I could not pass up using one of my favorite Bowie songs (as well as a great new cop show from England) as the title for this column. This time out, we go to Mars – or Barsoom, as it’s referred to in these books by Edgar Rice Burroughs. So sit back and enjoy all the pulpy goodness, because they sure don’t write them like this anymore, no matter how hard some people try. Also, if you’ve never read the first book in his Mars series, A PRINCESS OF MARS, do so; there are tons of different versions floating around from various publishers since it’s in the public domain.

THE GODS OF MARS by Edgar Rice Burroughs – This 1913 sequel to PRINCESS OF MARS picks up 10 years after John Carter saved the red planet by sacrificing himself, which sent him back to Earth. Ever since, Carter has longed for the day he can be reunited with his love, Dejah, the titular princess. Then, just like in the first book, poof, Carter turns up on Mars, but not in a locale with which he’s familiar.

All of a sudden, he is attacked by strange creatures. Feeling outnumbered, Carter does his best until his good pal Tars shows up, and they kill anything in sight that means them harm, be it plant-type creatures or the giant white-ape-type monsters. Tars promises to get Carter back to Dejah and the land of the red Martians.

But what stands in their way are the black Martians, who are air pirates. (For those who had a Dreamcast, think SKIES OF ARCADIA.) They are captured by said pirates, who bring them to their land, which is controlled by an evil god-like woman named Issus. She has men fight in a large arena, then uses the winners as a sacrifice for her own pleasures.

With a prison escape that will make most action fans rejoice, Carter fights his way back to his lady, but once he arrives, he’s accused of being a traitor, and worse, Dejah herself has been captured by the pirates, setting Carter on a mission to save her.

The book ends in a total cliffhanger, tying up a good amount of the loose ends except for one biggie. Burroughs knows how to draw in the reader like no other writer. Sure, it looks like someone gave him a bag of M&Ms to describe the Martians – red, green and black – but you don’t care. You are so sucked into this world of airships and swashbuckling, you just want more…

THE WARLORD OF MARS by Edgar Rice Burroughs – …which you get with the immediate 1914 follow-up. Carter is patiently waiting to see if his true love has survived, but he gets impatient and goes searching for her, setting off a chase sequence that Burroughs does well and often.

So we have not only the red, black and green Martians all on Carter’s trail, but also yellow Martians. (Yeah, it might get a little confusing with these color-coded names, but it’s not that hard to follow.) Every time Carter gets close to Dejah, she’s taken away from him. That is, until the final battle, where Carter unites all the people toward a victory where, of course, he gets the girl. Another character supposedly kills herself, but since the next book is about her, I don’t think it really happened, do you?

Once all is said and done, with Carter freeing all the people and settling all the conflicts, he is made king of the planet, closing out the original trilogy of the Mars books. (The remaining ones focus on other characters we’ve been introduced to.) You get the feeling while reading this that Burroughs easily could have made one long book of these stories, but probably needed time to figure out how he was going to tie it all up. But this is me, second-guessing a book that’s more than 90 years old.

THUVIA, MAID OF MARS by Edgar Rice Burroughs – Taking center stage in this 1916 novel is John Carter’s son, Carthoris, whom we met in GODS. He has eyes for Thuvia, who, mind you, looked like she killed herself in the last book. Well, it’s a pulp, so these things can happen, I guess. Take a wild guess what happens to her; yes, folks, it’s another case of the girl being kidnapped. Carthoris is accused of being the culprit, but we all know he’s not behind it.

“How much mileage can be gotten out of this premise?” one has to ask while reading. Deal with it. On his travels, Carthoris gets Thuvia back, leading him through all kinds of adventures, be it ending up in a seemingly deserted city whose inhabitants use their mind to project a phantom army, or the typical political infights we have come to know as so very common on this planet, even after they’ve been freed.

As you can tell, I’m just a little burned out on the whole chase-the-maiden motif by now. This will teach me not to cover all Burroughs in future columns, no matter how much fun they are. You just need to take a break at some point. Of course, Cathoris and Thuvia end up together. What, did you expect Thuvia to say that she is really his mother, like some sci-fi franchise since ruined by its creator?

THE CHESSMEN OF MARS by Edgar Rice Burroughs – In this 1922 effort, John Carter has come back to Earth to tell a story of his daughter – Tara of Helium – a girl who, to be honest, is a bit of a spoiled brat who gets what she deserves.

Now instead of following the hero chasing his true love all over, we get the flipside, with Tara running from her suitors. Things go well for her until her ship crash-lands. Then she meets creatures which would have given me nightmares as a child: giant, crab-like monsters with human heads. (And I thought the ants in THEM! were frightening!)

The real hook to this book is a chess-type game called Jetan, which I guarantee some sci-fi geeks probably play. Now, titling the book after the chessmen must be a huge plot point, and boy howdy, is it ever. After more escapades in desolated cities and escaping weirder creatures, Tara stays alive by singing, as the bad guys like her voice.

The problem with CHESSMEN is the man whose comes to save her changes his identity in the story halfway through, which might cause a bit of confusion for the reader. Once we hit the climax of this tale, Burroughs throws more bizarre names into the mix to baffle your mind, but then we reach the climactic moment: a real-life version of Jetan, with human players instead of pieces and with taken players being killed.

Of course, the book ends in a happily-ever-after moment, since this is an action pulp. But as much as I enjoyed my time on Mars, I really need to get back to Earth with my reading. These books are all great fun; just take them in small doses.

Next time: Back to reality, aka I miss the Cold War. –Bruce Grossman

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OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THIS AUTHOR:
• A PRINCESS OF MARS by Edgar Rice Burroughs
• TARZAN AND THE JEWELS OF OPAR by Edgar Rice Burroughs