Ann Landers never advised, “Your son is going to learn about cocksucking either at home or behind Arby’s.” (Can’t speak for Dear Abby.) But RENO 911!’s Thomas Lennon sure does, in YOU’RE A HORRIBLE PERSON, BUT I LIKE YOU: THE BELIEVER BOOK OF ADVICE. Edited by Eric Spitznagel, the collection assigns 45 comedians, comedy writers and other funny people to assist American’s populace with its problems.
Even if they aren’t real. From being ashamed to reading James Patterson thrillers and whether it’s okay for a guy to fake virginity, to the appropriateness for white people to celebrate Kwanzaa and tips for catching a ghoul, Sarah Silverman, Judd Apatow, Rainn Wilson, Bob Odenkirk, Patton Oswalt and many others are here to help.
Witness Andy Borowitz’s response to an 8-year-old who wonders why we can’t breathe underwater: “You can’t breathe underwater? Consult your physician immediately. You may be made of sand.” Or Rob Corddry to the guy who can’t decides if he should buy a houseboat: “What are the bad reasons to buy a houseboat? A deep, penetrating sleep cycle? Iconoclastic neighbors? Too much pussy?”
My favorite contributor was Zach Galifianakis, especially his efforts in consoling a recovering drug addict: “I spent some time in rehab for my addiction to homemade Ecstasy — made from Tide with Bleach and some old Altoids. Somersaults in the park while singing any Spin Doctors song are also useful.”
The more you like the performers — Aziz Ansari, Ed Helms, David Cross, Amy Sedaris — the more you’ll like the entries. This is not a book to be read cover to cover, lest you overdose on false counsel. Put it atop the toilet for the most amusing bowel movements you’ll have all month.
But, hey, what the fuck is Martha Plimpton doing here? —Rod Lott
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