Unrelated: There is nothing like the cover image for that Pink Floyd record. Related: Here are three spy tales, all with a sort of animal motif – mainly just in name, as you will see.

THE BANG BANG BIRDS by Adam Diment – From 1968, the third and final entry of the Philip McAlpine series has aged about as well as a glass of milk. It got dated probably by 1973 – it’s that bad. The birds in question are the naked female guards who work in a brothel, where our hero is sent undercover to destroy the evil behind-the-scenes machinations, since the place is actually blackmailing clients with photos and tapes.

That’s just like another book I covered many columns ago: Len Deighton’s AN EXPENSIVE PLACE TO DIE. While that book was more grounded in its spy world, this feels as though it’s geared toward the drug-addled, as McAlpine’s big plan is to dose all the partygoers with LSD and then knock them out with amyl nitrate. Now that’s a party that screams drug culture!

But that’s nothing compared to the slow – and I mean incredibly tedious – way the plot gets there. Throw in some good old-fashioned male chauvinism that’s about as callous as anyone can get (perfect example: McAlpine’s longtime girlfriend announces she is pregnant; his answer is pretty much “tough shit,” unless she goes along with him as cover to Sweden, where it “get taken care of”). And let’s not forget about racism – not the typical kind you might find from the era, but the 1930s type that would make readers of Fu Manchu blush.

McAlpine comes off as a smug, pompous ass who thinks he is too good for the job. He’s just not likable in the least. Sure, James Bond is a thug in his novels, but you root for the man. McAlpine is the kind of guy you’re hoping someone just pushes in front of a truck. This series is so stuck in the ’60s, but not even in a good way. It reads badly and you lose interest at various times throughout. The only thing about it of any interest is the cover.

THE GOLDEN BULL by Nick Carter – America’s superspy is back on the case in this 1981 installment, ghostwritten by John Stevenson. Nick Carter books can be placed into two categories: one, with a story based in reality and could actually happen within reason; two, the variety of “you’re kidding me,” where Nick goes up against some diabolical plot that comes out of a comic book or a 12-year-old’s mind.

A perfect example is the book called MOSCOW, which deals with making a hybrid of a man with gills so they can breathe underwater. That’s one of the tamer ones; some of the others are real lulus. THE GOLDEN BULL fits perfectly in the first group. It’s extremely straightforward, with no bullshit to weight it down.

Nick is sent off to Peru to investigate some weird activities for the Treasury Department, because gold is being smuggled into the U.S., which could cause economic disaster if not stopped. Take a wild guess how the gold is making it across (and no peeking at the title!).

That’s only the half of the plot. The other deals with the kidnapping of Nick’s boss David Hawk, who was en route to set up security for a peace talk between Peru and Mexico. Both of these problems are connected, with Carter and Hawk being part of a plan to be blamed for the assassination attempts that will be made.

Again, this Killmaster book flies through its plot like a hot knife through butter, never delving into the over-the-top-ness of others in the series. It’s just a straight-up action tale with a solid plot. Also unlike the others, this one is very light on Carter’s sexual conquests – surprising for a book this late in the game, since by this point, Nick would bed at least three women before it was all over. Guess it just depends on the ghostwriter, which in this case, was someone with some talent.

THE DESTROYER #89: DARK HORSE by Will Murray – A horse is a horse, of course of course, unless he is running for election in California. What happens when both the governor and lieutenant governor of the Golden State die in a plane crash? According to this 1992 novel, you have a special election, which brings out three candidates, two of whom resemble past political figures.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here. Remo Williams is lying in wait to kill an imprisoned Central American dictator while he gets baptized. But that turns into a nightmare when a band of men attack the proceedings, causing the dictator to die all right, but inside the stomach of an alligator.

With the wackiness of the California proceedings, Remo and Chuin are called into action when someone tries to assassinate dark horse candidate Enrique Esperanza. He’s a no-name who came out of the blue, promising hope for all of the state, handing out Oreos at all his functions.

The two other alliterative candidates are Barry Black, a total Jerry Brown piss-take, and Rona Ripper, who wants to outlaw smoking by any means necessary. The campaign goes from bizarre to truly out of control when other attempts are made on all three. But I’m only scratching the surface, since Chiun’s heart gets broken when he finally meets his longtime love Cheeta Ching – a take on Connie Chung that more resembles some of the horror stories of Katie Couric.

The story flies by like the others Murray has written, but for those who have only hopped on with the new series will still enjoy it, especially for its different take on the CHOKE HOLD, even if it’s just a minor part of the story. Still, it’s Remo in fine form, which is always a good thing. With enough of that humor that makes the series so much fun.

Next time: Give me that ol’ time religion! –Bruce Grossman

Buy it at Amazon.

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF NICK CARTER:
• DEADLY DOUBLES by Nick Carter
• HIDE AND GO DIE by Nick Carter
• ICE TRAP TERROR by Nick Carter
• MACAO by Nick Carter
• THE OMEGA TERROR by Nick Carter
• STRIKE FORCE TERROR by Nick Carter

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THE DESTROYER:
• THE BEST OF THE DESTROYER by Warren Murphy and Richard Sapir
• THE DESTROYER #14: JUDGMENT DAY by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #22: BRAIN DRAIN by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #46: NEXT OF KIN by Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #48: PROFIT MOTIVE by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #49: SKIN DEEP by Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #77: COIN OF THE REALM by Will Murray
• THE DESTROYER #78: BLUE SMOKE AND MIRRORS by Will Murray
• THE DESTROYER #104: ANGRY WHITE MAILMEN by Will Murray
• THE DESTROYER #145: DRAGON BONES by Tim Somheil
• THE NEW DESTROYER: CHOKE HOLD by Warren Murphy and James Mullaney
• THE NEW DESTROYER: GUARDIAN ANGEL by Warren Murphy and James Mullaney