1. IF I DID IT by Paul Reubens – In this thrilling and highly controversial book, the former PEE-WEE’S PLAYHOUSE star takes a speculative look at the way events might have unfolded on July 26, 1991, if he really had been guilty of invading his own private manzone in a Sarasota, Fla., adult movie theater.

2. NEWTON’S FOLLY by Michael Crichton – Having previously set his sights on debunking global warming, workplace sexual harassment and the humanity of the Japanese people, the bestselling author of JURASSIC PARK now has set his sights on science’s most sacred law: gravity. Set in a gritty, unnamed urban metropolis, Crichton tells the story of a former physicist-turned-homicide-detective who investigates a series of deaths in which the victims seem to have floated mysteriously off the ground and asphyxiated in the airless heights of the planet’s atmosphere. As is typically the case with most of Crichton’s novels, NEWTON’S FOLLY was simultaneously released to theaters in an adaptation starring Michael Douglas as the detective with teen singing sensation JoJo as his stewardess girlfriend.

3. THE BILLION-DOLLAR-FRANCHISE-STARTING FIRST NOVEL THAT WILL SOON BE ADAPTED INTO A MEGASUCCESSFUL BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE STARRING SCARLETT JOHANSSON (WHO’S TOTALLY GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME) by Allan Mott – From out of nowhere, the publishing world was rocked by Mott’s debut effort and its thrilling tale of a boy wizard who uses his skills as a forensic pathologist to take down a crooked law firm run by the mob, while he also deals with the problems caused by the dark apocalypse that resulted after the most recent rapture event by working in his spare time as the assistant to a ruthlessly ambitious female fashion editor. Never before has a work so flagrant in its desperation been so utterly entertaining.

4. I PWNED YOU BIZATCHES by Ann Coulter – The media world was shocked this year by the release of this book-long confessional by the famous right-wing pundit. In it, she revealed herself to be Thomas Epstein, a Jewish drag queen/performance artist who created his demented alter ego at a 1992 poetry slam/spoken-word event and was amazed to discover that no one else seemed to get the joke. “Everyday,” he writes in the first chapter, “I assumed that someone would finally clue into the fact that I was obviously a dude shouting out the kind of nonsense that used to get people lobotomized in saner times, but no one ever did and the money was too good for me to admit to it myself — until now.”

5. LOOK WHAT I FOUND! by Stephen King – It was only through a fluke accident that the famous master of horror fiction found the lost key to a desk drawer that contained the 1,000-page manuscript to a book he didn’t remember writing. “I must’ve wrote it during an alcoholic/coke blackout in the ‘80s,” he guesses in the book’s brief introduction. “You can tell I was high when I did it because it doesn’t make a lick of sense, but you suckers bought THE TOMMYKNOCKERS, so I figured, ‘What the hey!’”

6. BIG BAD by Gregory Maguire – Following the same formula that made his previous books WICKED, CONFESSIONS OF AN UGLY STEPSISTER and MIRROR MIRROR so successful, Maguire once again reinvents a classic fairy tale, this time exploring the world of the Three Little Pigs from the point of view of the Big Bad Wolf. Abused as a child and abandoned by his pack, the book’s hero finds himself homeless and starving when he reaches out desperately to a trio of porcine property developers. Rather than help the poor wolf, the three pigs torture and humiliate him until he snaps in a fit of rage and decides that, for once in his life, he won’t be anyone’s victim anymore. The book is a tour-de-force allegory of the growing economic divide between the rich and the poor in today’s America.

7. NEIL GAY-MAN’S A FAG AND IF U LIKE HIM YOUR QUEER (AND OTHER PITHY OBSERVATIONS) by MARVELFAN78912 – Famed in the exciting world of online comic-book forums for his prodigious and thought-provoking insights regarding the medium, this is the first time MARVELFAN78912’s thousands of posts have been collected together in one volume. In it, you will find such controversial declarations as CAP AMERICA CULD TOTALY KICK BATFAG’S ASS, WOLVERINE IS SO AWSOME HE’S MY FAVRITE SUPARHIRO and BRETT RATFUCKER MUST DIE FOR WHAT HE DID TO X-MEN, but the longest section is devoted to the posts in which he discusses which female heroes he would most like to have sex with (I WOLD FUCK SHE HULK BUT IM AFRAYD HER GAMMA RAYDEASHON WOLD BURN MY DICK OFF LOL).

8. A BAGFUL OF KITTY CATS by Russell Banks – The critically acclaimed author of THE SWEET HEREAFTER and AFFLICTION once again makes you want to question living with this despairing look at the hopes and dreams of a bagful of adorable kitty cats on their way to be drowned in a nearby lake. It doesn’t get any bleaker than this, folks!

9. NAKED PICTURES OF US by Evangeline Lilly, Tricia Helfer, Mimi Rogers and Charo – It was only matter of time before the publishing world took notice of how many online readers came to sites like BOOKGASM hoping to find naked pictures of the stars of LOST, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, LOST IN SPACE and THE LOVE BOAT. Thankfully, this year the folks at HarperCollins heeded this call and gave the public what they so desperately wanted. No one need ever search for such images again! –Allan Mott

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