Stories I Only Tell My Friends

I think it’s safe to say that Rob Lowe and I are about as different as two life forms can be and still be classified as belonging to the same species. It is equally safe to say that given the evolutionary choice, nature would definitely select him over me. This should make me resent him, and I do (I really, really do!), but not enough for me to not recommend his very entertaining new autobiography.

Beyond having a title guaranteed to encouraging legions of stalkers to show up at his house, STORIES I ONLY TELL MY FRIENDS also manages to pull off the nigh impossible trick of being extremely likable for a memoir detailing the supermodel-humping adventures of the prettiest of all pretty-boy Brat Packers.

Lowe achieves this mostly by refusing to acknowledge the inescapable realities of his visage in favor of describing a childhood spent as self-described drama geek. Transplanted to California following the divorce of his parents, Lowe found that his theatrical experience scored him little points amongst Malibu’s popular teenage surfing clique.

Those of us, however, who actually were geeks in high school probably will suspect that Lowe protests too much, especially when his pubescent charms lead to such memorable early experiences as visits to the sets of STAR WARS and THE MUPPET MOVIE, the latter of which occurred after he met and impressed Richard Hunt (the puppeteer responsible for Scooter and Janice) at a Dodgers game.

Lowe fails to mention that Hunt was gay (or even his last name, for that matter), implying that the invitation resulted purely as the result of Lowe’s pluck and their mutual devotion to the same baseball team. That he actually seems to believe this is an essential part of the book’s charm. At times, Lowe comes across as the male equivalent of one of those ever-happy hot girls who believe the world is a wonderful place because everyone is just so gosh-darned nice to them.

I like those girls. I find their naïveté charming. Plus they’re hot.

In a book filled with gripping chapters, perhaps the best is the long section dedicated to his role in Francis Ford Coppola’s epic ode to cute thugs from the wrong side of the tracks, THE OUTSIDERS. Having not seen the movie in decades, I struggled to remember Lowe being in it.

Turns out there’s a good reason for this, as Lowe describes the sensation of spending months giving his heart and soul to the project, only to discover that his part was almost completely cut out during post-production. It’s a reality of Hollywood life that you frequently hear about in passing, but seldom get to read about in such excruciating detail. You can tell that it still bothers him even 30 years later.

Equally enjoyable for film buffs are his behind-the-scenes tales of roles he didn’t take in what would eventually become some of the biggest flops of all time. Offered the part Kyle MacLachlan played in DUNE, he balked at the contractually obligated sequel commitment, especially when he found out his character’s head was replaced by a sandworm’s in the third book in the series. And his tale of meeting with Roman Polanski in Paris about starring in PIRATES (back when it was supposed to star Jack Nicholson instead of Walter Matthau) is made memorable by a chance encounter with Bill Murray, whose loneliness while filming THE RAZOR’S EDGE leads to Lowe receiving a special gift.

To his credit, he doesn’t gloss over his failures, cheerfully devoting several pages to projects most other memoirists would dismiss in a single sentence. Instead of skipping past a debacle like Peter Bogdanovich’s ILLEGALLY YOURS (the 1988 fiasco that halted the momentum of both of their careers), he bravely digs in and describes what he thought went wrong. In this case, Bogdanovich — riding high on the success of MASK — decided to trust his own genius (which had served him so well on DAISY MILLER and AT LONG LAST LOVE) and cast Colleen Camp against type as Lowe’s love interest and rewrote the script to give his talentless, 20-year-old girlfriend (who just happened to be the sister of his murdered centerfold lover) a featured role.

Sadly, not all is smooth sailing as you glide through Lowe’s prose. Throughout the book, he repeatedly commits what has to be one of the most aggravating literary crimes a celebrity memoirist can commit: waiting until the end of an anecdote to reveal the identity of another famous person, even though we already guessed who they were the second they were introduced. At least a half-dozen times in the course of STORIES, you will experience moments like this (please note these are not direct quotes):

Lowe: My agent asked me to have lunch with a young actress from New York who was currently playing the lead role in ANNIE on Broadway.

Me: Hmm, he wouldn’t be telling us this unless that young actress eventually became someone famous. … Who’s the most famous person to have ever played Annie on Broadway? Oh! It has to be Sarah Jessica Parker!

Lowe: I went to the restaurant with my girlfriend, and we met a pretty girl with curly brown hair named Sarah.

Me: I knew it! It is Sarah Jessica Parker

Lowe: My girlfriend quickly grew bored as the two of us talked about acting and the theater. Sarah asked me if I was going to keep on being an actor when I grew up. I said wasn’t sure. She said she was. “I love acting more than anything,” she told me.

Me: We know she does. She’s a big star. She’s Sarah Jessica Parker.

Lowe: We left the restaurant and said goodbye to each other.

