Comments on: 50 Reasons No One Wants to Publish Your First Book

By: Kevin Smith

Kevin Smith — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 02:58:56 +0000

Hey!!! I have no idea where all this hate is spewing from!
Show yourselves you cowards (except Allen)

By: Michael N.

Michael N. — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:59:01 +0000

Sandi, just in case you don’t wind up disappointed, “vegetarian vampires” as a genre of fiction has already been done — in a children’s books series. I’m talking, of course, about the delightful “Bunnicula” stories, about a vampire rabbit who sucks the juices from veggies. But open that Word document and go to it! You could probably put a whole new slant on vegetarian vampires who AREN’T bunnies!

By: Sandi

Sandi — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:44:52 +0000

This was so funny. Great stuff. I Like the imagery of the vegetarian zombies. Would that be anything like a vegetarian vampire, sucking the juices from fruits and vegetable. Hmmm, this is an idea worthy of pondering. I think I better open a Word document right now.

By: Sabrina

Sabrina — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:09:07 +0000

I have been smiling through this whole post and discussion but this one actually made me laugh out loud! Hilarious stuff guys!

By: Michael N.

Michael N. — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 21:30:38 +0000

I had what I thought was a wonderful manuscript about a 1940s vampire private eye, but at least one publishing house told me, “Don’t let the door smack you in the ass on the way out.” Should I have taken that as a bad sign?

By: Gail

Gail — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 14:05:19 +0000

Wonderful! As a historical fiction writer who hates dialect, #31 is particularly dear to my heart

By: Theresa Meyers

Theresa Meyers — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:58:40 +0000

Thank God I write vampires…

Thanks for the laugh today! Great list.

By: Kimberly Davis

Kimberly Davis — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 11:33:42 +0000

Oh dear, #35 really hurt. Apparently I’ll need to add some vampires to my book of poetry.

By: dannii

dannii — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 18:11:59 +0000

well, i wrote something….with vampires….but after a lengthy period of being bugged by my friend as to whether she could read it or not, adn then having it snatched off me by said friend, she asked ‘are they gay?’. No, it was NOT all about a gay relationship. it was a kid about to get killed by a vampire. :s

By: Cathy C

Cathy C — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 01:15:24 +0000

You made my day with this! Be prepared for onslaught of RTs at Twitter!

By: Marie

Marie — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 23:10:06 +0000

**It’s never a good sign when a manuscript’s first sentence is “’Are luck’s run out,’ said the Princess, ‘there unicorns are to fast!’”**

I laughed. I cried. I’ve actually seen sentences like this on writing sites.

Marie

By: Zoe Winters

Zoe Winters — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 16:06:46 +0000

No, bigfish, vampires are the only part you’re supposed to leave in. Weren’t you listening?

By: bigfish

bigfish — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 04:06:05 +0000

Does this mean I should take the vampire cavalry out of my Civil War epic?

By: Allan

Allan — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 07:24:53 +0000

Actually, Leslie, considering the last four books I’ve bought have all been about food, yours is definitely one I’m glad is being published.

By: Yarg

Yarg — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 06:36:53 +0000

#27… Shit! I KNEW he was looking at me funny!

By: Peter Flynn

Peter Flynn — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 20:25:03 +0000

Because a heated struggle for control of the local community college English Department is not exactly compelling reading… actually it can be: read Wilt by Tom Sharpe for one of the funniest parodies.

By: Leslie F. Miller

Leslie F. Miller — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 21:27:52 +0000

That’s all true and hilarious. I’m sure glad I sold my book before anyone read this entry. No vampires. But there is cake!

By: Bex

Bex — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 21:39:17 +0000

That was my favourite too XD I need to beware of that… only with futuristic slang rather than regional dialogue.

By: Craig

Craig — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 17:49:23 +0000

You mean you’re NOT supposed to do those things????? Oh well, that’s okay because I really want to direct…

By: brian

brian — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 02:18:10 +0000

That was a funny post, especially #43

By: Corey Wilde

Corey Wilde — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 16:10:25 +0000

“Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship…”

By: Allan

Allan — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 12:02:57 +0000

I know it would sell at least one copy, but I don’t know if I’m an audience an author can build a career on….

By: Corey Wilde

Corey Wilde — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 03:04:48 +0000

Okay, I get it, Chocolate and Shoes has already been done. But are you saying my chick-lit story about an alcoholic lingerie model (called ‘Panties and Puke’) isn’t going to outsell Sophie Kinsella?

By: Josephine Damian

Josephine Damian — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 15:28:44 +0000

Hilarious and dead on! #novelfail

#27 was my favorite, too.

By: Charlayne

Charlayne — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 02:16:44 +0000

Only if they have zombies astride them, munching on lettuce and gleefully reciting the ending monologue from “Midsummer’s Nights Dream”.

