Prior to this season, it would have been one of the safest bets in the world to take, that I would never, ever buy a book from Harlequin. I mean, they’re the romance book people! That would be like betting on the Washington Generals to beat the Harlem Globetrotters. But to celebrate its 60th anniversary, Harlequin has gone through its archives and reprinted six “Vintage Collection” titles, three of which I’m covering today.
I’LL BURY MY DEAD by James Hadley Chase — Stumbling out of the gate like a horse with a broken leg, this 1953 book is not the way to start off your diamond anniversary. It’s incredibly dated, hitting reading roadblocks at every turn. I’ve read one previous Chase book, which was fine, although formulaic, but this is definitely one to skip.
Nick English is extremely well-off and saddled with looking into his brother’s apparent suicide. Guess what, folks? His brother was murdered. I know, you’re just as shocked as I am. Adding to this slog of a read, other bodies start pilling up, all because Nick’s brother was a weak-willed asshole who was blackmailing girls.
One girl got arrested from stealing a little money from her landlord. Now that she is a big-time actress, she kept paying off the blackmailer for way too long. Throw in a corrupt cop who will look the other way as long as he gets a taste, and you pretty much have every crime stereotype.
I’m guessing most people who start this novel will probably have put it down before all of this; it’s a shame I had forced myself through it all. I really had such high hopes, figuring we were going to get some reissue competition for Hard Case Crime, right down to the great idea of using the original cover art. But Chase’s writing is so by-the-numbers, it telegraphs more of the plot than Western Union. Maybe if its nearly 300 pages were trimmed down by a third, it would be more enjoyable. Strike one.
PARDON MY BODY by Dale Bogard — This 1952 effort uses the same idea as the Hank Janson books, with a real author using a pseudonym and then using that name as the main character for the story. Also like those books, this is written by a British author — in this case, Douglas Enefer, who tries to use American slang throughout, but seems to have never set foot in New York City, where the bulk of the story takes place. Already, the book has some serious issues, to the point that it becomes laughable.
Bogard is a reporter who is always on the make for a news story. He runs right into one in the case of a woman left in the middle of a Connecticut highway. Her name is Julia, and people around her seem to wind up dead, usually with a gold-plated dagger stuck in their chests. A mishmash of confusing plot points pile up right until the end.
I really wish the novel would have been better, but it’s so muddled and head-scratching, I had to slog through. The main problem is that the story is filled with crime stereotypes. Again, we have crooked cops, mobsters and a set of femme fatales. I mean, it seemed like everyone was the suspected killer at one point. Did Harlequin just pull these choices out of a hat? Strike two.
YOU NEVER KNOW WITH WOMEN by James Hadley Chase — The good news for this 1949 Chase novel is that it’s better than the first one covered. The bad news is that it’s still tough to get through.
Floyd Jackson has no one to blame for himself for the trouble he gets into. He’s hired for a job that involves him breaking into a home to return an item: a priceless dagger, of which only two exist. A stripper named Veda Rux stole it originally. Why she did this was totally just by accident, or so we are to believe. Now, Veda’s manager wants Floyd to put the dagger back into the safe and to get back her compact, which she left there.
Why Floyd is hired is a bit puzzling, but becomes apparent once he is in the middle of this operation, because the dagger is actually a bomb. He discovers this literally at the last moment before becoming a Jackson Pollock painting.
This should really get readers psyched for a great read. The problem is all of this happens early on. Then we end up with a blackmail plot to get the real dagger, and Floyd on the lam with Veda. The book seems to drag on for pages at a time, repeating events over and over. Save yourself the time and money. Strike three.
Next time: A Festivus for the rest of us. —Bruce Grossman
OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF JAMES HADLEY CHASE:
• COME EASY — GO EASY by James Hadley Chase
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- BULLETS, BROADS, BLACKMAIL & BOMBS >> Toys in the Attic
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Great covers, though!
These are great covers… and, I suspect the fact that women feature prominently influenced the selection. Otherwise, I’m at a loss to explain why Harlequin chose these particular titles when there are richer veins in their past. I was hoping that the publisher would tap into these with future vintage selections, but understand that the “Vintage Collection” is to begin and end with these six books. Seems such a shame.
Those covers are AWESOME. And PARDON MY BODY has to be one of the greatest titles ever.