Me: Only to meet again years later when you’re Rob Lowe and she’s Sarah Jessica Parker? Am I right?

Lowe: Twenty-five years later, I would see her –

Me: Who? SARAH JESSICA PARKER?!?!?

Lowe: — again when I was nominated for a Golden Globe for THE WEST WING

Me: And she was nominated for SEX AND THE CITY, because she’s Carrie fucking Bradshaw!

Lowe: — and I watched as Sarah Jessica Parker ascended the stage to accept her award for best actress in a TV comedy.

Me: FUCK YOU, ROB LOWE!

I admit this might seem like I’m over-reacting, but Lowe does this a lot in STORIES I ONLY TELL MY FRIENDS. So much so I think I kinda earned the right to sucker-punch him at least once if we ever met.

That said, his memoir is as honest and humble as any book written by a guy who got laid more in a long weekend than most of us will in our lifetime could be. Filled with tons of memorable stories and fun insider details, this is a must-read for any fan of celebrity bios or ’80s pop culture.

Plus, as the title clearly indicates, Rob and I are now close enough for me to crash at his place whenever I’m in Santa Barbara! —Allan Mott

Buy it at Amazon.

RSS feed

22 Comments »

Comment by Slade Grayson
2011-06-10 09:48:36

Allan, if this book is ever reissued, Rob should have you write a commentary on each anecdote as you did above. It might double the book in size, but it’s the only way I would ever be compelled to read it.

(Comments wont nest below this level)
 
Comment by BLS
2011-06-10 19:51:29

“Lowe fails to mention that Hunt was gay (or even his last name, for that matter), implying that the invitation resulted purely as the result of Lowe’s pluck and their mutual devotion to the same baseball team. ”

What the holy hell? What on EARTH gives you any reason to bring anyone’s sexual orientation into that scenario? I read the same book you did (audiobook, actually) and there was no reason whatsoever to question whether Lowe’s meeting Richard Hunt was any different from how he described it. Your comment comes way out of left field and makes you look like an ass.

That said: I rarely read biographies, but really enjoyed this. Especially the parts where the other star’s identity was the punchline. This was a warm & personable recounting of a life with many interesting choices and junctures and I would highly recommend it.

(Comments wont nest below this level)
Comment by Allan
2011-06-10 20:50:09

If Lowe was a hot teenage girl and he was invited to the set of a movie by a random stranger she met at a baseball game, that wouldn’t strike you as odd and possibly inappropriate?

Perhaps I’m too cynical.

Comment by Rod Lott
2011-06-11 10:38:36

It strikes me as inappropriate and, thus, valid to bring up. And I understand Lowe fails to mention the sex tape scandal, the nanny scandal and the Melissa Gilbert abortion situation. If that’s the case, it’s unfortunate. That said, he kicks ass on PARKS & REC.

Comment by Allan
2011-06-11 14:05:54

The sex tape scandal is obliquely referred to, but only in terms of its aftermath and not the actual details of the tape’s creation. The nanny scandal is not mentioned and I’ve never even heard of the Melissa Gilbert thing.

 
 
 
 
Comment by R
2011-06-11 18:02:04

I find everyone’s writing in this thread sexy. See you on the set.

(Comments wont nest below this level)
 
Comment by BLS
2011-06-12 01:15:54

Yes, Mr. Mott, I would say it’s possible that your cynicism has run amok. I’m no Pollyanna, but I can absolutely envision a day in that era where a guy who works in movies meets a young aspiring actor and film fan and invites him to tour a movie set with no ulterior motive (whether or not Mr. Hunt was gay – I have only your word to take for it). As neither of us were there at either the ball game or the movie set visit, there’s no telling one way or another whether the occasion was all innocent fun or something a tad more sleazy. My problem with your inference is that it’s a wild speculation casting aspersions that are – unless you have knowledge you haven’t stated here – are unsubstantiated. Not to mention, well, sleazy. Isn’t there enough of that crap in the world already?

(Comments wont nest below this level)
Comment by Allan
2011-06-12 02:17:34

The truth is that Hunt’s sexuality is merely incidental to the point I wished to raise through my observation, which is my suspicion that the majority of what Lowe describes as random lucky encounters were less the result of happenstance than his fortunate physiognomy. I don’t begrudge him the visit, but I do strongly believe that under the exact same circumstances the teenage version of myself would not have received the same invitation, despite my equitable fascination for show business .

I feel this is less “sleazy” than it is an honest evaluation. We live in a world where physically attractive people are often presented with opportunities not open to those of us incapable of inciting pleasure through the gift of our mere presence. To not acknowledge this strikes me as being disingenuous. It does no one any good to deny the realities in which we live.

