When our nation’s security is threatened by a high-tech New York meth lab funding overseas arms dealings, the National Security Agency calls upon World Wrestling Entertainment Chairman Vince McMahon to form a black-ops spy squad from his stable of pro wrestlers. Yes, you read correctly: To form a black-ops spy squad from his stable of pro wrestlers. Once more, just to let it sink in: To form a black-ops spy squad from his stable of pro wrestlers.

So goes Rudy Joseph’s BIG APPLE TAKEDOWN, a WWE-branded novel starring non-fictional characters. Triple H goes undercover as a security expert, Batista and Chavo Guerrero are computer hackers and Jon Cena plays backup. (Hey, these names meant nothing to me, either.) As the token female, Torrie is ordered to get close to a slimy rich guy, which she does primarily using her cleavage. (This is why she is featured on the cover, whereas her teammates are relegated to postage-stamp-sized mug shots on the back cover.) Can they save the world and get to Madison Square Garden on time?

Boy, do the wrasslers encounter problems. They’re shot at, held captive and, perhaps worst of all, at risk of harming their own Nielsen ratings: “Chavo has run a couple missions targeting Internet hackers,” says Vince. “Unfortunately, most of his work has resulted in the arrests of teenage boys, which, as you know, cuts into our target demo for RAW and SMACKDOWN!”

Josephs knows who butters his bread, pumping up his boss as a he-man M every chance he gets (”Nobody kept Vincent Kennedy McMahon out of the loop.”) as well as throwing in bits of cross-promotion. “(Cena’s) workload had been intentionally light for this mission, as he had some promotional appearances to make around the city related to his movie work,” writes Joseph, falling just short of adding, “As in THE MARINE! Now in theaters! With a novelization written by me! ME!”

Now brace yourself: I enjoyed the hell out of this book. Like WWE’s matches – both live and televised – this is plotted simply but distinctly. Josephs makes it move, even if his word pool isn’t exactly vast (note five uses each of “strawberry” and “chocolate” within a single paragraph) and even if he offers no surprises — except being so upfront that pro wrestling is all theatrics and a late-in-the-game cameo that certainly will have the intended market throwing their fists up in a whoop, provided they can read that far. (What intended market? The kind to which lines like this make sense: “The idea struck him like a double-arm DDT from Mick Foley.”)

Naturally, the epilogue sets up the potential for TAKEDOWN to become a series. If that so happens, I’ll gladly sign up. I may have to revoke my membership to Golden Key International Honor Society to do so, but honestly, what have they done for me lately besides asking for money and sending me junk mail? –Rod Lott

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