BULLETS, BROADS, BLACKMAIL & BOMBS >> Glorious House of Sinanju

I’ve really wanted to do an all-Remo Williams column for a long time, but felt I should do something truly special for it. So instead of covering the usual three books, I read 10 DESTROYER novels. Some are fan favorites; others were suggested as must-reads. So settle back and enjoy, since there is no way I’m ever going to attempt this one again. Well, at least not soon.

THE DESTROYER #11: KILL OR CURE by Richard Sapir & Warren Murphy – Someone has figured out a terrible secret that only a select few know about: There is a secret organization gathering information to be used to clean up messes like some sort of secret police force. This is what sets this early 1973 DESTROYER novel.

Things are not as smooth as they will become, with Dr. Smith blaming himself for not making things harder to figure out. See, silly enough, a bank president has cracked a code that leads directly to exposing CURE and the Folcroft operation, with only a week for Dr. Smith to straighten out the mess or else there will be a severe price to pay.

He tells Remo that our favorite lunkhead is CURE’s only hope. But where to start? Remo and Chiun are off to Florida where the story broke, leading them into the dangerous world of politics. The mayor of Miami is about as crooked as you can get, running the town like a little kingdom while taking his kickbacks and putting them safely in Swiss bank accounts. Then there is the problem of an assassin who has the habit of silencing whistle-blowers with an ice pick through the ear.

To say Remo has his work cut out for him is an understatement, having to find a candidate who is so clean that nothing can derail the planned campaign. Throw in plenty of Remo and Chiun squabbling, a few over-the-top action sequences and plenty of humor, and you have a fun outing – a nice change of pace from the current political maneuvering of the real world.

THE DESTROYER #15: MURDER WARD by Richard Sapir & Warren Murphy – For a few simple reasons, Remo is not happy that he has the job he does in this 1974 entry – another early-series treat. Don’t misunderstand me: I love the androids and vampire stuff that comes later, but these initial ones are so dark in tone, you can see how people got hooked onto this runaway freight train of a series.

The plot is pretty straightforward: Dr. Smith is concerned about the mysterious deaths of IRS agents, especially when one dies on the operating table from heart stoppage, even though this person was in the peak of health. As Remo starts digging around the case, there is an attempt made on Wilberforce, the assistant director of the IRS, who Smith sent our team to protect.

After stopping an attempt to burn down Wilberforce’s house and Remo-style retaliation, everything seems hunky dory, until Wilberforce dies of pneumonia at this mysterious clinic. Come to find out the place is a glorified medical hit squad, with the woman in charge having one goal on her mind: making money from an aging drug they have discovered.

This will probably be repeated later, but Sapir and Murphy could do no wrong when they worked together, especially with the banter between Chiun and Remo hitting the high marks – especially with what Chiun wants for Christmas.

THE DESTROYER #18: FUNNY MONEY by Richard Sapir & Warren Murphy – The Author’s Choice reprints got me into Remo the first time around. But since 90 percent of the bookstores I went to as a youth never carried THE DESTROYER, I made due with what I could find  – and remember, this was years before eBay.

This 1975 book is a bit of a flashpoint in the series for one simple addition to the formula: the influence of science fiction. Our authors introduce a soon-to-be fan favorite in the enemy known as Mr. Gordons. Funny enough, in the introduction they wrote for this reissue, Murphy and Sapir talk about all the letters complaining about this element. Personally, that’s what I love about the DESTROYER books. Sure, they got a bit out of hand with some ghostwriters, but when it was the original two coming up with the ideas, things were a bit more believable.

Back to the plot, after we find out that someone has managed to make perfect counterfeit bills with their own plates, an exchange goes horribly wrong, with the dismemberment of one former Treasury agent who made the mistake of handing over a load of tape and wires, thinking that the snipers could take care of this mysterious man named Mr. Gordons. It’s not until much later that it’s revealed who Mr. Gordons really is and how he became that way. Even if you’ve read other DESTROYER books where he makes an appearance and know his secret, it’s still a lot of fun to see this character develop.

This novel allows for the rare occasion of seeing Chiun scared of a man who seems his equal. Trying desperately to break a contract with Emperor Smith, he’s forced into confrontation with Mr. Gordons, who hopefully will pop up again at some point in the current series.

THE DESTROYER #23: CHILD’S PLAY by Richard Sapir & Warren Murphy – From 1976, book four of our Remo-read-a-thon has so many little twists that it just keeps getting better and better as you read. It opens with some FBI men questioning some school kids about a mysterious death they witnessed: a man killed by just throwing a Frisbee-like device. It turns out this man was no innocent victim, but a protected witness under a new name.

He’s is not the only witness who turns up dead under mysterious circumstances, thus grabbing the attention of a certain Folcroft employee who figures the best way to track down these killers is to have Remo and Chiun protect a witness who is being kept on a military base. As soon as our twosome shows up, the witness is killed by two bullets through the chin at close range, yet with no one around.

