Time for me to get a little publisher-specific with this column. Gold Eagle still cranks out the he-man aggressor stuff on a never-ending monthly basis, so let’s delve into some of its back catalog, shall we?

TRACK #3: THE ARMAGEDDON CONSPIRACY by Jerry Ahern – This 1984 book is so of its time, in that it feels like Ahern just took a gun catalog and started to write. This TRACK adventure is so filled with product placement, it got to the point that if I took all the references to the types of cars or guns out, it would be about 60 pages shorter.

Track is also the spy of his time: bland with a capital B. Ahern tries to make him into a Mack Bolan/Remo Williams type of figure, but what you get is an extremely boring hero, like from some of those action movies from the ’80s that you’ll forget 10 minutes after watching. The big conspiracy deals with a group of Nazis that takes a town hostage with a nuclear weapon. But here’s the kicker: The President is also one of the hostages. Cue awful ’80s music moments a la TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE (montage!).

I’m assuming this book is a continuation from number two in the series, but I could not be bothered less with this boring book. If you get off on gun-porn, then grab the book. For all others, just pick up a Bolan.

THE DESTROYER #104: ANGRY WHITE MAILMEN by Will Murray – Well, since Remo has jumped the publishing ship from Gold Eagle over to Tor – those adventures start in May – it’s important to cover one of the latter-day Destroyer books. And yes, you read the subtitle of this 1996 entry correctly, as the basic plot has to do with a group of Islamic extremists who set up a cell in the Postal Service, of all places.

But at first, people just think the chaos is the work of random mailmen going nuts, with one shooting up a courtroom and another planting bombs in mailboxes in New York. Murray does the banter of Remo and Chuin to perfection, and two of the terrorists come off like Moe and Larry. Murray also peppers the book with a Postmaster General who only hopes this all blows over soon; one of his brilliant ideas is to have all the coffee the post office workers drink laced with Prozac.

Now the problem with books like this – in our post-9/11 world – is in their final target, as how they plan to pull it off hits too close to home. They don’t use planes, but the consequences are all the same. Now back to what is fun: It’s packed with over-the-top action sequences, like way over-the-top. Now my only gripe is with the cover: There is no hot blonde maillady with an Uzi.

JAKE STRAIT: AVENGING ANGEL by Frank Rich – Here, Gold Eagle gives us a new slant on an old standard: the post-apocalypse noir. Yep, a detective book set after the world collapses and is run like a military state. From 1993, this is the first of four books Frank Rich wrote.

But I’m guessing most people might now of Rich’s other publishing effort, Modern Drunkard magazine. I never knew he wrote this Raymond Chandler/Mickey Spillane hybrid by the way of sci-fi.

Jake Strait is a “Bogeyman,” part of a PI/hit squad, if you will – the kind that hunts and kills wanted criminals for a fee. Now, this being a dystopian future, Strait lives with the lowlifes and not the cultural elite. He’s hired by some rich couple to track down and kill a man they claim raped and killed their daughter. He’s promised a huge payday for the job and jumps at it.

This being a noir book, of course, he’s played for a sucker. It turns out the man in question is no such thing, so Strait wants answers, not the type to take being made a fool of easily, especially when it turns out there is no money to collect.

Rich gives us a view of this seedy future that draws you right in. Before his PI days, Jake was an Army-type ranger in the last big war, sent out on a suicide mission that he was the only one to survive, so you know this guy is just a badass. Throw in some humor and those great noir twists we all love, and you’ve got yourself a winner here. Plus, it has Tim Bradstreet doing the covers, so of course, it looks all PUNISHER-cool.

Gold Eagle is reprinting the four books from this series over the year. Grab this one and then await April for the next installment.

Next week: I’ve got a scanner and I’m not afraid to use it. –Bruce Grossman

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OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THESE SERIES:
• THE DESTROYER #14: JUDGMENT DAY by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #22: BRAIN DRAIN by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #48: PROFIT MOTIVE by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #49: SKIN DEEP by Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #145: DRAGON BONES by Tim Somheil