I can’t believe it took this long to use this as a title. I mean, it’s not like I don’t listen to Warren Zevon. It’s pretty easy to figure out which of this week’s books goes with the elements of that title: just look at the covers. (Sorry all you “Werewolves of London” fans for getting your hopes up.)

PERRY MASON SOLVES THE CASE OF THE PHANTOM FORTUNE by Erle Stanley Gardner – All the Perry Mason books pretty much follow the same tried-and-true formula: The first two-thirds is all buildup, then the last third is Mason working his wonders in the courtroom. This 1964 book is no exception.

The novel starts off with client Horace Warren making a strange request of Perry Mason: to show up to a dinner party so Perry can help him out with his wife Lorna and her shady past. Not to give anything anyway, this plot moves along to a blackmail scheme via a man named Collister Gideon, whose connection to Lorna is something Horace is trying to keep quiet. Perry figures a way to get Gideon off the Warrens’ case, but it quickly blows up in his face. How, you ask? A dead body shows up – that of one Collister Gideon, with Perry’s client standing over him when the cops arrive.

Some things the reader is kept in the dark about, with Perry overstepping his bounds at some points in this one. But it’s still well worth the read.

ARMED … DANGEROUS … by Brett Halliday – Ever see the movie CITY ON FIRE or its American “remake” RESERVOIR DOGS? That’s pretty much the basic idea of this 1966 Mike Shayne story, but at first, you will have no idea, until a clue so big Stevie Wonder can see it is given on page 40. Then it’s proven right on page 43.

But before all that happens, you have no idea where this novel is headed, following a French tourist going back to her apartment. While she takes the elevator up, she witnesses a jeweler get robbed by some toughie who threatens to knock her out if she doesn’t cooperate. So she goes along with the dangerous criminal as his hostage. That’s when the French girl Michele Guerin lets it be known she is a criminal also with a plan.

There is such a dead giveaway when this robber meets the gang, it’s not even funny. Then cue the flashback, where it’s all set up that Mike Shayne was working for the police. Mike hides the fact that he is a well-known P.I. by dying his hair black. Yeah, that’s right up there with making someone evil by adding a beard.

They plan of robbing a garbage truck filled with two tons of heroin. There are plenty of typical Shayne twists and turns in the story, like who was behind the whole plot and how does a cop who offed himself play a part in the whole messy affair. For a Shayne novel, this one flies by at a lightning pace. I’m not joking. Literally, it reads like a Carter Brown novel. Which is a great thing.

THE DESTROYER #77: COIN OF THE REALM by Will Murray – This time, Remo Williams and Chiun have no real job for their boss Harold W. Smith, but they find themselves plenty busy. Actually, we find Remo finishing up a job of bringing a drug lord to justice, with typical Remo results. (Fingernail through the brain usually takes care of any problem.)

This 1989 novel has three storylines all running together. First, that of Remo and Chiun helping the princess of Moo back to her Island, since her people and Chiun have a long-standing agreement. The second is that of a New Age guru who wants the girl back so he can pawn her off as some lost princess of Atlantis-type bullshit. So he hires a group of mercenaries to ship off to Moo and bring her back alive.

The kicker is that Harold Smith is trying to find out who his new neighbors are. They are never around and only have a big-screen TV in the home. This story is ruined for anyone who has read later books in the series, regarding who lives in the home. But Smith’s story is pretty funny, with him coming across every roadblock he himself sets up to hide certain things.

Murray does not pepper the book like the last one I covered with too much of the Doc Savage-type motifs. There are a few here and there, but nothing like the enemy he has written before. I mean, once Remo and Chiun arrive on the island, the high one of Moo is under constant assassination attempts, be it from an octopus cult to local villagers. It’s made clear why everyone is trying to kill him, but that’s not all; every time Remo sleeps with one of these island girls, they leave bite marks. There is some great humor in this book, and not just between Remo and Chiun.

Throughout the book, there is a running thread about Roy Orbison, whom our guru tried to impersonate before finding his calling, only to be shot down by lawyers. It will come as no surprise that at the end, of course, Roy is dead like in real life, and that the book is dedicated to his memory. Cue Dean Stockwell singing “In Dreams” into a construction light.

Next time: Go Patriots! –Bruce Grossman

Buy it at Amazon.

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THESE AUTHORS:
• THE BEST OF THE DESTROYER by Warren Murphy and Richard Sapir
• THE BIGGER THEY COME by Erle Stanley Gardner
• BODIES ARE WHERE YOU FIND THEM by Brett Halliday
• THE CASE OF THE HESITANT HOSTESS by Erle Stanley Gardner
• THE CASEBOOK OF SIDNEY ZOOM by Erle Stanley Gardner
• COUNT BACKWARDS TO ZERO by Brett Halliday
• CROWS CAN’T COUNT by Erle Stanley Gardner
• THE DESTROYER #14: JUDGMENT DAY by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #22: BRAIN DRAIN by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #48: PROFIT MOTIVE by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #49: SKIN DEEP by Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #78: BLUE SMOKE AND MIRRORS by Will Murray
• THE DESTROYER #104: ANGRY WHITE MAILMEN by Will Murray
• THE DESTROYER #145: DRAGON BONES by Tim Somheil
• GUILTY AS HELL by Brett Halliday
• MERMAID ON THE ROCKS by Brett Halliday
• NEVER KILL A CLIENT by Brett Halliday
• THE NEW DESTROYER: GUARDIAN ANGEL by Warren Murphy and James Mullaney
• SOME SLIPS DON’T SHOW by Erle Stanley Gardner
• SOME WOMEN WON’T WAIT by Erle Stanley Gardner
• TARGET: MIKE SHAYNE by Brett Halliday
• TRY ANYTHING ONCE by Erle Stanley Gardner