Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Desi Arnaz.
Desi Arnaz who?
Desi Arnaz Jr.
* * *
A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy some Chap-Stick. The pharmacist faints, having never seen an animal talk.
* * *
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. Which is completely wrong and they shouldn’t be doing because liquor is the devil’s drink.
* * *
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
John F. Kennedy.
John F. Kennedy who?
John F. Kennedy Jr.
Call the police! The dead have risen!
* * *
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are setting up camp for the night when all of a sudden, a rattlesnake bites the Lone Ranger in the ass. He screams for Tonto to go get help. A doctor tells Tonto he must suck out the poison. Tonto returns to the Lone Ranger, who has since died a miserable, painful death.
* * *
How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One.
* * *
Did you hear the one about the blonde who mistook her curling iron for the phone?
She was very badly burned and will probably have a scar for the rest of her life. It’s really kind of sad, as she is such a nice, pretty girl.
* * *
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
An inspiration to us all.
* * *
How do you recognize the bride at a Polish wedding?
She will be wearing a white wedding dress, and possibly holding some flowers.
* * *
A guy was golfing one day and ran across an unusual lamp on the green. When he picked it up and rubbed it, a genie popped out and told the man he would grant him three wishes. The man wished for world peace, an end to starvation and the annihilation of poverty.
* * *
What’s black and white and red all over?
André Masson’s surrealist painting Panique (circa 1920).
* * *
A man visits a psychiatrist, complaining of strange dreams. “Doctor, I just can’t understand it – one night I dream that I’m a wigwam, another night I dream I’m a teepee.” The doctor nods his head and replies, “That’s easy. You have a strong interest in Native American culture.”
* * *
Did you hear the one about the Pope, the President and Satan on a crashing airplane?
Yes.
—Rod Lott
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
This reminds me a lot of Norm MacDonald’s set at the recent Comedy Central Bob Saget roast, where by badly telling lame groaners that would have seemed archaic back in the Dean Martin days he ended up being the funniest comic of the night.
I always wonder when I read something like this how many people are like me, laughing far harder than they ever have over any of the original versions of these “classics” (seriously, numbers 7 and 8 had me shaking), and how many are confused because all of the punchlines seem to have been taken away.
How many Republicans do you need to stop a rampaging rhinocerous?
Political affiliation has less to do with it than whether or not you have a high-powered rifle.
Although political affiliation may have a bearing on whether you happen to have a high-powered rifle on your person at any given time …
On the Darwinian plains of the Savannah, whether or not you have a high-powered rifle is more often a function of intelligence than your interpretation of the second amendment.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The guy behind them ducks.
So a man walks into a bar. Says “Ouch”. He’s fine now.
What’s worse than finding a worm in an apple?
The Holocaust.
i actually cried
What’s the difference between OJ Simpson and Elton John?
OJ Simpson DRIVES a white Bronco, and Elton John is gay.
Two Jews walk into a bar. You would have thought ONE of them would have seen it!
Two Irishman walk OUT of a bar. Hey, it could happen.
How do you drown a blonde?
Immerse her in water until expiration.
What do you call a black pilot?
A pilot, you racist.
A Priest, The Pope, and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
Bartender looks at them and goes…
“What is this? some kind of joke?”
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What’s red, white, and green all over?
The flags of Italy and Mexico.
Why does Donald Duck wear a little sailor suit?
Because he’s a cunt.
Brilliant!
A baby seal walks into a club.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
A city man’s car breaks down far into the countryside. He spots a farmhouse nearby, so he decides to go there and see if he can find help.
When he knocks on the door, a gorgeous, young woman in tiny shorts and a bikini top answers. The man is taken aback by her beauty. He mentions that he is stranded and his car is out by the road. Just then, an older man, who is apparently the girl’s father shows up at the door. The man explains his current situation, but can’t stop staring at the beautiful girl.
The farmer tells the man to wait in the living room where the beautiful girl joins him. The girl stands up and heads upstairs as the man leeringy stares. She smiles back at him.
Just then the farmer walks back in and tells the man that a towing service has been called. This snaps the man back from his fanciful thoughts, and he realizes he’s being silly, as the girl is much younger than him, and besides, he’s married with kids.
The beautiful daughter is upstairs reading a book of Keats writings. The man then meets the tow truck at the road, and safely makes it home, albiet a little later than planned.
I once met a girl from Venus,
good looking gal, i would like to meet her again.
A man walks into a bar. His alcoholism is ruining his life.
One day in class, little Joey was asked to locate China on the classroom globe.
He pointed to Liberia, and his teacher, Mrs. Mulcahy, cried herself to sleep that night over her failure to teach Joey basic geography.
Why did Helen Kellers dog run away?
– because she was an abusive drunk