BULLETS, BROADS, BLACKMAIL & BOMBS >> Eat, Drink and Die

Food, glorious food is our theme this time out. But I’m severely bending the rules on this one, since our second book barely fits; I would really need to add an S to the second word of the title. However, there are plenty of scenes of people eating by a campfire, so it’s covered. Meanwhile, the first book is more of a dessert, and the final book deals with a stale old muffin. Still, all three are worth searching out, that’s for sure — especially since the middle one is considered a true American classic.

THE SHARK-INFESTED CUSTARD by Charles Willeford — This 1993 novel is unlike anything else I’ve read by Willeford, since it’s not a straightforward story, but more like four vignettes whose main characters appear in each others’ stories. At the start of the book, all four friends live at the same apartment complex. The opening story is all told from the perspective of Larry “Fuzz-o” Dolman. He and pals Eddie Miller, Don Luchessi and Hank Norton are all shooting the breeze by the pool, discussing the hardest place to pick up women in Florida.

This is the type of conversation you’d expect in a Quentin Tarantino film, since it’s so honest and so normal in the sense this is how guys really act. There is no false bravado or any other bullshit; it just feels as though you are one of the gang. When it’s decided that picking up a woman at the drive-in is the place where it would be the hardest, they make a bet to see if one of them can pull it off. What happens totally throws this group of friends for a loop that will keep them bonded together for the rest of their lives, with Larry being extra careful by keeping a detailed log of all events if the shit ever hit the fan.

The second vignette mainly focuses on Hank, while the others make appearances. Hank is a drug representative for a large company and has reached his peak in the area, so the firm is trying to get him to take over a new territory. Larry explains to Hank how he has joined a computer dating service to bilk the company he works for extra expense money. But his dates have been less then stellar, with Hank taking a shine to Larry’s second date, a woman named Jannaire. But something Hank does not know is that Jannaire seems to be married to a psychopath who takes a few attempts on Hank’s life. To go further ruins the story, but like other Willeford plots, people are forced to extremes.

The third story deals with Eddie, an airline pilot always ready to help out his pals, and Don, a salesman for a silverware company who has fallen back into his loveless marriage. Don tries to escape this nightmare, but not without his daughter. Eddie tries to help him plan it all out instead of just going off half-cocked, which is exactly what Don does. You watch as Don slowly deteriorates and so believes that what he is about to do is the greatest idea since sliced bread, never taking into account what his little girl wants.

The book closes out with all four men living in Chicago, about to celebrate a birthday, which brings the whole book full circle. Going any further truly ruins the outcomes of the previous events. Willeford takes these four men and sets them on their own paths. Each vignette plays off another, but none of them really connect, except in the smallest threads. This is, without a doubt for me, Willeford’s masterpiece, and yes, I’ve read THE BURNT ORANGE HERESY and many others of his.

TRUE GRIT by Charles Portis — This 1968 story is told so simply, but don’t let that fool you. Portis created one of those books that will live on forever. Not only is it considered one of the modern classics, but one of its biggest fans is noted crime author George Pelecanos.

The story is told from the perspective of Mattie Ross, so unlike the film, the book is mainly focused on her. We only know at the start that she is retelling a tale from when she was 14 and bent on biblical revenge on the man who killed her father. For the time, she is a forerunner to the whole feminist movement, in that she is so independent in her ways and won’t be turned away just because she is a girl.

Mattie is pretty much told that her father’s killer is not a top priority for the local law enforcement. She is so enraged that she looks for a man who will help her in this crusade. That is how she comes in contact with a man named Rooster Cogburn. Anyone who knows the movie will automatically picture John Wayne with the eyepatch. But Cogburn is more ragged and rough-looking here, and also a bit of a quick draw. We are introduced to him as Mattie watches a trial proceeding, in which Cogburn is a witness. She puts forth an opportunity for him, with a promise of money to help her track down her father’s killers.

But Mattie is not the only person who wants to bring the killer to justice. Enter Texas Ranger Le Boeuf. Mattie gets to the point of trying to incorporate her religious beliefs into this manhunt, even when they have no bearing. Once it comes to the final showdown and she faces her deepest fears, we see the growth of this character to the woman she has become.

As we find out, Mattie is a much older woman relating the story of her youth, looking back at this one key moment in her life. Again, for a tale that is told so plainly, Portis plays into the readers, since we are only given the perspective from this one character. Still, it’s that simple type of storytelling that captures the reader from the start, so it’s no wonder that an author like Pelecanos champions this book so much: It’s much deeper than you would expect.

HERE COMES CHARLIE M by Brian Freemantle — Who doesn’t like a good muffin? Well, if that muffin is Charlie Muffin, then a few governments. Taking place two years after the events of the first book, this 1978 novel finds that there is no love lost for Charlie or his antics, which blew up in a few people’s faces: of course, the heads of British secret service.

Charlie, who has been living in hiding for all this time, pops his head up to pay some respects to a fallen comrade: a fellow agent who has been dead for years. Charlie visits his grave every year, except for these past two, but he figures no one would be watching it anymore and that it would be safe. But a few critical errors are made. First, Charlie is spotted coming into England and then going to a bank where he has left some money in a safe deposit box that has been broken into.

The story then follows two factions of people: the British agents after Charlie with a plan to frame that lay-about spy, and a group of Russians watching from the sidelines who don’t understand why he is risking himself. See, it was the British secret service with the help of a just-released prisoner who broke into Charlie’s safe deposit box, since the Brits were under the assumption that he probably had stored some documents that would ruin most of the agents and higher-ups.

But when it turns out to only be a storing place for a large sum of money and insurance polices, the British go even further. Their idea is to set up a few robberies with Charlie as the culprit, laying enough clues pointing at him —  namely, the theft of some Russian Fabergé eggs that are on display. But Charlie won’t fall for these traps to poke his head out, claiming his innocence. The British don’t learn and make a tragic error where Charlie not only takes out his revenge, but does it in such a way that people will finally believe he is dead.

This is a series that should be read in order. Sure, newbies will be able to follow the action, but they will be missing out on exactly the things Charlie did that are making all these people nuts in the first place. Freemantle makes his schlub spy even more sympathetic, thanks to the final few chapters. It’s totally understandable the action Charlie goes to at the end. No one is going will argue that even though it’s a bit extreme, you might do the same thing if you were in his shoes.

Next time: Action, adventure and it’s all true! —Bruce Grossman

Buy it at Amazon.

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF BRIAN FREEMANTLE:
• CHARLIE M by Brian Freemantle

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF CHARLES WILLEFORD:
• THE BLACK MASS OF BROTHER SPRINGER by Charles Willeford
• MADE IN MIAMI by Charles Willeford
• PICK-UP by Charles Willeford