By: Kelly Fineman

Kelly Fineman — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 19:43:17 +0000

Brilliantly funny – I’ve linked to you today, after expressly warning my blog readers not to have beverages at hand whilst reading – I nearly caused damage to myself and/or my laptop when I hit #23, and again at #27.
Best,
Kelly Fineman, Writing & Ruminating

By: Ron

Ron — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 19:17:34 +0000

Dunno who ya’ll work for, Al, but it’s durn shore you’ll never make it with a rill publisher. Ever one of your examples coulda made millions for the woman who signed O.J.

By: Rob

Rob — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 03:52:00 +0000

Alas and alack! My book, she shall never be done now! Curse you, Kevin Smith!

By: Jennifer L

Jennifer L — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 02:44:01 +0000

I started a book about two years ago that would have had serious problems with #31, if I hadn’t quit writing it after three chapters.

#46 describes my first husband perfectly.

By: Allan

Allan — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 21:06:10 +0000

I confess. My first attempt at a novel got away from me and ended being something completely different than what I intended. For that reason it remains hidden away on my old iMac’s hard drive. It wasn’t all a waste, though, since I’ve taken my two favourite characters from the book and transplanted them into my second attempt (which, if it ever does get published, would technically be my 13 and 1/2 book, but never mind all that).

By: Fred Davis

Fred Davis — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 21:00:45 +0000

Vegetarian zombies actually prefer cauliflowers. All fanfiction should start with a unicorn based chase scene.

By: Piper

Piper — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 20:25:12 +0000

#33

Graaaaaiiiinns….

By: Dave R

Dave R — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 18:46:59 +0000

I was thinking about dude vampires durring the civil war.
Tht wld B so hawt.
Seriously, I have 21 pages written so far.

By: Sid

Sid — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 16:07:44 +0000

Yep – whole damn list lost credibility at just this point…

j/k Allen – good stuff.

Sid.

By: nofluer

nofluer — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 15:19:22 +0000

#53 “The detective was just standing there in the produce aisle when suddenly he realized what he was looking at. The bin was full of lettuce heads, BUT WHERE WERE THE BODIES?”

By: Tim Bird

Tim Bird — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 08:05:30 +0000

Come on, Allan. Spill it.

By: Alyce

Alyce — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 06:21:58 +0000

Well, what about vampiric unicorns eating pudding? I promise, none of them have back fat.

By: Allan

Allan — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 02:20:48 +0000

No, that makes it plagerism, ‘cuz that one happened to be oddly specific for a reason….

By: kathy

kathy — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 02:05:22 +0000

31. There’s a fine line between writing authentic regional dialogue and making all of your characters sound like stroke victims. HAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s great.

By: Julio Angel Ortiz

Julio Angel Ortiz — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 01:53:36 +0000

But my version of #25 has vampires in it… so, does that make it okay?

By: Kyra

Kyra — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 01:36:29 +0000

HAHAHAHA, awesome. The sad part is that most of these probably have been tried, at one point or another. Or more than once.

By: Ren

Ren — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 01:26:08 +0000

Kenny totally knows.

Poor bastard.

By: Tara Maya

Tara Maya — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 23:54:17 +0000

I can’t believe Chocholate and Shoes has already been suggested… Curse you, Kevin Smith!

By: --Deb

--Deb — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 22:38:44 +0000

Wonderful, wonderful! I can’t even pick a favorite point because they’re all good … though, I WILL say that I’m perfectly fine with there NOT being any vampires. That’s so over done…. (grin)

By: Rick

Rick — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 21:38:01 +0000

This is total bull. Wolverine would kick Batman’s ass any day.

By: Erik

Erik — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 18:56:10 +0000

#31 reminds me of so many short stories from Creative Writing classes during college, and only some of them mine!

By: elycleoe

elycleoe — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 18:19:53 +0000

I can’t stop laughing at this. IT’S SO BRILLIG!!! You so made my day. Thank you!

By: Greg Cox

Greg Cox — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 16:14:27 +0000

51. Because a heated struggle for control of the local community college English Department is not exactly compelling reading . . . .

52. “Men of the Middle Ages, the Hundred Years War has begun!”

By: Erik

Erik — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 14:48:39 +0000

Every good idea for a story I have is often followed by the words, “Curse you, Kevin Smith!”

And yes, my story does have vampires.

By: t.h.

t.h. — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:56:35 +0000

…thanks for the imagery…Zombies, wobbling through fields, gnawing on heads of lettuce…whoa…but seriously, since this is about novels, I understand. If we were talking nonfiction…isn’t…OPRAH WINFREY…A BIG FAT CUNT??