In MAXIMS OF MANHOOD: 100 RULES EVERY REAL MAN MUST LIVE BY, Jeff Wilser dishes out dozens of decrees the red-blooded male species should follow. He’s been researching the work for more than 25 years, ever since he felt guilty for breaking the rule “Never cry at the movies” — he was 6; the movie was E.T. This book is his atonement.
MAXIM #19: NO GRANNY SHOTS.
For the uninitiated: the granny shot is when you scoop the basketball with both hands, hold it between your squatting legs, then toss it in the air the way you might heave a microwave. It’s undignified. It’s unseemly. It looks like You’ve never even watched the game of basketball, much less played it.
It’s unacceptable. This doesn’t mean that you have to shoot a Steve Nash — like 90 percent from the charity stripe. But you need the basics. Shooting a basketball is Guy 101. Similarly, you must demonstrate proficiency — even if it’s just rudimentary — for the following:
Tackle. The metaphor’s sort of painfully obvious, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Tackling shows that you can meet a problem squarely, unafraid to get hurt or get dirty. The guy who refuses to tackle is the guy who ducks a fight, dodges the draft, and skips his alimony.
Run a mile. You’re allowed to huff and puff. And you don’t have to run the 40 in 4.3 seconds. But at the very least, you must be able to jog a mile without looking like Chunk from THE GOONIES.
Do a pull-up. If Linda Hamilton can do several pull-ups in T2, you should at the very least be able to do one. Palms out, straight waist, no bucking.
Throw a baseball. You’ll never outgrow this. Long after those sunny days at Little League, you’ll still be faced with company picnics and afternoon dates. Even if you despise the game of baseball, it’s your contractual duty to teach this to your son. If you don’t do it for you, do it for him. Same goes for throwing a tight spiral.
Swim. It’s not necessary to be Michael Phelps, but if you can’t even tread water, you risk getting saved from drowning by a woman or a child. Consider staying underwater.
MAXIM IN ACTION
Look at Shaquille O’Neal. Experts mostly agree: shooting a free throw underhanded — granny style — might actually improve Shaq’s woeful free throw percentage. The Big Aristotle, however, knows that if he resorts to this ignominy, what he gains in percentages he loses in street cred, intimidation factor, and self-respect. The second he attempts a granny shot, he stops being the most feared player on the planet and starts being the biggest laughingstock since Shawn Bradley. If a 300-pound beast like Shaq can’t get away with shooting a granny shot, then neither can you.
MAXIM EXCEPTIONS
If you’re in a wheelchair you’re off the hook, but you’re still expected to compete in quadriplegic rugby. (Like Jason Street in FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS.) Additionally, if you’re clearly dominant in one sport, it gives you the luxury to slack off in others. If LeBron James played baseball, for instance, he could whiff every pitch and bat .025 and we wouldn’t question his athleticism or virility. In fact, this has happened. His name was Michael Jordan.
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If all of the rules are that frat-boy-ish, I’ll wager a large sum of money that “No fat chicks” figures prominently in the top ten. Feh to Wilser and his backwards-baseball-cap-wearing ilk.