The 9 Least Annoying People I Occasionally See at the Bookstore
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Having recently read our editor’s highly controversial list of “The 9 Most Annoying People I Always See at the Bookstore,” I couldn’t help but assume that its composition was the direct result of his chronic back pain (which, I admit, he’d probably prefer I not mention) . It’s a serious issue that can make people seriously grouchy – enough so that simply seeing others drinking coffee is enough to fuel up their internal rage machine and get them in front of that keyboard to vent.
That’s why it’s up to those of us who don’t know the terrible torment of constant agony to take up the slack and offer up the sunnier view. To that end I have composed my own list of the “The 9 Least Annoying People I Occasionally See at the Bookstore.”
TEA DRINKERS
Who doesn’t love tea? No one, that’s who! Oh, some may scoff and insist that they abhor the taste of brewed leaves, but they are liars and everything they say is not to be trusted. There’s something wonderfully reassuring about watching people dunk and bob their tea bags into boiling water that always make me feel good about the books I’m on my way to purchase. I don’t know why exactly, but it does.
JUMPERS
There’s just something so life-affirming about watching someone jump up and down with joy because the new Margaret Atwood book has finally arrived. I know it definitely puts a spring into my step.
CHRONICALLY DEPRESSED EMPLOYEES
Is there anything that makes a person feel better about themselves than being served by someone who’s clearly lost all will to live? No matter how hopeless or suicidal I may feel when I walk into my neighborhood Chapters (a Canadian chain for those of you who like to learn something new every day), I know that by the time I walk out, the sight of dozens of poor, pasty bastards whose lives are clearly much, much, much worse than my own never fails to reinvigorate my soul!
FIRST-TIME CENTERFOLDS
Don’t you love it when you’re browsing the magazine aisle for the latest editions of Maxim, Dude! and Total Douchebag Monthly, and notice that the hot chick on the cover is standing right next to you, excitedly buying every copy she can to give to her friends and family? I know I do!
AISLE PROPHETS
One can learn so much from these wild-haired, seemingly insane homeless men who wander the aisles, shouting about the dangers of fluoride and the upcoming return of Michael Landon that shall serve as the first sign of the apocalypse. Often hearing one of their rants will inspire me to pick up a book on the very subject they are ranting about, so I can learn even more about it. Did you know that Michael Landon was Jewish? He was!
COUCH FILLERS
Like a lot of book readers, I’m a fat, lazy bastard, which means I often try to sit as much as I possibly can. That’s why those couches found in bookstores present such a great temptation and why I’m grateful when they are filled by kind souls who have decided to sacrifice their own health so I can stay on my feet and get some exercise. Couch fillers? More like Couch angels!
STUDLY GROUPS
Whenever I see a collection of handsome men discussing the latest releases in the “gay literature” section, it makes me feel good to know how far our once-intolerant society has come.
FRUIT-SCENTED-SHAMPOO CHECKOUT GIRL
You smell like strawberries! I could buy books from you all day!
OL’ MILFINTIGHTPANTS
Is that a book on proper oral technique you’re flipping through? I see the recent divorce has made you focus on your wild side! –Allan Mott
You don’t need chronic back pain in order to see that a bookstore and coffee shop are a strange mix, or to feel the rage one naturally should when seeing the two in one place.
You see, it’s not the actual coffee drinkers that sparks this rage. We’re not mad at the people themselves. It’s the bizarre combination of the two worlds of books and coffee. What do they have to do with each other? Nothing. Who’s the moron who first thought they should go together? And who are the idiots who go into a bookstore looking for coffee?
Now that I think about it, maybe it IS the people themselves.
Why is it that I space between paragraphs, but they don’t show up when the post is posted.
This is one of nine complaints I have about Bookgasm.com.
You should make book humor a regular thing on the site.
They should allow some html formating so you can place between paragraphs
I enjoy watching the continuously dozing off while sitting in a chair at a table reading a book guy. His head keeps bobbing as he samples a book. Almost makes you want to buy the book for him so he’ll go home and fall asleep to it.
The chronically depressed employees are that way thanks to the 9 most annoying people in bookstores! And, having been one, I can safely say these are the few employees in the bookstore who actually read the books that they sell : ) they’re the smart ones who realize that their college degree (or advanced degree) is doing absolutely nothing for them and the idea that it would be cool to work in a bookstore until they get a real job because they love books has turned out to be the most upsetting part of it all – there is no real job waiting.
Hooray for inadvertent schadenfreude.
I assure you, I am always very deliberate when I take malicious enjoyment in another person’s misfortune.