Scouring out the weekly singles scene … in comics!

In this week’s SERIOUS ISSUES, Cap is dead! Stark is an asshole! Werewolves are badass! I wanna be a cowboy! And She-Hulk’s a skank!

CIVIL WAR: THE INITIATIVE #1 / CIVIL WAR: THE CONFESSION #1 / CAPTAIN AMERICA #25 (Marvel) I’ve kept pretty quiet about this whole Marvel CIVIL WAR business. It didn’t really seem to interest me that much. The concept was huge: After the New Warriors kill some 600 citizens whilst battling a few low-level villains, the ensuing controversy forced the government – with the help of S.H.I.E.L.D. – to form the Superhero Registration Act.

Originally, they asked Captain America to head it, but being a firm believer in the right of privacy, he declined and subsequently went rogue, forming an underground Avengers. Instead, the new head of the Superhero Registration was Tony Stark – aka Iron Man – who has gone on to become the ultimate asshole ever to be featured in a comic book.

He declared war on Captain America and his buddies, leading to a final, bloody battle that – after viewing all the destruction as a result of the war – forced Captain America to surrender to authorities, making Stark and his pro-registration cronies the victor.

In THE INITIATIVE one-shot, the fallout of CIVIL WAR begins to show, as Stark – now the head of S.H.I.E.L.D. – sets up Registration-approved mini-Avengers to bring in non-registered heroes in every state (and Canada), employing even corrupt baddies like Venom and Bullseye to do the job.

Around this time, with Captain America in custody, the unexpected happens. In CAPTAIN AMERICA #25, as Cap is being marched into court, a sniper’s bullet goes through his neck and then, to finish it off, another assassin fires one off at close range. It’s truly one of the most harrowing comic deaths, and that even saying something in an age when irony has defeated shock, due to the amount of dead characters who undoubtedly return to life on a regular basis.

As he lies dead on a cold steel slab, Tony Stark – too little too late, if you ask me – cries over Captain America’s corpse in the one-shot THE CONFESSION. It’s a powerful sequence, and one that just makes you want to whoop Stark’s ass, Hulk-style, all the more.

LEGION OF MONSTERS: WEREWOLF BY NIGHT #1 (Marvel) With the success of its MARVEL ZOMBIES series, it looks like Marvel is resurrecting more of its supernatural monster characters, and I ‘m going to be first in line to grab them. The first one-shot under the title LEGION OF MONSTERS is an action-packed updating of WEREWOLF BY NIGHT, as our unlucky wolfman Jack Russell takes on werewolf bigotry in a small town.

It’s a quick, fun tale written by X-MEN’s Mike Carey and with wonderfully detailed artwork by Greg Land, followed up by a new MONSTER OF FRANKENSTEIN story by Skottie Young that is a morality tale that is reminiscent of the three- or four-page fillers in those old Marvel monster mags.

Next up in the series are MAN-THING, MORBIUS and SATANA. How long until Brother Voodoo makes a comeback?

THE LONE RANGER #4-5 (Dynamite) I think that this book has surpassed JONAH HEX as my favorite comic book. Don’t get me wrong: I love the Hex, but with each issue of RANGER, there’s more of an emotional connection made to the character; yeah, you feel bad for Hex and all, but he’s a prick.

The Ranger, on the other hand, is a good guy who’s been placed in an extraordinarily fucked-up situation, doing the only thing he can think of to make it right, but – like any human – making many mistakes along the way. He’s a hero, but he’s a fallible hero.

In the latest issues, a sightless assassin keeps cutting down everyone to get closer to kill the Lone Ranger; Silver is purchased; and the Lone Ranger and Tonto have it out once again. THE LONE RANGER has totally revitalized the comic-book Western, making it relevant for the first time in more than 40 years. If you’re not reading this book, you might as well not read comics at all.

THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD #1-2 (DC) While Marvel was having its CIVIL WAR, DC was doing its huge, year-long mega-crossover 52. I’d like to explain it to you, but I have no idea what it’s about or what’s going on. Alls I know is that someone raped Elongated Man’s wife to death and everyone went balls-out nuts.

It’s harder to follow DC crossovers as it is, and if you miss one or two, it’s easy to get lost. So whenever possible, I try to avoid DC events that are not self-contained. Needless to say, I haven’t been reading that many DC superhero titles as of late.

So thank God for the new team-up series THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD. Why can’t DC do more comics like this? It’s so refreshing to read a superhero series as old school as this one is; they even got George Perez doing the incredibly intricate, gorgeously colorful artwork.

In the first issue, Green Lantern is cruising around in space, only to find a random dead body floating around. He teams up with Batman to solve the case, leading them to discover this crazy, intergalactic casino-hopping entity. So while Batman tries to figure out what’s the Earth connection to all this, we move into issue two, with Green Lantern teaming up with the ultra-nubile but possibly dumb-as-a-rock Supergirl.

They go to an outer-space mega-casino to trace this dead alien, with Supergirl getting in some deep shit as she takes on a couple of giant monsters and GL finds a book that can predict the future, leaving her there all alone, and she doesn’t know how to get home. Way to go, Hal!

In the next issue, we get to see what Batman was doing when all this was going on, as he’s teamed with the new Blue Beetle in El Paso (!?!?!). You never realize how great these simple, goofy stories are, and how missed they are in comics, until you go for a couple of decades without them. Thanks, WATCHMEN!

And please, don’t forget to pick up these perennial SERIOUS ISSUES faves:

ACTION COMICS #846-847 (DC) Richard Donner is in the middle of the best Superman storyline since the MAN OF STEEL mini-series, with Zod and his crew wrecking Earth, but then … I don’t know. The story was to be continued in #847, but instead, it’s pre-empted with a lame story written by Dwayne McDuffie about Supes taking Pa Kent into outer space. What the fuck is going on here, DC?

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET #5-6 (WildStorm) Freddy does some shit to kids in their sleep, so they get an Aztec dream demon to fight him. Okay, I’ll buy it.

FRIDAY THE 13th #3-4 (WildStorm) Jason does some shit to kids at a camp, so they run around all scared, but is this Jason the same Jason we’ve always know? Okay, I’ll buy it.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE #3-5 (WildStorm) Leatherface does some shit to … oh wait, he doesn’t. The Hewitt family continues to terrorize the group of FBI agents trying to investigate the most heinous crime in the annals of American history. Also, you know that really obese chick with glasses who always says “Mah, mah, mah!” Well, she rapes one of the captured FBI agents. Chew on that for awhile.

DARKMAN VS. ARMY OF DARKNESS #3-4 (Dynamite) This mini-series was a fun ride when it lasted, with Darkman and Ash taking on hordes of Deadites, with even an appearance from a Deadite Durant, who, in the movie, you may remember was played by Larry Drake, who was also Benny, the retarded mail-room guy on L.A. LAW. That was some funny shit.

SHE-HULK #15-16 (Marvel) She-Hulk, who chose Stark’s side during CIVIL WAR, is dealing with the consequences as S.H.I.E.L.D. makes her their bitch. Also, She-Hulk is kind of a slut in this series, sleeping with just about everyone she meets, but when she tries to hook up with Wolverine, he blows her off, saying he has better things to do than “go chasing around after Juggernaut’s sloppy seconds.” Snap! Ohnohedi’nt! –Louis Fowler