Simon Rich, you slay me. I suspect you wrote the short, frequently one-page humor pieces that comprise FREE-RANGE CHICKENS in about 30 seconds longer than they take to read, but they make me laugh, nonetheless. Well, most of them, anyway.
The first section, “Growing Up,” is all about stuff from your childhood. Like excerpts from your seventh-grade diary, full of stark warnings to prying peepers followed by brazen confessions, such as Wednesday’s entry of, “Beware! He who readeth this scripture will surely come to a horrible end, for these precious words exist for mine eyes — and mine eyes alone! Went to school, came home, watched CHARLES IN CHARGE, MURPHY BROWN and THE HOGAN FAMILY.”
The next, “Going to Work,” isn’t quite as laugh-out-loud, but at least you get in good jokes about Stephen Hawking’s A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME turning into I LOVE LUCY fan fiction after the first three chapters, and why acupuncture school takes four years.
I’m more of a “Daily Life” fan myself, starting with the rules of boxing: “Elbowing someone in the stomach: illegal. Hitting someone so hard in the head that part of his brain dies: legal.” I also like the Secret Service questionnaire, the illogic of logic problems and the bit about why taking a time machine to kill Hitler wouldn’t go over so well (“Oh my God. You killed a baby.” “Yes, but the baby was Hitler.” “Who?” “Hitler. It’s … complicated.”)
Oh, and that thing about other businesses trying the model of amusement parks snapping your photo on the roller coaster? Hilarious. Especially when you imagine what it’d be like at Burger King: “Would you like to buy this? It’s a photograph of you dipping your Whopper into the barbecue sauce.”
Section four, “Relationships,” is good, too, with Count Dracula trying to lure victims via a Match.com profile (“About You: You come to castle.”), a Red Cross solicitation letter and a summer tour brochure targeting teens. And the final sections, “Animals” and “God”? Well, they’re not your best work, but they’re not at all painful.
And then there’s the back flap. Geez, even your haircut on the author photo is funny! And I see you write for SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. So why isn’t that show funnier, huh? Huh? Seriously, it could use some good HOGAN FAMILY jokes. —Rod Lott
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I’m still waiting for his first book, “Ant Farm,” to come down in price at Half.com. I’ve read some of his articles at the New York Times site, and they’re good, but both books are so short, I can’t see paying more than $5 for it, including postage.
One book that I know is worth the full price is Jack Handey’s “What I’d Say To The Martians.” This was one of the funniest collection of humor essays I’ve ever read, almost equal to Woody Allen’s first three books.