I’ve rounded up another set of Westerns for you this time out, but I wish the outcome could’ve been better. I had high hopes for all three, but to be honest, two of them are just stink city. So saddle up and try to avoid those huge cow patties in the trail.

GUN TALK AT YUMA by Frank Castle – I hate starting off a column with a big dud, but I review in the order I read. Let’s first look at the best quality of the 1957 book: the cover. It just screams “buy me and take me home.” But the story inside is one of the lamest and most predictable Westerns I’ve ever read, with the outlaw Morgan Bright making a living in Mexico hiding from the law, until he gets called back to the U.S. by a man called Latigo, who wields some weird control over him.

Latigo wants Morgan to break a girl named Belle out of a Yuma prison. (I’ve read plenty of Westerns, and it seems every other day, someone is either breaking out of or going to Yuma prison.) Morgan broke out of Yuma a year before and the guards are still mad about it, so even when he gets a chance to kill the guard with a vendetta early on, he does nothing. (Can you say foreshadowing to what will happen later?)

Belle seems to know the whereabouts of some hidden gold, which Latigo wants. What do you think happens? If you ever watched GUNSMOKE, you can figure it out. GUN TALK is so by-the-numbers, it stinks.

LONGARM #48: IN THE BIG THICKET by Tabor Evans – First things first: Tabor Evans is a house author name. Second, the only reason I’m covering this 1982 book – not the type of stuff I usually pick up –  is for who the real author was: Harry Whittington.

Onto the review: Longarm is pretty much Nick Carter in the Old West. It’s as if the publishing company saw they could set up a character who never ages and has countless adventures and folks would lap it up. This story deals with Longarm first being accused of robbing a stagecoach, killing the driver and security man. Being this super-type marshal, Longarm figures out who is really behind it and kills the bad guy.

Once that’s all cleared up, Longarm goes to East Texas swamplands to find a group of killers led by a man named Blast Haggerty. Of course, Longarm meets two women along the way, both inexperienced in the way in love until he shows them. This type of stuff is just mindless Western fun. You get exactly what the cover promises: killing and sex. Actually I picked up a few other Longarms just on the strengh of the covers alone, so hopefully they deliver even more of the same.

THE MILLION DOLLAR BLOODHUNT by Joe Millard – If you’re a fan of the Sergio Leone films, don’t pick up this 1973 book. It’s just pitiful in all aspects of that series. I got suckered into to picking this up by the Eastwood-esque cover. But when I settled down to read it, I soon threw it across my apartment in anger. The book is just a kick to the balls of the fans of the films.

First, regarding that “man with no name” bullshit: He has a fucking name in all three films; he just plays a different character in each. But this book is all about cashing in on the mystique, claiming that these are further adventures of that character.

The story follows our hero on his bounty-hunting ways, tracking down the vicious escaped con named “Pachucco the bloodthirsty.” Well, you can call me “Bruce the annoyed.” It’s just a total rip-off of THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY, but without the Civil War sequences. It’s a subpar Western at best, and exactly the reason I’ll stick with Western writers I trust, be it Max Brand, Elmore Leonard, Zane Grey, Ed Gorman and even Louis L’Amour.

Next time, no passive prose here! –Bruce Grossman

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MISS EARLIER INSTALLMENTS OF ‘BULLETS, BROADS, BLACKMAIL & BOMBS’? REGASM THESE:
• #25: Lee Marvin’s Bookshelf
• #24: Good Evening
• #23: Alphabet Soup
• #22: For Queen and Country
• #21: Red Spies at Night

OTHER BOOKGASM REVIEWS OF THESE AUTHORS:
• THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E #2: THE DOOMSDAY AFFAIR by Harry Whittington
• A NIGHT FOR SCREAMING / ANY WOMAN HE WANTED by Harry Whittington