The BOOKGASM Anti-Joke Book

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Desi Arnaz.
Desi Arnaz who?
Desi Arnaz Jr.

* * *

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy some Chap-Stick. The pharmacist faints, having never seen an animal talk.

* * *

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. Which is completely wrong and they shouldn’t be doing because liquor is the devil’s drink.

* * *

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
John F. Kennedy.
John F. Kennedy who?
John F. Kennedy Jr.
Call the police! The dead have risen!

* * *

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are setting up camp for the night when all of a sudden, a rattlesnake bites the Lone Ranger in the ass. He screams for Tonto to go get help. A doctor tells Tonto he must suck out the poison. Tonto returns to the Lone Ranger, who has since died a miserable, painful death.

* * *

How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One.

* * *

Did you hear the one about the blonde who mistook her curling iron for the phone?
She was very badly burned and will probably have a scar for the rest of her life. It’s really kind of sad, as she is such a nice, pretty girl.

* * *

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
An inspiration to us all.

* * *

How do you recognize the bride at a Polish wedding?
She will be wearing a white wedding dress, and possibly holding some flowers.

* * *

A guy was golfing one day and ran across an unusual lamp on the green. When he picked it up and rubbed it, a genie popped out and told the man he would grant him three wishes. The man wished for world peace, an end to starvation and the annihilation of poverty.

* * *

What’s black and white and red all over?
André Masson’s surrealist painting Panique (circa 1920).

* * *

A man visits a psychiatrist, complaining of strange dreams. “Doctor, I just can’t understand it – one night I dream that I’m a wigwam, another night I dream I’m a teepee.” The doctor nods his head and replies, “That’s easy. You have a strong interest in Native American culture.”

* * *

Did you hear the one about the Pope, the President and Satan on a crashing airplane?
Yes.

—Rod Lott

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25 Comments »

Comment by Allan
2008-09-16 09:47:43

This reminds me a lot of Norm MacDonald’s set at the recent Comedy Central Bob Saget roast, where by badly telling lame groaners that would have seemed archaic back in the Dean Martin days he ended up being the funniest comic of the night.

I always wonder when I read something like this how many people are like me, laughing far harder than they ever have over any of the original versions of these “classics” (seriously, numbers 7 and 8 had me shaking), and how many are confused because all of the punchlines seem to have been taken away.

 
Comment by RP
2008-09-16 10:10:13

How many Republicans do you need to stop a rampaging rhinocerous?

Political affiliation has less to do with it than whether or not you have a high-powered rifle.

Comment by Tak
2008-10-09 07:29:49

Although political affiliation may have a bearing on whether you happen to have a high-powered rifle on your person at any given time …

Comment by RP
2008-10-09 14:33:46

On the Darwinian plains of the Savannah, whether or not you have a high-powered rifle is more often a function of intelligence than your interpretation of the second amendment.

 
 
 
Comment by Tak
2008-10-09 07:31:22

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The guy behind them ducks.

 
Comment by Blah
2008-10-09 07:43:50

So a man walks into a bar. Says “Ouch”. He’s fine now.

 
Comment by Ledge
2008-10-09 07:44:44

What’s worse than finding a worm in an apple?
The Holocaust.

Comment by amber
2008-10-09 12:31:34

i actually cried

 
 
Comment by Joeyjoejoe
2008-10-09 07:57:18

What’s the difference between OJ Simpson and Elton John?
OJ Simpson DRIVES a white Bronco, and Elton John is gay.

 
Comment by Paul Kupperberg
2008-10-09 11:52:42

Two Jews walk into a bar. You would have thought ONE of them would have seen it!

 
Comment by Paul Kupperberg
2008-10-09 11:53:06

Two Irishman walk OUT of a bar. Hey, it could happen.

 
Comment by Hadoken37
2008-10-09 11:55:02

How do you drown a blonde?
Immerse her in water until expiration.

 
Comment by amber
2008-10-09 12:32:36

What do you call a black pilot?
A pilot, you racist.

 
Comment by Nhoji
2008-10-09 13:16:34

A Priest, The Pope, and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
Bartender looks at them and goes…

“What is this? some kind of joke?”

 
Comment by Laurel
2008-10-09 13:48:16

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

 
Comment by RP
2008-10-09 14:35:15

What’s red, white, and green all over?
The flags of Italy and Mexico.

 
Comment by Gk1
2008-10-09 14:50:26

Why does Donald Duck wear a little sailor suit?

Because he’s a cunt.

Comment by JD
2008-10-10 02:05:21

Brilliant!

 
 
Comment by Thomas
2008-10-09 15:35:49

A baby seal walks into a club.

 
Comment by AW
2008-10-09 16:13:11

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

 
Comment by Mark Johnston
2008-10-09 18:24:35

A city man’s car breaks down far into the countryside. He spots a farmhouse nearby, so he decides to go there and see if he can find help.

When he knocks on the door, a gorgeous, young woman in tiny shorts and a bikini top answers. The man is taken aback by her beauty. He mentions that he is stranded and his car is out by the road. Just then, an older man, who is apparently the girl’s father shows up at the door. The man explains his current situation, but can’t stop staring at the beautiful girl.

The farmer tells the man to wait in the living room where the beautiful girl joins him. The girl stands up and heads upstairs as the man leeringy stares. She smiles back at him.

Just then the farmer walks back in and tells the man that a towing service has been called. This snaps the man back from his fanciful thoughts, and he realizes he’s being silly, as the girl is much younger than him, and besides, he’s married with kids.

The beautiful daughter is upstairs reading a book of Keats writings. The man then meets the tow truck at the road, and safely makes it home, albiet a little later than planned.

 
Comment by Wally
2008-10-09 22:45:54

I once met a girl from Venus,
good looking gal, i would like to meet her again.

 
Comment by steve
2008-10-10 00:05:14

A man walks into a bar. His alcoholism is ruining his life.

 
Comment by RP
2008-10-10 09:50:14

One day in class, little Joey was asked to locate China on the classroom globe.
He pointed to Liberia, and his teacher, Mrs. Mulcahy, cried herself to sleep that night over her failure to teach Joey basic geography.

 
Comment by Josh Taylor
2008-11-13 09:09:34

Why did Helen Kellers dog run away?
- because she was an abusive drunk

 
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