“Hey, Book Whore,” you say with a wave, entering the bookstore. “What’s going on?”
She’s wearing a Hazmat suit, albeit the slinkiest, sexiest Hazmat suit you’ve ever seen. “Threat level red,” she warns, “for TERRORIST. It’s one of this week’s biggest titles, a novel by John Updike about an 18-year-old Islamic suicide bomber.”
“Sounds like a blast,” you say, not even picking up on your poor choice of words. “But what else you got that’s a little less … oh, I dunno, depressing?”
“Well, there’s THE SABOTEURS by W.E.B. Griffin and William E. Butterworth IV. It’s a new novel in Griffin’s ‘Men of War’ military adventure series from the 1980s, concerning OSS agents.”
“Okay, cool. William E. Butterworth IV, huh? That’s quite lengthy.”
“Oh, is length all you think about?” she asks. “Then measure this. Those LEFT BEHIND guys Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins have done a prequel, and the full title is THE RAPTURE: IN THE TWINKLING OF AN EYE – COUNTDOWN TO THE EARTH’S LAST DAYS.”
“Good God!” you say, taken aback by the sheer audacity of it all. “I’ve always wondered how if LEFT BEHIND was supposed to be about the end of the world, how could they keep making all those sequels?”
“Greed,” she snaps. “And for the flip side of the religion coin, you could do worse than David Seltzer’s THE OMEN, his 1976 novel back in print in time for the remake.”
“I read that in junior high, actually,” you say.
“I care not. Here, you’re going to need this,” she says, handing you a rope and pointing toward a ladder.
“Um, okay,” you say, not questioning anything. You just walk to the ladder, all the way up to the top rung. There, you tie the rope to the bar on the ceiling, form a noose at the other end and slip it around your neck.
Then you say proudly, “Look at me, Book Whore! It’s all for you!” Then you jump and the force of the rope jerking around your neck breaks it, killing you instantly.
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