You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in, and then get it blown off by some gun-toting psycho. This week, our theme has a bit of a musical bent, including one book written by a true master of the noir world.

WALTZ INTO DARKNESS by Cornell Woolrich – So let’s see: PHANTOM LADY, REAR WINDOW and THE BRIDE WORE BLACK are all great Woolrich books I’ve read, along with a great collection of his short stories. He’s a no-brainer to get some attention in this column finally, so when I came across this 1947 novel, I grabbed it immediately.

His name is Louis Durand, and to say that he is a sap and a chump is an understatement. He’s a wealthy coffeehouse owner in New Orleans who has been corresponding with a woman that will be his wife. Expecting some frump of a middle-aged woman, Louis is thrown for a loop when a much younger lady turns up. Think expecting Kathy Bates and getting Charlize Theron.

As much as Louis figures that he has met his soulmate, it becomes apparent – at least to the reader – that Julia is a darker and much colder person then she purported to be. In my opinion, Louis is too dumb for words, since he gives up all his accounts to her, no questions asked. Guess what happens – it will not come as a major shock: Julia runs off with all of his money.

But Louis is still just enough the type of man who can see the forest from the trees. He follows blindly – dragging, really – to about as low as a human can go, changing completely from the nice, warm man we meet at the start. To go any further ruins a surprise, even though it’s given away within the first pages.

Woolrich never lets up with the give and take of this one. The story feels like a melodrama at some points, but he’s such a master that when the devastating ending hits, you feel drained, as if you went on one of the longest roller coaster rides of your life.

THE TANGO BRIEFING by Adam Hall – The 1973 fourth entry in the Quiller series is a nonstop thriller. Literally from the start – when Quiller is called upon to a secret meeting – to the very last page, the story never lets up. There are no long passages of interoffice fighting. No page upon page of useless exposition.

You follow Quiller as he is sent to Algeria, where he has to search for a downed plane that left London with false information about its contents, which the British want investigated right away. The action never lets up, with attempts on Quiller’s life at every turn, such as when his car becomes a metal piece of Swiss cheese.

There’s a mercenary for hire in a glider who hides in the desert while squads of helicopters are do a grid search for him. What’s so precious in this plane is the question that drives his mission, and Quiller knows full well he might not come back alive. Even when he makes it to the plane and has to take part in the second half of the mission, that is what comes first and his safety, a distant second.

Your best bet is to at least read the first book in the series, since that is where all the character development of Quiller is. Don’t expect a regurgitation of any previous missions, either, for which I’m thankful. Hall knows how to plot a thriller well, not bogging it down like other British spy masters of his time. Think the BOURNE films, but without the whole revenge factor – just a very fast and smart thrill ride of a read. This is not some mindless action series cranked out to amuse the masses. It’s more like for fans of spy fiction who think certain authors are long-winded and short on the goods. This will totally give them the spy jolt they were searching for.

THE DESTROYER #13: ACID ROCK by Richard Sapir & Warren Murphy – There is nothing quite like a nearly old-school Destroyer book, be it the biting satire or the brutal action the series was built upon. The term “acid rock” is a catchall for any rock music in this 1973 book, none of which from real bands, even though it seems that the major musical person in it is based on a certain makeup-wearing snake handler.

Remo and Chiun are called upon to find and then protect a girl named Vickie Stoner, a groupie who is about to drop a dime on her daddy, since her father has a long-reaching criminal investigation for which Vickie is all set to testify. But of course, there is a problem: an open contract on her head worth a million dollars, which brings out every amateur and pro that Murphy and Sapir can come up with.

The authors have some fun with it, with attempts made by a group of surf bums, some black militants, a few hippies and, of course, the mafia. All the while, Vickie wants to meet up with her musician of the moment, Alice Cooper – oops, I mean Maggot and The Dead Meat Lice. One of the funny little things we find out is that the band started out as a joke for a college variety show, with Maggot being a total act since the man behind the makeup makes Howard Hughes and his germ phobia seem normal. It should be stated that the band throws raw meat into crowds. Top that, KISS!

Throughout, Vickie talks repeatedly of “wanting to ball Maggot.” The story follows the trio of fun, with Chiun more concerned with his TV watching than anything else. Vickie learns this lesson the hard way. There is a big bad guy who makes it his priority to close the contract himself, especially after finding out that his brother failed in his attempt, which really fires him up since their family has been raised never to fail as assassins. It’s a Destroyer book, so you know exactly what you’re getting.

I mean, if you haven’t picked one of the books up by now, it’s your loss, not mine. They are pure entertainment. Sure, it might be a little right-leaning and sometimes a bit dated. But give me a Destroyer book any day and I know that for the two hours it takes to read, I’ll be in reading heaven.

Next time: Mifune, Marvin, McQueen, Eastwood and Bronson are a bunch of pussies. –Bruce Grossman

Buy it at Amazon.

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THE DESTROYER:
• THE BEST OF THE DESTROYER by Warren Murphy and Richard Sapir
• THE DESTROYER #14: JUDGMENT DAY by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #22: BRAIN DRAIN by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #46: NEXT OF KIN by Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #48: PROFIT MOTIVE by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #49: SKIN DEEP by Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #77: COIN OF THE REALM by Will Murray
• THE DESTROYER #78: BLUE SMOKE AND MIRRORS by Will Murray
• THE DESTROYER #89: DARK HORSE by Will Murray
• THE DESTROYER #104: ANGRY WHITE MAILMEN by Will Murray
• THE DESTROYER #145: DRAGON BONES by Tim Somheil
• THE NEW DESTROYER: CHOKE HOLD by Warren Murphy and James Mullaney
• THE NEW DESTROYER: GUARDIAN ANGEL by Warren Murphy and James Mullaney

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF ADAM HALL:
• THE QUILLER MEMORANDUM by Adam Hall

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF CORNELL WOOLRICH:
• FRIGHT by Cornell Woolrich