Our end-o’-week roundup of what you missed while working for The Man!

It’s been a whirlwind of a week here at BOOKGASM; the Labor Day holiday in the U.S. shortened my time in the office for once, and hopefully this respite gave you, Dear Reader, what it gave me: time to reflect, eat some meat and reread THE CHINATOWN DEATH CLOUD PERIL by Paul Malmont. It’s awesome, but there are newer gems in our gem box, and the most surprising one has 21 letters and starts with an S. Enjoy!

MONDAY >> 9.4.06
While most of us spent Monday in a state of shock over the death of Steve Irwin* from all-too-natural causes, Bruce Grossman honored the fallen celebrity by working through a veil of tears and filing a heartfelt review of STALKING THE PUZZLE LADY, which is part of a series of mysteries involving crossword puzzles. While the crossword puzzle thing might seem like a blatant attempt at distinguishing this old-lady detective series from the rest of the mysteries on the shelf, crossword puzzles actually figure into 87 percent of murders in North America, so stop looking down your nose at the Puzzle Lady, or Bruce will hit you with a half-empty bottle of Johnny Walker when your back is turned.

Steve Niles has a pretty solid portfolio of work, so much so, in fact, that it’s hard to pin him down to one series or story for too long. I think that’s partly the reason for the haphazard publishing schedule of FUSED, but Rod’s read all the trades, and he has just a few complaints, mostly about the ever-changing art. While reading this review, I couldn’t help but be sidetracked into a robot power-trip daydream. Just for once, I’d like to say “I don’t know my own strength!” and mean it.

TUESDAY >> 9.5.06
Not that I’d ever say anything like this to his face, but Bruce Grossman totally missed the boat last week in his BULLETS, BROADS, BLACKMAIL & BOMBS. He rounded up a trio of spy books (making this a roundup of a roundup – very meta, n’est ce pas?) including THE DESTROYER #48, a sexy Ted Mark adventure and the I-can’t-think-of-a-title-for-this-book classic THE SPY WHO HATED LICORICE, but Lancelot Link novelizations are conspicuously absent. What a sham.

Mark Rose awoke from his post-holiday stupor in time to write up a review of FARTHING, the first of two books we reviewed last week with swastikas on their covers. This is an alternate history yarn about a Nazified world and the insidious threat that intolerance poses. If that wasn’t bad enough, it’s nearly impossible to make a snarky quip about this book, making it double depressing. (I said nearly impossible, because Rod can’t look at the title without seeing it as FARTING. What is he, in first grade?)

Next up was Brad Meltzer’s THE BOOK OF FATE, which Rod branded more educational than exciting. If you’re keeping score at home, that’s Puzzle Lady: 1, Brad Meltzer: 0. We’re nobody’s puppets.

WEDNESDAY >> 9.6.06
I like it when books don’t lead me on with their titles (I’m looking at you, Rollins). If the book says PUZZLE LADY, there’d better be some goddamn puzzles inside; if it says THE OCCULT DETECTIVE, there’d better be at least some undead, and preferably a ton of them. And real magic, too. None of this “we thought it was magic, but it was just a clever illusion” stuff. Luckily for him, Robert Weinberg wisely avoids my wrath, filling his short story collection with all you’d expect from the title, plus an off-the-rails supercomputer.

Bruce Grossman tackled our second beswastika’d book of the week, THE ALIBI CLUB by Francine Mathews. Though lacking any sort of crossword, jumble, sudoku or gimmick other than historical accuracy and intricate characterization, Bruce Grossman took a shine to this book, although I hear our editor had to paste a pinup on the cover to get Grossman to read it. Just kidding. Please don’t stab me.

THURSDAY >> 9.7.06
Poor Whizzer. If he’d risen out of Marvel Comics’ C-list of heroes, I’m sure the name-calling and jeering would eventually have stopped, but they just keep piling it on. The latest example: Rod Lott’s look at ESSENTIAL SUPER-VILLAIN TEAM-UP: VOL.1. Uncaring about Robert Frank’s selfless sacrifices for humanity, Lott says, “With a name like that, I’m guessing his superpower is urination.” Ha. Ha. I’m sure nobody’s said that before.

Christopher Sharpe is unapologetically blunt about Ryu Murakami’s IN THE MISO SOUP, saying that Murakami’s point is obscured by a plot that plods. As with so many failed “seedy underbelly of _____” books, it seems that Murakami doesn’t understand one basic truth: Everybody knows that the crazy weird sex underworld is bad, so don’t hit me over the head with it. That is, unless you I ask you to.

FRIDAY >> 9.8.06
In the NEWSGASM: New small-press science fiction (yay!), a conspiracy Flash game, and a cool glossy horror magazine are the good news, but the bad news is that comments have been disabled due to spammers. Fortunately, Rod took the opportunity to yet again introduce “dog sex” into the equation. This brings to mind a holiday party he threw in 1996 (with a SWINGERS-themed invite), at which one of the guests bitterly remarked, “Why’d you have to put on the dog sex? I brought a nice girlie over and everything.” Oh, yeah. It was that kind of party.

Battle stations! The “100-page rule” has been invoked! LIFELESS lives up to its title!

Rod (with a name like that, I bet his superpower is fishing!) rounds out the week with QUICKGASM, made up of short, short reviews encompassing body-snatchers, crimefighters and ritual murder. Sign me up!

Enjoy the rest of the weekend, folks. Tip your waiters, and discuss it in our forums. –Ryun Patterson

*As a result, his upcoming column, THE WORLD’S DEADLIEST BOOK REVIEWS, has been cancelled.

Discuss it in our forums.