Emmy-nominated comedian Carol Leifer is known for her work on both sides of the TV camera, including shows such as SEINFELD, SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE and LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN. Now, she’s the author of the humorous memoir WHEN YOU LIE ABOUT YOUR AGE, THE TERRORISTS WIN: REFLECTIONS ON LOOKING IN THE MIRROR, from which the following essay appears.
40 Things I Know at 50 (Because 50 Is the New 40)
1. The people who frequent nude beaches are never the people you want to see naked.
2. Making love to a woman is like buying real estate — “Location, location, location!”
3. Never buy expensive thong underwear. One trip through the dryer and it’s a frilly bookmark.
4. Never put your baby’s length on a birth announcement. It’s a baby, not a marlin.
5. If you see a woman with a big belly, never ask if she’s pregnant or when she’s due. Trust me.
6. If you have a garage sale at your house, don’t be afraid to put anything and everything out. (I once sold half a bottle of Listerine.)
7. Never eat pistachio nuts after getting a French manicure.
8. When someone says, “To make a long story short,” they’re already too late.
9. When a waiter asks you to taste the wine and you’re clueless, sip it and then say, “Yeah, that should get me hammered.”
10. Badly cut bangs do always grow back.
11. A great birthday gift for a woman you don’t like who’s about to turn 40? Magnifying mirror.
12. Best job for a woman? Judge. She gets to wear a big black weight-hiding muumuu all day.
13. Worst job for a woman? Naval recruit. How anyone would have the courage to wear white pants all year is beyond me.
14. When someone starts a sentence with “No offense … ,” you can bet they are about to say something incredibly offensive. (Same goes for “Nothing personal …” and “Can I give you some constructive criticism?”)
15. Tequila should always be sold with an instant camera attached to it so the next day you have some idea of what happened.
16. Five-minute drum solos are always four and a half minutes too long.
17. The phrase “good toupee” is an oxymoron.
18. I believe that we can take the word “morbidly” out of the phrase “morbidly obese.” It seems mean and gratuitous, like calling someone stroke-inducingly plain.
19. Worst question to ask an elderly person? “How are you feeling?” You’ll be there for days. (Second worst question? “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”)
20. Someone named Adolph has a hard time dating.
21. When a salesperson in a clothing store tells you that you look great in something, always remember that they work on commission.
22. The sunny side of the street is the one with the threat of skin cancer on it.
23. Never wear high heels to an event if you’re going to be outside on a lawn.
24. If your thighs make noise while wearing corduroy pants, you need to lose some weight.
25. If you can tie a cherry stem with your tongue, you are really good at sex.
26. A witch’s tit is not colder than anyone else’s tit.
27. When your husband suggests experimenting sexually with multiple “inputs,” politely remind him that you are a woman and not a surge protector.
28. Never refer to a woman as “ma’am,” even if she’s 90 years old. No one likes it.
29. You may not rationalize eating an entire pint of ice cream by claiming it was for the calcium.
30. Never eat at a restaurant that charges for bread.
31. No one looks good eating a burrito. Not even a porn actress.
32. A fly in an airplane is very lost.
33. Men recuperate from the death of a spouse much sooner than women do.
34. When you offer someone a mint, they will invariably ask, “Why, do I need one?”
35. Never buy Sweet’N Low, Equal or Splenda at the supermarket. That’s what restaurants are for.
36. If you plan on having your lover’s name tattooed on your arm, always leave room before it for a possible “I Hate” down the road.
37. Why do men have nipples? What’s the point? They’re like plastic fruit.
38. Professional bodybuilders look like walking challahs.
39. Never complain about your age to someone older than you.
40. Director Norman Jewison is ironically not Jewish.
Related posts:
- PREVIEW >> Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Laundry
- PREVIEW >> Hater: Chapter 1
- PREVIEW >> Hater: Chapter 2
- PREVIEW >> Hater: Chapter 4
- PREVIEW >> Hater: Chapter 3