The title gives away the surprise of whom Remo has to go up against: a team of school-aged kids forming a cold-blooded hit squad. Now that is an original idea, sort of like THE LITTLE RASCALS crossed with Frank Nitti. The authors have a lot of fun with this idea, to the point where Remo can’t bring himself to harm these kids, which drives him nuts since they are constantly taking shots at him. Throw in a military general who believes passing the buck should be a national pastime and the feminist leader of this brood, and you have another prime example of early DESTROYER fun.

THE DESTROYER #30: MUGGER BLOOD by Richard Sapir & Warren Murphy –  How times have changed in this world of PC bullshit, since there is no way this 1977 book would have come out today. This is so over-the-top with stereotypes that it’s comical.

There’s trouble in the Bronx. To put it bluntly, it makes FORT APACHE, THE BRONX look like a Disney film. The book is filled with so much slang and bad grammar, it gets to the point of self-parody. Sure, the point was to illustrate how life in the Bronx is nightmare, no matter the color, but the whole section about the local school is just a bit much.

Remo and Chiun are sent there to find a mysterious device that was stolen from a murdered old woman. The Russians are interested in this device, plus two other deadly weapons Smith hears about. I’m about to give away a minor spoiler, but those two deadly weapons happen to be our heroes. We also get a seriously pissed-off Remo, who wants to quit his job, and just wants to exact revenge on the monster that tortured and killed the old woman.

This would not be the first book for those interested in the Remo Williams world, likely to turn off most newbies. Others understand exactly what to expect from these books: biting satire, so deal with it. Funny enough, this book is a fan favorite, since it pushes buttons like no other. For those who are easily offended, guess what: No one is forcing you to read it.

THE DESTROYER #32: KILLER CHROMOSOMES by Richard Sapir & Warren Murphy – What starts out as an innocent scientific experiment in this 1978 entry changes certain lives forever. Dr. Sheila Feinberg, the poster girl for beer goggles, has developed a way to synthesize genetic patterns with the idea of bettering society. To prove her theory, she drinks the concoction from various animals.

Take a wild guess what happens next: Things turn to shit in a big way, starting off with the doctor collapsing onstage, then disappearing from an ambulance rushing her to a hospital, leaving a bloody mess of the crew and innocent bystanders who became prey, including a baby whose stomach is ripped out.

Ah, yes, it’s another sci-fi-tinged episode, this one with the lunatic becoming a human tiger of sorts. But unlike the cover promises, she always stays in human form, but has the ability of taking the genetics of people she has killed, molding herself into a knockout instead of the train wreck she always has been. Slowly, she converts more people into this new breed of mutant, including an FBI agent.

Remo and Chiun are sent in as a cleanup crew to fight these monsters, with the president hesitant about having only two men do the job. But things turn ugly real quick for Remo when he is attacked by Sheila, so bad that Chiun has to carry him off to hide and mend.

The action is nonstop and you can see why it’s a favorite. Sure, the plot is outrageous, but you also are treated to Remo losing his edge by eating Twinkies and smoking. It’s just a rollicking ride through the pages that will keep the reader glued, especially with a full-on assault on the Folcroft Institute by tiger people.

THE DESTROYER #38: BAY CITY BLAST by Warren Murphy – This 1979 pick was recommended to me by various DESTROYER fans as a total blast. Boy, is it ever, including the potshots Murphy takes – not anyone in the political or entertainment field, but at some of the books that Pinnacle was putting out at the time. You might be able to figure it out, since the target character goes by the name of Mark Tolan – hmmm, wonder who that could be. Mark is working in a group called The Eraser and the Rub-Out Squad.

But I’m jumping way too far ahead. What do you think would happen if the mob got not just a foothold in a town, but actually took complete control? That is exactly what happens in this story, with Remo and Chiun sent to protect the mob mayor. Yeah, you read that one correctly. The Eraser and his crew of sociopaths have declared war on Bay City, but we’re not talking about the brightest group of aggressors out there. I mean, their first act is killing an innocent Chinese family who ran a bakery.

To say Murphy is taking a piss on the publisher is an understatement. He portrays these guys as total screw-ups, having one of them wearing women’s clothing – this, of course, is Murphy having a bit of fun with THE DEATH MERCHANT. Meanwhile, the other person in the crew called The Baker seems to resemble a certain mob goon going vigilante – most likely The Butcher.

Tolan comes off as the worst of the bunch as a hair-trigger lunatic who can’t deal with anyone and constantly says “bang bang.” If you have ever read any Mack Bolan books or any other aggressor adventures that were a mainstay in the 1970s, do yourself a favor and grab this story. It literally had me laughing all the way through.

THE DESTROYER #39: MISSING LINK by Warren Murphy –  The reason for this 1980 pick was super-simple: The cover blurb sold me right away lampooning a president who had a beer guzzling doofus as a relative. Of course, the target was none other than Billy “never met a six pack I didn’t like” Carter.

Bobby Jack is a beer swilling, peeing-wherever, racist homophobe who has meeting with foreign groups and taking their money since they think he actually has influence over the president … until after one meeting with a group of Libyans, he suddenly just disappears. One minute, he goes off to relieve himself against a building, then – poof! – he is gone, with the only clues being two pieces of jewelry: a swastika and a Star of David.

