Everyone board the bus, because we’re going on a field trip! So make sure you are buddied off and I’ll take attendance. And to those kids sitting in the back: I’ve got my eye on you troublemakers.

THE LIBYAN CONTRACT by Don Smith – It’s the return of CIA agent Phil Sherman. This time out, he is less of a spy and more like a detective with a unlimited travel voucher. Part of the SECRET MISSION series, this 1974 book is so of its time, it’s not even comical.

A big-name assassin has been sprung from a prison in a foreign land via a connection to a Dallas bank who transferred money over to a numbered account in – where else? – Switzerland. But why and who are the questions posed at Phil. Once he finds out who the depositor is, no sooner does that man show up dead, as does his girlfriend who helped skim a few bucks off the top.

Meanwhile, a very rich oil tycoon has a few problems with a Libyan leader he wants taken care of, and has hired a man by the name of Haber. The target? Col. Gaddafi, of course. Sherman goes over to England and France to stop Haber, but for a spy, he’s a pretty crappy one, being knocked out three different times.

The novel is all over the place, with a plot pretty much stolen from DAY OF THE JACKAL to making Sherman a low-rent Mike Hammer type with a CIA badge. And the resolution is just boring. Best look elsewhere for a spy fix, because this CONTRACT will make you wish the action on the cover actually would happen.

CASTLE ON THE LOCH by Caroline Farr – Terror stalks the highlands in this 1979 book. Too bad it’s just a really poorly written mystery. Expecting a cool ghost story or something to that extent, I came away disappointed.

Our heroine, Jody Fastier, is an American actress doubling for the star of a lush Highland drama, because the woman does not like riding horses. Jody is working in an area of Scotland whose residents still hold 200-year-old grudges – not a place to get lost, as she soon finds out, thanks to crazy old man Hamish MacDonald, who pulls a shotgun on her. Thankfully, Hamish’s nephew Duncan pops up to save the day.

From here, the book takes its sweet-ass time for anything else to happen. Then, all of sudden, the lead actor of the picture is thrown out a window to his death. A day later, the lead actress turns up strangled in Jody’s closet, of all places. Naturally, all suspicion points toward Jody, with Duncan being her only alibi. Then there’s a hooded man with a chain on a horse chasing her down.

I need to point out most of this action takes place within the last 30 pages. Once the mystery is revealed, you’ll feel cheated, since it’s only at the very end that any kind of clue is given. The only reason for my purchase was for the cover, which looks kind of enticing. Sadly, it’s just a watered-down Gothic that would have been best left in a loch.

A DANCE AT THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE by Lawrence Block – Don’t worry, PETA members, it’s not that kind of slaughterhouse. Here at BOOKGASM, we’ve got nothing but love for Block, so I figured it was time to tackle some of his stuff in the column.

This 1992 New York-based novel is one from his Matthew Scudder series. Scudder is an ex-cop and recovering alcoholic who freelances as a sort of private eye without all the paperwork. One day, he’s called upon by a man named Lyman Warriner. It seems Lyman’s sister was killed a few months ago, with her husband being a suspect but never brought to trial. Lyman wants Scudder to find out if the husband, Richard Thurman, really did it.

But this is only half the story, as Scudder is summoned by a friend in possession of a videotape with a horrific home movie in the middle of it: an S&M snuff film. Once the plot moves further along, Scudder sees a connection between the tape and Richard, all while making it to his AA meetings.

Block’s got a page-turner here, and I think we all know he’s no slouch. As horrific as some of its moments are, this DANCE deserves to be rediscovered again. Some plot points would be deemed out-of-date due to technology and the changing landscape of the Big Apple, but if you want to relive some of those days of old Times Square, you’re in for a treat … and an extremely creepy one, mind you.

Next time: Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole. –Bruce Grossman

Buy it at Amazon.

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THIS AUTHOR:
• THE BURGLAR IN THE LIBRARY by Lawrence Block
• THE BURGLAR WHO THOUGHT HE WAS BOGART by Lawrence Block
• THE GIRL WITH THE LONG GREEN HEART by Lawrence Block
• HIT PARADE by Lawrence Block
• LUCKY AT CARDS by Lawrence Block
• SECRET MISSION #20: THE BAVARIAN CONNECTION by Don Smith