Recently we saw the release of the latest Stephen King cinematic adaptation, THE MIST. It is trashy King done by a classy director and I loved every minute of it. It straddles the line between “good” Stephen King film and “bad” Stephen King film.
You know what a “good” Stephen King film is: THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, THE SHINING, CARRIE, STAND BY ME, THE GREEN MILE. While that’s all well and good, I have to be honest with you: I’ll take lousy, shitty Stephen King flicks anyday over any of those classy ones. No need to church it up for me. Give me the low-budget junk, the spectacular misfires, the ridiculously plotted storylines, the overwrought amateurish acting and the AC/DC soundtrack. Why? For the simple reason that the worse a Stephen King film is, the more entertaining it is.
Can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that four kids on a summer search for self-discovery is more entertaining than a group of kids who stalk and kill all the adults in a small town because they follow the teachings of a demonic being known as He Who Walks Behind the Rows? No, you can’t. STAND BY ME may be the better film, but CHILDREN OF THE CORN is the fun film.
Here’s a list of my personal “bad” King faves that no matter what time of day, if it’s on television, I’ll be watching it …
MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE
This is the only film ever directed by Stephen King, based on his short story “Trucks.” Hilariously enough, it’s also widely regarded as the worst King adaptation of all time. But, oh, how wrong they are …
Emilio Estevez leads a group of truck stop denizens the day that a comet’s tail passes over the earth and causes all mechanical equipment — from blenders and soda pop machines to gigantic semi-trucks and army tanks — to come magically to life and, even worse, carry on normal brain functions. They, the machines that is, trap and kill anyone who crosses their path, all to a soundtrack by AC/DC. Run me over and call me roadkill!
SILVER BULLET
I wish Gary Busey were my uncle. Not only would he be a constant drunken mess who offers wholly inappropriate advice to me at all times, but, if I were handicapped, he’d make me a high-tech, engine-powered wheelchair slash motorcycle slash death machine called, of course, the Silver Bullet.
That name would be especially ironic when I come face to face with our local werewolf, whom I proceed to shoot in the eye with a bottle rocket. I would also be played by a young, unsullied Corey Haim.
There’s still time, right? Right, Uncle Gary? Uncle Gary?
CHILDREN OF THE CORN
It’s a fear that we’ve all had when driving though a small town that’s strangely devoid of adults: that all the kids have killed the grown-ups and are led by a gravel-voiced boy-girl named Isaac, who has started a cult based around delicious, golden ears of corn — their god being a demon known as He Who Walks Behind the Rows. It’s completely rational and, for all intents and purposes, probably quite accurate. I mean, have you been to Kansas?
It’s also the plot of CHILDREN OF THE CORN, a movie that actually had my mom praying for the souls of my brother and me after viewing it, saying that we let “evil in the house.” Yep, when it makes your superstitious Mexican Catholic mom call for an exorcist, you known that you’ve done something right. I guess it didn’t help when I started talking in the Isaac voice, calling her an “interloper.”
THE RUNNING MAN
You know what a kick-ass flick is? Why, it’s the Arnold Schwarzenegger actioner THE RUNNING MAN. Not based on a Stephen King novel, technically, but on a book by his alter-ego Richard Bachman. But, to be fair, the book and the movie share only a title in common and very little else.
Instead, the movie is about a disgraced futuristic cop who, after being framed by a corrupt government, is given the choice of either death row or fighting for his life on the game show THE RUNNING MAN, which is hosted by, in the most genius casting of all time, Richard Dawson. Yes, that Richard Dawson. Filled with classic one-liners, massive amounts of needless violence and gratuitous Jesse “The Body” Ventura, I can say with pride that THE RUNNING MAN is one of the greatest films of all time. Eat it, CITIZEN KANE!
DREAMCATCHER
This big-budget adaptation directed by Oscar-nominated director Lawrence Kasdan and starring Morgan Freeman as a bloodthirsty, crazed Army general, was supposed to be one of the “good” Stephen King films, along the lines of SHAWSHANK or MISERY. There was actually a little bit of Oscar buzz around it. It was going to be a classic King flick.
But somewhere along the way, people forgot that the book is about an alien that possesses people by going up your butt while you crap. Yeah: up your butt. They might has well of called it INVASION OF THE BOOTY SNATCHERS. The last time I checked, Academy Award-winning movies don’t have alien menaces entering your anal orifice. Let me make sure: KRAMER VS. KRAMER, TERMS OF ENDEARMENT, PLATOON — yep, no ass-chugging aliens. But really, it’s their loss, don’t you think? —Louis Fowler
OTHER RECENT BOOKS 2 FILM REVIEWS:
• BOOKS 2 FILM >> Beowulf
• BOOKS 2 FILM >> I Am Legend
• BOOKS 2 FILM >> The Mist
Related posts:
- BOOKS 2 FILM >> Silver Bullet
- BOOKS 2 FILM >> 1408
- BOOKS 2 FILM >> The Call of Cthulhu
- BOOKS 2 FILM >> The Mist
- Stephen King returns to ‘SALEM’S LOT with super-sized edition
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I always loved King’s own comment after seeing Maximum Overdrive….”Moron movie”
Dreamcatcher is either a really horrible King movie or a really wonderful satire of a King movie.
I think you’re a bit unfair to CARRIE–unlike, say, SHAWSHANK, it doesn’t try to be “classy” at all. (In general, classy movies don’t have girls’ locker room tampon-throwing scenes.) In fact, CARRIE does by the far the best job of merging the low-budget junky and smart storyteller sides of King.
Certainly CARRIE is classy at least in hindsight. It does have a (now-)brand-name director and earned a couple of Academy Award nominations.
Regardless, I’m not ashamed to say I own all of these “worst” movies.
Not really your topic but it got me thinking: I can’t think of a single King-penned screenplay that wasn’t just an awful finished product.
I mean, that Shining miniseries?
Jack Nicholson’s Jack Torrance >>>>>>>>>> Dude from Wings’ Jack Torrance.
I appreciate what King was trying to do in light of his problems with Kubrick’s vision, but that was brutal.
Other than KINGDOM HOSPITAL, I have yet to make it through any King TV miniseries.
Storm of the Century isn’t half-bad. I remember seeing Maximum Overdrive at a drive-in near Ames, Iowa. About halfway through, a thunderstorm lead to a power outage and, mercifully, shut the film down for the night.
I finally watched the Rob Lowe ‘SALEM’S LOT the other day, and it wasn’t terrible.