Remo and Chiun are sent looking for the loose cannon before it goes public, and all leads point to PLOTZ, a radical group of extremists who couldn’t shoot straight. A former British spy named Jessica Lester is trying to find the bumpkin, too, but that is just a front to what is really behind this kidnapping, with a terrific ending playing off Bobby Jack’s constant need to take a tinkle.

This is probably the fastest read of all the DESTROYERs so far. For anyone who grew up under Jimmy Carter’s presidency will get a huge laugh from this one. Murphy just skewers the times so well, adding to the fun with the idea that Chiun wants to be in the Olympics and win every event so he can get endorsement deals. Well worth seeking out, it’s these kinds of plots that have made THE DESTROYER such a longtime favorite, since it knows that sometimes, you really need to have tongue firmly placed in cheek.

THE DESTROYER #52: FOOL’S GOLD by Warren Murphy & Richard Sapir – “Oh, what could have been” will go through the minds of most fans with this 1983 paperback, since according to a recent interview with Murphy, FOOL’S GOLD was a reworking of the original screenplay for the REMO WILLIAMS movie. It has globetrotting adventure, tons of action pieces and a rival gang of assassins, but those are the breaks.

The plot deals with a professor discovering a mysterious tablet written in an ancient language, purporting to tell the whereabouts of a mountain of gold – not just some mountain that has a cache of gold, but a whole mountain of solid gold. This puts Smitty in a panic, since if the gold falls into the wrong hands, it could ruin the free-world economy.

Remo and Chiun are sent to bodyguard the professor as she travels from destination to other far-reaching destination for the clues pointing to the mountain. But there is a family of assassins who want the gold for themselves and the third-rate dictator they work for.

There also is a very interesting and telling subplot in this oversized adventure: that all of CURE’s electronic files have ended up on the computer of a Hollywood screenwriter who thinks all these case reports would make a terrific film. From the sounds of this, you can tell Murphy and Sapir were none too pleased with their dealings with Hollywood executives, creating two illiterate studio bosses who think no matter what kind of film, it needs big breasts (including HAMLET).

If the main plot was used as the basis for the film, we would still have DESTROYER movies. Okay, that’s wishful thinking, but at least the first one would have been a huge, kick-ass affair instead of the tepid product that was made.

THE DESTROYER #55: MASTER’S CHALLENGE by Warren Murphy, Richard Sapir & Molly Cochran – Finishing off what will probably be my longest column ever (Editor’s note: No “probably” about it.) is another fan favorite, from 1984.

What a way to end this exhaustive look than that time in Remo’s life where he must go through the “Master’s Trail,” an age-old custom that all in Sinanju have gone through before him: He must walk the earth and meet up with five combatants, all of whom have passed down this tradition themselves in a fight to the death. Remo thinks this whole thing is pointless and makes it known that he just can’t go up to someone and kill him for no reason. Chiun explains that is the way and it would be a dishonorable if he did not take part.

Remo comes face to face with Chiun’s master, a now-blind old man who lives in a cave, and heads off toward his destiny. Meanwhile, back at Sinanju, an old enemy rears his head again with revenge on his mind: the Dutchman, whom we met in THE DESTROYER #46: NEXT OF KIN. So as Remo travels the globe meeting his opponents, Chiun is nursing the Dutchman back to health for a final face-off.

But let’s not forget good ol’ Dr Smith, who has his own problems, since Remo and Chiun are nowhere to be found. Someone is tying to kill the president and has a mole close inside the White House. So again, Smitty is back in action figuring out who is behind these attacks and why, all the while cursing Remo and Chiun’s name.

This one is totally for the fans, since it features so much backstory to Sinanju, Remo’s destiny and most likely his future. I could not have picked a more fitting book to close out this column of DESTROYER fun.

Next time: Vol. 4 or Mob rules. –Bruce Grossman

Buy it at Amazon.

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THIS SERIES:
• THE BEST OF THE DESTROYER by Warren Murphy and Richard Sapir
• THE DESTROYER #13: ACID ROCK by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #14: JUDGMENT DAY by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #22: BRAIN DRAIN by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #46: NEXT OF KIN by Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #48: PROFIT MOTIVE by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #49: SKIN DEEP by Warren Murphy
• THE DESTROYER #77: COIN OF THE REALM by Will Murray
• THE DESTROYER #78: BLUE SMOKE AND MIRRORS by Will Murray
• THE DESTROYER #89: DARK HORSE by Will Murray
• THE DESTROYER #104: ANGRY WHITE MAILMEN by Will Murray
• THE DESTROYER #145: DRAGON BONES by Tim Somheil
• THE NEW DESTROYER: CHOKE HOLD by Warren Murphy and James Mullaney
• THE NEW DESTROYER: GUARDIAN ANGEL by Warren Murphy and James Mullaney

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF WARREN MURPHY:
• GRANDMASTER by Warren Murphy
• TRACE: GETTING UP WITH FLEAS by Warren Murphy