When those two words come out a chubby British director’s mouth, it sets the mood for what’s to come. Welcome to a slightly different column than usual, as I’ll be covering three of the Alfred Hitchcock book collections. Hey, if the master of suspense – who gave us the greats like SHADOW OF A DOUBT, PSYCHO and REBECCA – says they are worth reading, who am I to disagree? Let me break the bad news right away: Hitchcock’s actual involvement with the books is in name only; even the intros were all ghostwritten. But no matter, as these books have some pretty top-notch writers involved, as you will see.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS: 14 OF MY FAVORITES IN SUSPENSE – This 1959 anthology proudly proclaims its inclusion of the original short story that inspired THE BIRDS. This is probably why I grabbed this book first, since I always wondered why he made that film. The collection starts out with that Daphne Du Maruier story, and it’s a home run. For a story about 30 pages long, it’s filled with tense moments. I can see what drew him into to expanding it to the screen; the images of a family holed up in a cottage in England just trying to make it through the night is horrific and suspenseful.

From there, the collection gives what is probably my favorite of the book: “Man with a Problem” by Donald Honig, about a man preparing to jump off a ledge off a building, with a terrific twist ending. Two other great stories make 14 FAVORITES worth searching out even more. “My Unfair Lady” by Guy Cullingford deals with a man wrongly accused of a murder, and the only one who can clear him is an 8-year -old devious beyond her years. And C.B. Gilford’s “Terrified” is about a group of teenagers involved in a car accident who try to figure out what to do with the dying victim.

Now, the book is not just murder and killing; there are some stories that enter the supernatural realm, such as “The Inexeperienced Ghost” by H.G. Wells, about a man recalling his encounter with a ghost who does not have the haunting process down. Then there is the great “The Duel,” where a wife meets a former lothario through her Ouija board. With its ending, “The Crate at Outpost 1″ plays like a TWILIGHT ZONE story more than Hitchcock. Also there is the folklore-like tale of “They Bite” by Anthony Boucher, where sometime it pays to listen to the old timers talk about avoiding certain places.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK’S A HANGMAN’S DOZEN – The selling point to this 1962 collection is some of the writers included: You get two Donald Westlake stories (one under his Richard Stark name), Ed McBain writing as Evan Hunter, Richard Matheson and Ray Bradbury. And pretty much everyone in this collection gets what’s coming to them. Well, almost everyone: In “Stop Calling Me Mister,” a scorned husband gets his revenge and gets away with it.

Matheson’s contribution, “The Children of Noah,” teaches an important lesson of sticking to the speed limit in small, out-of-the-way towns, since the fine might be more than you expect. Out of the two Westlake stories, the Stark one is the better of the two: “The Curious Facts Preceding My Execution” tells a story of a husband who is going to get rid of his wife with a great alibi … if only his wife’s daily life at home would cooperate with him. Bradbury’s “The October Game” shows his sinster and evil side – something you don’t get reading some of his sci-fi. It’s an old play on the haunted house with a sick little twist.

This collection fits the Hitchcock motif of having a little fun in the end. Probably the best example is in the “Your Witness” story, in which a lawyer rips apart the fabric of a witness, but in the end, it’s the witness who has the last laugh. Another great set of stories you can find for a about a dollar.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK’S ONCE UPON A DREADFUL TIME – Finishing off this column, this 1964 collection deals a lot with family – not just husbands and wives, but relatives and siblings. The family motif is prevalent throughout, be it in “Antique” by Hal Ellson, where a man learns not to fool his forgetful sister-in-law, or in “A Family Affair” by Talmage Powell, where a sheriff figures out what happend to the stepfather in a tight-knit family.

Then there is the story of “Granny’s Birthday” by Fredric Brown; if you ever go to a party and you are the only non-relative there, be on your guard. In John Faulkner’s “Hill Justice,” two brothers’ resemblance to each other comes back to bite them in the ass. Finishing off the family motif is the longish “The Dangerfield Saga” by C.B. Gilford, in which a young couple lives with their paranoid aunt, who believes she will die at her relatives’ hands.

In DREADFUL, we also get a helping of uxoricide (that’s a fancy word for wife murder; we’re all about education here at BOOKGASM), and “If This Be Madness” by Lawrence Block is the real standout in this department. Block’s narrator explains how it’s better to act a little crazy than go through a divorce. “Bodies Just Won’t Stay Put” by Tom MacPherson is a tale of a man who has his wife’s killing all planned out, if not for this one “cop” who keeps showing up. Then, finally, you have “Number One Suspect” by Richard Deming, about a brow-beaten husband, his shrew of a wife and his means of escape by faking a robbery of his store during which his wife is killed. Now only if he can convince the cops he had nothing to do with it.

There are some other great tales in this collection, but the first two in it were total misses. So be forewarned if, after the first two, you’re ready to put the book down. Just skip them and get to the better stuff. Cause “No One on the Line” is a much better opener.

Next week, what would Lee Marvin do? –Bruce Grossman

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MISS EARLIER INSTALLMENTS OF ‘BULLETS, BROADS, BLACKMAIL & BOMBS’? REGASM THESE:
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• #21: Red Spies at Night
• #20: September Is for Spies
• #19: I Hate Illinois Nazis

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THESE AUTHORS:
• THE GIRL WITH THE LONG GREEN HEART by Lawrence Block
• THE GUTTER AND THE GRAVE by Ed McBain
• H.G. WELLS COLLECTOR’S BOOK OF SCIENCE FICTION by H.G. Wells
• LEARNING TO KILL: STORIES by Ed McBain
• LEMONS NEVER LIE by Richard Stark
• LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE DEAF MAN by Ed McBain
• THE PUSHER by Ed McBain
• 361 by Donald E. Westlake
• TRANSGRESSIONS edited by Ed McBain
• THE WAR OF THE WORLDS by H.G. Wells
• WOMAN by Richard Matheson