That said, I remain confident in my belief of the gesture’s inappropriateness. Let me provide an example from my own life. As an author I have had the privilege to go to several local schools and talk to young children about my work and craft. Once, after talking to a group of fourth-graders, a serious looking boy handed me his phone number and asked me to call him because he was interested in becoming a writer and wanted to discuss the subject with me. I smiled, thanked him and–as soon as I left the room–threw the phone number away. As charmed as I was, I understood that it was completely inappropriate for a 30 year-old man to contact a 10 year-old boy in this way and that his parents would be justifiably upset if I did. I admit this may be considered a damning indictment of the society we live in today, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

And truth is something the world always needs. No matter how much it may affect our most charming recollections from the past.

And, so you don’t have to take my word for it, here’s a link that confirms Hunt’s sexual preference via his biographer:

http://www.bilerico.com/2011/03/the_rainbow_connection_richard_hunt_gay_muppeteer.php

Comment by Slade Grayson
2011-06-12 22:26:58

Allan, I have a confession to make: I was that ten year old boy.

Comment by Allan
2011-06-13 02:17:41

And aren’t you glad I didn’t call?

 
 
 
 
Comment by R
2011-06-13 10:46:34

Wow, it made me smile picturing a kid giving you his number like that, and then I realized how sad it is that you couldn’t call him to give him some advice or encouragement, because you’re right, a grown man really can’t have contact with a kid these days.

(Comments wont nest below this level)
 
Comment by ND
2014-01-10 07:49:08

I’m not sure what you hoped to accomplish with this “review” besides perpetuating a very ugly stereotype.

(Comments wont nest below this level)
Comment by Allan Mott
2014-01-10 09:42:12

Yawn. See above. I already addressed this in the comments 3 years ago.

Comment by ND
2014-01-10 10:17:01

And frankly it should have been removed three years ago. Yawn indeed.

 
 
 
Comment by ND
2014-01-10 10:34:15

You can’t just make accusations about people based on nothing but your own paranoid assumptions. Even in joking it was incredibly tasteless. Especially when a person is no longer around to defend themselves. And it doesn’t matter if it was 3 years ago if people can still see this gossipy nonsense.

(Comments wont nest below this level)
Comment by Allan Mott
2014-01-10 10:40:56

I made no accusation. I merely implied that the gesture was potentially creepy. Which it was. And which it would have been if it was Jim Henson himself inviting a 15 year old girl he met alone at a ball park for a tour of the workshop. But–to repeat myself–my point was less about the potential creepiness of the gesture, but Lowe’s essential naivete, which allowed him to believe that such gestures were the result of mere niceness and not the fact that he just happened to be one of the most attractive people on the planet. Perhaps Hunt was in the habit of inviting every plucky young boy and girl he came across to the workshop, but that strikes me as unlikely.

Comment by ND
2014-01-10 11:01:42

Hunt was known for giving people tours of the Muppet Show set (both children AND adults). He was known for going out of his way for people he didn’t know (an intervie with his family mentions a time he helped a woman, a total stranger, who was about to commit suicide). And he was also known for making life long friends of many of the celebrity guest stars on the show (such as Mark Hamill and Candice Bergen, both very much adults, btw). Are you going to make something out of that too?
Perhaps most people aren’t that outgoing and forward, this is true, but there is no evidence it was anything more than what it was.

Comment by Allan Mott
2014-01-10 11:11:09

None of this invalidates the point I made above. An adult male–no matter how friendly, outgoing, altruistic and popular with celebrities he may be–inviting a boy to his place of work after a single meeting at a ballpark is behaving in an inappropriate manner that could justifiably be called creepy. Hunt’s invitation may have been innocent, but it still was part of a pattern in Lowe’s life in which he SOMEHOW managed to receive extraordinary invitations most kids his age never received. Maybe it was a matter of pure luck or maybe it was BECAUSE HE LOOKED LIKE ROB LOWE.

Comment by ND
2014-01-10 11:20:34

You are a writer, sir. You are supposed to make judgments based on research and evidence, not just your assumptions. It was unprofessional.

 
Comment by Allan Mott
2014-01-10 11:23:59

By that standard nearly every work of critical evaluation is unprofessional. This was a book review, not a work of journalism. My interpretation of the events as described are entirely valid.

 
 
 
 
 
Comment by ND
2014-01-10 11:30:16

By that standard, someone could also accuse you of anything regardless of facts and evidence.

(Comments wont nest below this level)
 
Comment by ND
2014-01-10 12:42:56

Btw one more thing and I promise I’ll quit bugging you, lol. I’ve read that part of the book too. Lowe mentions that his mother was there on the set with him. And btw he did a movie with Hunt years later called Oxford Blues. Just saying, you need to see the full picture here.

(Comments wont nest below this level)
 
Name (required)
E-mail (required - never shown publicly)
URI
Your Comment (smaller size | larger size)
You may use <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong> in your comment.