Because time isn’t always kind: economic reviews in a world full of waste!
Having just proposed to his girlfriend whom he met on the Internet, UK journalist Sean Thomas uses the occasion to revisit his entire sexual history in the memoir MILLIONS OF WOMEN ARE WAITING TO MEET YOU. Lonely and in his late 30s, Thomas took an assignment to write a first-person article about online dating. Describing each successful conquest and each shot-down date, Thomas also reminisces about past partners. Both scenarios allow for such tales as when he got blown by the family maid as a child, when he discovered crabs crawling in his pubes, when he first tried a hooker but prematurely ejaculated onto the carpet, when he got an underage schoolgirl pregnant … twice, when one woman asked if he was “going to put your big willy inside me,” when he debated about whether or not he should sodomize a woman whose butt was hovering and ready for it. I suppose being regaled with sexual tales of others offers voyeuristic appeal, but Thomas gets so cocky (pun not intended) about it that it – ahem – rubs you raw. It’s also near-impossible to feel sorry for him when he asks. Recommended for those whose reading material is limited to Maxim, for which Thomas has written, appropriately enough.
Not enough sex for you? Eden Bradley’s THE DARK GARDEN will fill that hole (enough with the puns!) with this novel about Rowan Cassidy, a bondage club worker. She’s really into S&M. When she first lays eyes on the hunky Christian, she immediately falls for him. He’s really into S&M, too. That has the makings for a match made in sadomachoistic heaven, correct? Wrong. See, the problem is they both like to dominate. The irony! So Christian makes her an offer: Be my slave for 30 days and see how you like it. (Spoiler: It gets her wet!) Let’s see Morgan Spurlock try that. It’s full of kink, which is what people who read erotica want; I’m not one of them, but it’s also full of sass, which will widen its appeal.
Ho-ho-hilarious is the cheesiest but best way to describe THE LAST CHRISTMAS, a graphic novel written by Gerry Duggan and stand-up comedian Brian Posehn about Santa Claus becoming an alcoholic after the zombie apocalypse and the slaying of many elves and his own Mrs. But because one kid still believes in Santa, the jolly fat man’s attempt to end his life all fail. Ol’ St. Nick springs into action to deliver – however reluctantly – a present to this boy, while slaying a horde of the undead and taking revenge on his beloved wife’s death. It’s ever so bloody, bleakly comic, laugh-aloud funny and wrong on so many levels, it just feels right. –Rod Lott
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
That Last Christmas looks must-get!!
Jeez, what a mixed lot you’ve given us today!
Though I’d never part with any of my too few funds for MILLIONS OF WOMEN …, I might take a quick peek at it in the bookstore or at the library for shits & giggles. That’s it though.
The guy just sounds like he’s too seedy to be a sympathetic protagonist for my tastes. I mean, “blown by his family maid”, “crabs” impregnating school girls?!! SHEESH …
THE LAST CHRISTMAS though DOES sound like a must read to me.
How’s the artwork?
Probably put off reading it ’til around Christmas time myself. I’ve always had a bizarre & twisted appreciation for the dark holiday stuff. For instance, back in the day, some of my biggest thrills were from the annual X-Mas issues of CREEPY & EERIE.
Keep up the good work bro!
How’d I neglect to mention the art? It’s great — obviously inspired by Rankin-Bass, but with a total professional and gory edge. Here’s the litmus test for THE LAST CHRISTMAS: If you think Santa running toward a dead elf as he exclaims “Choo-Choo Bobby!” is funny, this book is for you.
I was too young, unfortunately, to be able to buy CREEPY and EERIE, and I regret it.
THE LAST CHRISTMAS sounds like a fun book to read on the beach this summer.