory, infested with the Red Chinese.

Who can Sam trust? The brother-and-sister team in which the brother is the missing pal he has yet to find? His CIA field boss whose secretary seems to know more then she lets on? A Bangkok general? The colonel who shows up whenever trouble rears its head? Or how about the businessman who doubles as the local toughie?

Actually, this is one of the later Durell novels and some of the seams show on the story. It’s still better than some of the spy fiction out there, but this would not be the book that would get you hooked on the series. Still, it’s a worthwhile attempt from a man who cranked out these books like a machine. So try some of the earlier ones before grabbing this adventure.

Next time, we’re 100 percent British and 100% Le Carré-free! –Bruce Grossman

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MISS EARLIER INSTALLMENTS OF ‘BULLETS, BROADS, BLACKMAIL & BOMBS’? REGASM THESE:
• #20: September Is for Spies
• #19: I Hate Illinois Nazis
• #18: Watching the Detectives
• #17: Lights! Camera! Action!
• #16: Go West

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THESE AUTHORS:
• ASSIGNMENT BURMA GIRL by Edward S. Aarons
• LOVERS ARE LOSERS by E. Howard Hunt
• THE OMEGA TERROR by Nick Carter
• STRIKE FORCE TERROR by Nick Carter