You know that saying, “a picture is worth a thousand words”? Well, when you see the first two covers for this column, you’ll see I’m talking rock-bottom in the book-buying world. And I could not be happier!

RIG WARRIOR by William W. Johnstone – For those out there who think CONVOY and WHITE LINE FEVER are high moments in cinema and that Jerry Clower CDs never get old, have I got a trilogy – yes, trilogy! – for you: RIG WARRIOR! In the 1987 opener, ex-Green Beret/current gun supplier to the U.S. government Barry Rivers is going back home to New Orleans to look in on his father, who’s being pushed out of the trucking business. Barry figures the local mob is behind it all, so before he gets going, he works out a deal with the Justice Department to become a auxiliary member with carte blanche. Yeah, sign, your name on this piece of a paper and – poof! – you’re a government agent with no regard for the law.

Are you still with me? Because trust me: It just gets better. Barry discovers the mob has nothing to do with it – that it’s some renegade government agents who are working for someone high up and close to Barry. I wish I was making this shit up and it’s just so over-the-top, you can’t put it down, from the rounding up of truckers with names like Panty Snatcher, Slim and Cornbread, to the awful discoveries they make at these secretive bases where all kinds of experiments are going on with government money. Of course, once the truckers find out, the guns come out and there is a whole lot of shooting going on.

Think of the book as if Mack Bolan was a trucker, in the writing style of a 13-year-old boy. There are so many plot holes, it’s just too damn funny. Don’t even think of applying logic, because it’s a total mindless ride – the only thing missing is a soundtrack by Black Oak Arkansas, because even Lynyrd Skynyrd is too highbrow. But as cool as that cover looks, there is no killer-looking truck in this book at all.

Then, once the story is all tied up with Barry breaking up the ring, he goes to work directly for the President (Destroyer rip-off) known only by his CB handle of “Dog.” And here I was expecting something along the lines of THE CORRECTIONS.

SOLDIER OF FORTUNE: BODY COUNT by Peter McCurtin – Sometimes you grab a book just because you know it’s going to be out of control. Take the cover of this 1977 effort, the eighth in a series called SOLDIER OF FORTUNE, having nothing to do with the magazine. Now there lies a bit of a problem, because you literally are dropped into the action with no character introduction whatsoever.

But fear not, since this novel is pretty much mindless gun porn with a whole lot of people dying. The paper-thin plot is that our hero Jim Rainey is recruited to find a fellow gunrunner named Kuyker. Simple enough, right? Nope, this all takes place on New Guinea where cannibals are still active. We’re told this by graphic depictions of village that Rainey comes upon every now and then, with many a pole with someone’s head still on it.

The reason Rainey needs to get the guns back is that Kuyker is selling them to the natives, and this book takes place in the world where technology and natives don’t mix. So it’s pretty much going through the jungles, looking for Kuyker, always a step behind, then coming across the tribes where guns – or “fire sticks,” as they call them – have been bought. Some of the tribes don’t want to give up the guns, killing some of Rainey’s men.

We get a huge battle where no one is safe and a huge body count on top of it all. This book is ham-fisted in the way it’s written, as just an excuse to discuss all types of weapons and stereotypes. Yeah, nothing but class in this one, folks. It’s not worth the buck I spent on it, except maybe just for the cover.

THE SPECIALIST #6: THE BIG ONE by John Cutter – Out of the three books this week, this 1984 adventure offers the most mindless fun. I was ready to goof on the fact that the real author disavows these novels, but I’ll hand it to John Shirley: As ridiculous as this book gets – and it does real quick – it’s so packed with action and fun, you won’t care.

John Sullivan – the one-man army that is The Specialist – is taking in a party where he’s on a mission of payback. Probably from the previous book, most likely, since that plot is quickly summed up here and there: something dealing with a sex club where young kids are used. But forget that, since once Sullivan has killed the man he needed to along with some mob thugs, he drives off with not a care in the world.

That is, until the cops block him and take him to jail, where of course, an attempt is made upon Sullivan’s life. Guess who wins that little battle? No need to worry, because the FBI bails him out. It seems they have someone who will finance a job for Sullivan, but the U.S. government can’t be tied to it. Footing the bill is wealthy businessman Holmes, whose daughter has been taken in by some neo-Nazi named Reichstone, who is running a small island with the police chief’s help.

But let’s add more things to Reichstone’s little resume of evil: drug running, hired killers and sex slaves. Sullivan takes the job and from here on out, the book makes almost no sense and is so over-the-top in its action. Waiting for our hero when he arrives is the return of a Skullface, an enemy whose face was half blown off by Sullivan.

Other things that make this book so out of control: Sullivan vs. a shark, a group of Mossad soldiers, some CIA operatives left for dead in a jail for more than a year, and of course, one of Sullivan’s old pals working for the bad guys. As wacky as it got, I just kept going, because I figured there was no way he could tie it all together in some coherent ending. So while I apologize to Shirley for doubting him on this one, this book is about as literary as a pamphlet.

Next time: Horses, Hitchcock and Lovecraft. –Bruce Grossman

Buy it at Amazon.

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THESE AUTHORS:
• IN DARKNESS WAITING by John Shirley
• THE OTHER END by John Shirley
• THE SPECIALIST #1: A TALENT FOR REVENGE by John Shirley
• TRAVELER #1: FIRST, YOU FIGHT by John Shirley
• TRAVELER #2: KINGDOM COME by D.B. Drumm