For the second installment of BOOKGASM’s “WTF Q&A,” in which we hurl at an author random questions having nothing to do with his/her book, we recruited Mark Rayner. He’s the author of MARVELLOUS HAIRY, which purports to be a slapstick comedy about a surrealistic artist with an addiction to Freudian mythology and guilt-free sex who turns into a monkey. Yes, a monkey.
BOOKGASM: OMG, I found $4! I can go antiquing! What should I buy?
RAYNER: That’s incredibly good luck. I just heard about an ancient reliquary holding the mummified naughty bits of St. Piltwacker, the Poxy’s helper monkey. Or, $4 just happens to cover the costs of the eBook edition of MARVELLOUS HAIRY.
BOOKGASM: What is the best recipe out there using Velveeta as an ingredient? But it can’t also use RO*TEL, so don’t even try.
RAYNER: I would never rely on RO*TEL. What a crutch! Here is a very tasty recipe for my popular Mark’s Meat Lasagna — sorry I don’t have a vegetarian version yet — and it employs Velveeta:
Ingredients:
• 1 lb. ground beef
• one spicy Italian sausage, uncooked, though well-masticated and spit into mixing bowl
• 12 tomatoes, mashed into sausage/beef mixture
• 1 pint motor oil (I prefer Pennzoil, though any single-grade viscosity will work, just for God’s sake, don’t get synthetic!)
• 12 lasagna noodles, lightly spanked
• 1 plasma grenade (pin in)
• “lashings” of Velveeta
BOOKGASM: Calculate the mole fraction of water in a mixture consisting of 9 grams of water, 120 grams of acetic acid and 115 grams of ethyl alcohol. Come on, tough guy, do it.
RAYNER: I’ve consulted my pet mole, Thaddeus, and he says that he believes this to be a trick question. Actually, he’s been quite worried about this growth on his face, and getting him to concentrate was difficult. Not to mention that he doesn’t have a calculator, a periodic table or opposable thumbs.
Nevertheless, he believes the answer to be 0.099, though he says you’ll need waaaaay more chocolate and chili pepper to make that sauce palatable. Some Pennzoil might help, too.
BOOKGASM: Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends?
RAYNER: Perhaps you’ve had my lasagna?
BOOKGASM: In NIGHTS IN RODANTHE, some scenes take place in the beach. What is the significance of the beach? How does it relate to the novel’s theme? There is also a storm. What is the significance of the storm? How does it relate to the novel’s theme?
RAYNER: I haven’t read the book for some time, but if I remember correctly, the beach represent the sacrifices that Paul and Adrienne make for their children, while the storm represents the brutality of the external world, as it crashes all around them in the guise of bloodthirsty, flesh-eating Vikings and hordes of cybertronic entities armed with flechette weapons and an insatiable hunger for human ennui. —Rod Lott
