I’m sure there’s a great book out there about the secrets of the supermarket tabloid publishing business, but RABID NUN INFECT ENTIRE CONVENT: AND OTHER SENSATIONAL STORIES FROM A TABLOID WRITER is not it. Nice authentic Enquirer-esque design, though.
As a freelance writer for The Sun, Tom D’Antoni made up lots of stories during his tenure – the crazier, the presumably better – with subjects ranging from a taxicab defecator and a human termite to a denture bandit and a woman who loses her head (literally) while she sleeps. From the very first article, “Grandma Turns Pet Dog Inside Out for Lost Lottery Ticket,” it’s evident the stories are complete fabrications. It’s also evident that they’re completely not funny.
What I found most interesting were the brief interstitial paragraphs in which D’Antoni describes life at the tab, but it’s all too brief to be satisfying if you’re hungry for insider detail; after all, inquiring minds wanna know! He also talks about appearing as a guest on Oprah, during which, he constantly reminds us, he got “big laughs.” I’ll take his word for it. Then again, that audience pisses its pants over a free kitchen utensil. Supermarket tabloids are good for a laugh while you’re standing in line at the grocery store, but even then I’m only talking about glancing at the covers. God forbid you actually pick one up to leaf through. If you’re not willing to pay a couple bucks for it there, why would you want to pay $13.95 for this?
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You must have no sense of humor whatsoever. Every one of these stories is funny. It is YOU who aren’t funny. You’re an idiot.
Yes, that must be it.