Discussing books on movies … almost as good as watching them, and without the sticky floors!
Sit down kiddies, because I’m going to tell you a story that takes you back to the sweet, forgotten golden age that was December 2006. Ah, now that was an era we’ll never see the likes of ever again. Excuse me … I think I have something in my eye … sniff.
Please forgive my sentimental nostalgia, but I’ve always felt that someone who can’t be moved to tears by the weight of their own memories is truly a sad person indeed. The reason I’ve decided to saunter down the rosy path of Memory Lane is because way back on Dec. 21, 2006, I wrote the first of what I promised would be a three-part examination of the whole movie-novelization phenomenon, and even though so much time has passed since then, I am a man of my word; here now, I present to you the second part of my trilogy, taking a gander at the novelized adaptations of THE RESCUE, THREE AMIGOS and POLTERGEIST, and once again trying to determine whether or not it is true that the book really is always better than the movie.
THE RESCUE by Elizabeth Faucher
Movie: Hey, remember that movie where those kids banded together to fight commies because the government was too much of a sissy bitch to do it itself? Yeah, RED DAWN was pretty awesome. It’s probably the funniest comedy of the ’80s (well, it made me laugh). Yeah … so … THE RESCUE … um … it had Skippy in it. Remember Skippy? He was so in love with Mallory, but then, who wasn’t? I miss Justine Bateman. It’s a shame her film career tanked after SATISFACTION. The last time I saw her was when she played a hooker on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, and all of those sweet FAMILY TIES memories came floating back. Speaking of FAMILY TIES, wasn’t it ironic how all those right-wingers got pissed off at Michael J. Fox during the election last year? I wonder how many of them used to consider Alex P. Keaton their personal role model? Wait, I was writing about something else, wasn’t I? Right … THE RESCUE. It also starred Kevin Dillon, which probably means the producers gave the script to Matt first and he told them “This sucks! Ask my kid brother if he wants to do it.” Poor Kevin. It must be hard knowing you’ll always be second best. I wonder if he ever hangs out with Joey Travolta or Donnie Wahlberg?
Book: It’s sort of weird reading the novelized adaptation of a movie you haven’t thought about (ever) since you last saw it 18 years ago. It’s kinda like getting on a bus and seeing someone who you remember was in your 10th-grade math class, but whom you never once talked to or even shared eye contact with. You have no reason to greet them, but a part of you feels obliged to somehow acknowledge your shared history, so you give them a small smile that they can interpret as either meaning “Mr. Wilson sure was a dick, huh?” or “I’m a pleasant stranger who enjoys smiling at people on public transportation.” Actually, now that I think about it, reading THE RESCUE isn’t anything like that at all. It was actually very boring and totally reminded me why I hadn’t thought about the movie it was based on since I was 12.
Verdict: A tie. I actually would have to be able to remember the movie to properly determine how it compares to the tedious book it inspired. Thankfully, it has yet to be released to DVD, which suggests that I might have to start questioning my atheism and admit that there really is a god after all.
We Suggest: You rent TRICK OR TREAT to get your Skippy fix. I just saw it again a couple of weeks ago and I’ll be damned if it didn’t entertain the bejeezus out of me!
THREE AMIGOS by Leonore Fleischer
Movie: As a film, THREE AMIGOS is one of those creative works that defies conventional judgment. It is neither good nor bad, but instead simply, irrefutably, just is. Does it contain moments of inspired genius? Undoubtedly. Anyone who can watch the famed “My Little Buttercup” sequence and not feel the chill of brilliance run up and down his spine either has no soul or was paralyzed in a car accident and hasn’t been able to feel anything run along the spine in a very long time. But then the film also costars Chevy Chase, or — as he is best known in most circles — The Man Who Makes the Laughter Stop. It is this yin-yang pull of inspired comedy and no-talent hackery that renders the film incapable of being evaluated with the traditional guide marks of “thumbs up” or “thumbs down.” It is a construction completely of itself and not bound by the rules of critical analysis.
Book: Sucks.
Verdict: In truth, THREE AMIGOS is a film I tend to think of more fondly as the years pass on. The book, on the other hand, vanished from my mind while I was still reading it.
We Suggest: You and your friends get together and down as many shots of tequila you can stand and then try to recreate the famous Amigos salute. Record your efforts with a video camera and put the resulting footage on YouTube. Dude, that would be so hilarious!
POLTERGEIST by James Kahn
Movie: Steven Spielberg: Hi, can I talk to Tobe Hooper, please?
Tobe Hooper: Speaking.
Spielberg: Hi, Tobe, it’s Steven Spielberg. Maybe you’ve heard of me. I directed JAWS and CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND. I’m pretty awesome.
Hooper: Yeah, I know who you are. I loved 1941.
Spielberg: Really?
Hooper: Yeah, I actually sat through half of it.
Spielberg: Cool! You just made my day! Anyhoo, I’m calling because I’m sorta in a bind here.
Hooper: Uh-huh…
Spielberg: Y’see, I’ve got two projects on the front burner right now. One is this little kids movie I’m making about an alien who comes down to Earth and befriends a little boy. I don’t think it has a lot of box-office potential, but I love the script and I think it’s going to make an awesome game for the Atari 2600.
Hooper: Yeah?
Spielberg: And the other is this horror movie about a family who’s haunted by this evil, destructive poltergeist. Its working title is SCARY GHOST, but I’m hoping we’ll think of something better pretty soon.
Hooper: That sounds great, Steven, but I was just about to start dinner…
Spielberg: I gotcha! You want me to get to the point. ‘Kay, the reason I’m calling you is because I’m afraid that people are going to think I’m some kind of freak if I make both of these movies in one year. I mean, everyone already thinks I’m amazing! If I do something like this, they’ll think I’m a god! That’s a lot of pressure! I mean, I’m fantastic, but even so, I could stand to lower people’s expectations a bit. You get me?
Hooper: Sure. Why not?
Spielberg: Right. So what I was thinking is that I’ll direct both movies, but I’ll only take credit for one of them. People expect me to do stuff with cute aliens in them, so I figure I’ll put my name on that one and I’ll pay to have someone be my surrogate director on the ghost movie.
Hooper: Are you serious?
Spielberg: Totally! So, I made up a list of the directors I thought people would believe would direct a movie like SCARY GHOST and so far John Carpenter, Wes Craven and Sydney Pollack have all told me to go fuck myself, so — remembering how you made that little chainsaw movie in Texas a few years ago — I thought I’d call and ask you.
Hooper: Let me get this straight. You’re going to direct the movie, but I’ll be credited as its director?
Spielberg: That’s right.
Hooper: Why in hell would I want to do something like that?
Spielberg: Because I’m going to pay you a shitload of money.
Hooper: Interesting….
Book: Interestingly enough, rather than dilute the obviously Spielbergian touches that make it so easy to suggest that Hooper didn’t actually direct POLTERGEIST, the book actually makes them that much more evident. Like the movie, the book is a strange combination of the horrific, fantastic and adorable that shouldn’t work in theory, but somehow does despite itself. And while Kahn’s prose is never inspired and has all of the papa-needs-a-paycheck urgency that informs the text of the majority of books in the genre, the book is never boring and makes for a fun way to waste an afternoon.
Verdict: The movie’s better. The book is fine, but I like seeing JoBeth Williams mudwrestling cadavers in her underwear much more than I do reading about it.
We Suggest: You bring up the subject of the POLTERGEIST films at a party and beat the shit out of the first person who mentions that they heard how they’re supposed to be cursed. Chances are they have it comin’ to them anyway. –Allan Mott
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