That title is just one of many bad lines of dialogue from Keanu Reeves. Actually, I enjoyed THE MATRIX – it was those two awful sequels that ruined it all. But back to the column at hand: Since I got a jones for the martial arts after reading everyone’s favorite second-tier superhero in ESSENTIAL IRON FIST, I figured it was time to delve back into the world of non-stop action and really weak plots.

NINJA MASTER #4: MILLION-DOLLAR MASSACRE by Wade Barker – Brett Wallace vs. the mob in Atlantic City: That pretty much sums up this 1982 novel. Oh, plus, you get way-too-graphic depictions of women being killed. Yeah, I can’t think of a better opening than reading about a hooker being raped at gunpoint, then having the gun inserted somewhere and shot. Boy, that goes over really well at breakfast.

A hit squad from the mob is cleaning up the town in some sort of war within itself. So why would our Ninja Master Brett get involved? Go back a few weeks and we find out he was there to find a girl who ran away from home because her parents did not approve of her of having a child out of wedlock. Said girl is the one who gets probed at the start.

Surprisingly, this book is light on the sex angle, at least compared to some of the others in the series. There is plenty of action to make up for it, though, as the body count never stops pilling up in this one. But it just seems that Barker is going through the motions with this one, using such a tired idea. At least the other ones have somewhat interesting villains.

You may be asking, “Why do you keep reading these, Bruce?” Simple answer: I’m a glutton for really awful books. I can’t help it. I knew this one was going to be a stinker, but I wanted to finish it up anyway, since his other ninja series are supposed to be huge improvements. We’ll see.

AMAZON SLAUGHTER by Piers Anthony and Roberto Fuentes – What happens when a bad sci-fi writer takes up judo? Well, he and his instructor figure, “Let’s write a book with a judo expert as the hero.” Thus, Jason Striker, Master of Martial Arts (and Inducer of My Book Throwing) was born.

This 1976 quickie is just a big mess of bad writing and plotting. All I could tell is that in this world, ninjas are more prevalent then spies. It’s set in Brazil, the world’s hotbed of ninjas. (I bet you thought it was Japan.) The plot has something to do with a oil find in the jungle and Striker being sent from unnamed agency to help out.

SLAUGHTER throws up more roadblocks for readers at every turn, with some truly awful torture scenes and equally awful homophobia thrown in. Yeah, I understand the book was written in the ’70s, but it made me want to go reread more NINJA MASTERs. At least with those, they read quick. This required forcing myself through each page. The writing is that clunky, as if someone took the acting talent of David Caruso and put it to paper. Avoid at all costs.

SIX-GUN SAMURAI #3: GUNDOWN AT GOLDEN GATE by Patrick Lee – Yes, I know samurais are not versed in judo or karate, so excuse me for trying to keep a theme. Now, be forewarned: From what I understand, there are only two good books in this series: the first one and this one right here, from 1981.

Don’t mind the awful cover art with a constipated samurai. His name was Tom Fletcher before he lost his family and was left to survive in the Far East, so of course, any orphan will be raised as a samurai like he is one of their own. The series follows Tanaka Tom Fletcher chasing down the man responsible for the slaughter of his family: one Colonel Hollister.

This episode takes Tom to Chinatown in San Francisco, so get ready for some good-ol’-fashioned racism. I don’t think a chapter went by without one of the white characters referring to the Chinese by some derogatory term. I was pleasantly surprised by the story, since not only do you Tom on his quest for revenge, but also him trying to stop a election and falling in the middle of a Tong war amongst the opium dens.

Of course, Tom rattles off his samurai ideals; I might have been more impressed if I hadn’t watched GHOST DOG the night before. Still, it’s a fun time and a nice change of pace for my Westerner needs. The action flies by like a Kurosawa film mixed with some Leone. Again, let me repeat myself: This book and the first one are the only ones to read, because from there, the series runs out of steam quicker then a fat man in a marathon.

Next time: Screw the renaissance fair – we’re going to a job fair! –Bruce Grossman

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OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THESE AUTHORS:
• NINJA MASTER #1: VENGEANCE IS HIS by Wade Barker
• NINJA MASTER #3: BORDERLAND OF HELL by Wade Barker
• TOTAL RECALL by Piers Anthony