This column is all about books that can be read really quick – filler-free wonders under 200 pages. I figured since we’re in the middle of summer and most people are on the beach, these are some reads to peruse as you’re soaking up the sun or, if you’re me, turning redder than a boiled lobster.

MURDER IS A PACKAGE DEAL by Carter Brown – This 1964 novel is another in the series of Rick Hollman, troubleshooter. There’s a slight problem with Brown’s novels since he does have revolving string of characters, so you have no idea which books are which until you start. This time out, Rick is hired by an “eccentric” actress (how else would you describe a grown woman walking around with a life-size stuffed doll?) named Fabrielle Frye to get her divorce finalized from Mike Westerway, the hubby who ran away with her jewels after two days of marriage four years ago. But now he’s back and trying to blackmail her so she will remarry.

So Rick heads over to where Mike is shacked up with a unidentified girl. Mike does not take too kindly to being bullied and knocks out Rick. Once he wakes up, the girl is dead shot in the eye socket. It turns out she was a personal secretary to a movie studio boss who wants answers. Mike’s sister shows up, thinking Rick’s behind it all, and Fabrielle’s fiancé, who does not seem on the up and up, also shows his face. It’s all about a complicated blackmail plan with a missing cache of $100,000. Now that’s quite a package.

SWING LOW, SWING DEAD by Frank Gruber – This has to be one of the lamest books covered in this column thus far. It’s about a detective who is not a detective and a case so stupid and dumb, it’s not even funny. That all adds up to a total waste of time. From 1964, SWING LOW follows the exploits of two down-on-their-luck hustlers/con men Johnny Fletcher and Sam Cragg. The “case” deals with Sam winning rights to a unrecorded song, one day before the author of that song dies right in front of them from poison.

It is so straight-ahead, boring and predictable, it’s not even entertaining. The cover promises me a hot naked blonde with a gun. Nope. And the guy with the trumpet is two sentences in the last few pages. Also, Johnny never carries a gun like the big floating head. This book is also filled with such exaggerated carcticures of people: beatniks, gangsters, music publishers and a family member who is all “aw, shucks.” Add it to your “do not read” list.

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE DEAF MAN by Ed McBain – As you can tell, this 1973 mystery marks the third appearance of the Deaf Man in the 87th Precinct stories. (I just know of FUZZ being the second, because I watched the movie of it countless times growing up, as it was played ad nauseum on UHF.)

This time around, Det. Steve Carrella has his hands full with two cases going on at the same time and the Deaf Man taunting him with another caper. The two cases are that of a man crucified to a wall in an abandoned building and a string of burglaries in which the thief leaves a live kitten after the job. While the boys in the 87th investigate, the Deaf Man makes his appearance by phone and sends bizarre clues to what he is going to do, like sending photostats of famous people in the mail.

While all this goes on, we get a glimpse into some of the cops’ private lives. Slowly they figure out what they think the plan is, but the Deaf Man has something of a surprise in store for all. Once the caper is pulled off, I had to say “friggin’ brilliant,” since it was very original. Another fine book by the late, great McBain.

Next week, this column gets Brand-ed. –Bruce Grossman

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MISS EARLIER INSTALLMENTS OF ‘BULLETS, BROADS, BLACKMAIL & BOMBS’? REGASM THESE:
• #14: Direct from the Death Cloud Peril
• #13: Hammer and Tongs
• #12: To Helm and Back
• #11: Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover
• #10: Spaghetti Westerns, Pulp-Style

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THESE AUTHORS:
• THE GUTTER AND THE GRAVE by Ed McBain
• THE NEVER-WAS GIRL by Carter Brown
• THE PUSHER by Ed McBain
• TRANSGRESSIONS edited by Ed McBain