How does he do it? It’s a question any reasonable person would ask. How can one man — even one as extraordinary as our Mr. Rod Lott — find the time to work a full-time job as the managing editor of Oklahoma City’s finest alternative weekly, raise a family, edit a popular blog and actually read all of the books and movies he reviews in the course of a single week?
One possible explanation is that he can’t and that no one single person could. The proponents of this theory would argue that sometime in the past, Rod Lott agreed to have himself cloned à la Michael Keaton in Harold Ramis’ MULTIPLICITY or created a series of realistic robot dopplegangers à la Doctor Victor Von Doom in the Marvel Comics universe.
This seems far-fetched.
The much more likely answer is that in order to satisfy all of his obligations, our subject has elected to sacrifice such normal human requirements as sleep and personal free time. And for his sacrifice, all he gets in return is the admiration of his peers, the love of his wife and children, and the knowledge that out there amongst the vast series of tubes that is the Internet, there is a small cult of people who worship him like a minor deity.
Oh, and a buttload of free books in the mail each week.
As a way for all of us to better understand just how our favorite book blog editor makes the magic happen, I have decided to put together a minute-by-minute breakdown of one of his normal days. With it, I hope all of us who stand in amazement of his achievements might find a way to follow in his incredible footsteps.
(Author’s note: Any resemblance to reality is purely accidental.)
4:35 a.m.: The alarm clock rings and Rod leaps out of bed, ready to begin a brand new day.
4:36 a.m.: Rod urinates and reads a chapter from a book that asks the question, “What would happen if werewolves operated a popular fast-food franchise outlet in Muncie, Ind.?” The answer: exciting things involving processed chicken nuggets.
4:37 a.m.: Rod steps into the shower and reads a chapter from a trade paperback comic book collection featuring the best zombie gorilla stories from last year.
4:45 a.m.: Rod brushes and flosses and returns to the werewolf book.
4:50 a.m.: Rod gets dressed while writing a review about one of the books he read the day before. It was about a serial killer who preys on hobos. Rod dismisses it as facile and unrealistic.
4:55 a.m.: Rod gets in his car and starts driving towards the nearby railroad station. As he drives, he continues reading the collection of zombie gorilla stories.
5:24 a.m.: Rod arrives at the station and makes his way to where the boxcars are loaded, careful to avoid being seen. There he finds an old drunken hobo attempting to catch 40 winks in a boxcar loaded with boxes of canned tuna. As a means to acquiring the adrenaline he requires to get through the rest of the day, Rod kills the hobo with his bare hands.
6 a.m.: Rod returns home, invigorated from that morning’s kill. During the drive back, he finished the book about werewolves.
6:02 a.m.: Rod starts cooking breakfast for his family — waffles, bacon, eggs and toast. As he cooks, he also finds time to Twitter the enigmatic message, “His screams still reverberate in the deepest regions of my manhood.”
6:05 a.m.: The smell of the cooking bacon has awakened Mrs. Lott. She greets him in the kitchen and they share a PG-rated intimacy.
6:10 a.m.: Rod wakes up his sleeping children. The smiles that appear on their faces as they see him standing over them causes him to shed a single manly tear.
6:25 a.m.: After helping his kids get dressed and fed, Rod takes the time to write a review for another book he read the day before. It was about an alien disguised as a popular TV talk show host who uses his special powers to score dates with hot models way out of his league. Rod suggests it’s one of the finest novels he’s read that year.
6:35 a.m.: Rod is back on the road on his way to the office. As he drives, he begins reading a book about spies who have their brains swapped with genetically altered houseflies.
6:53 a.m.: Along the way, Rod is stopped by a police officer who suggests that it isn’t safe for a person to read a book and drive a car at the same time. “There is nothing wrong with what I am doing,” Rod tells him. “There is nothing wrong with what you are doing,” repeats the officer as if his thoughts were no longer his own. “I can go now,” Rod continues. “You can go now,” the officer agrees.
7:25 a.m.: Rod finishes the book just as he turns into the parking garage underneath the building where he works.
7:28 a.m.: Rod stops at the small convenience store across the street from work. There he buys six cans of his favorite energy drink, a lottery ticket and a case of Slim Jims, which will be just enough to get him through to lunch.
7:36 a.m.: Rod steps into his office (which is actually a cubicle outlined with duct tape à la Les Nessman), chugs his first energy drink and sits down in front of his computer and starts reading his e-mails. Among them is one from that Canadian asshole who refuses to leave him alone. In his typically irritating message, he asks what Rod thinks about him doing a satiric piece on Rod himself. Rod replies in the curtest way possible, making it clear that it is not okay and that he has absolutely no sense of humor when it comes to himself.
8:05 a.m.: Slamming into a Slim Jim, Rod starts entering all of the reviews he and other BOOKGASM reviewers have written in the past 24 hours. They are all scheduled to be published in the upcoming week.
9 a.m.: After downing his third energy drink, Rod puts a DVD into the small portable player at his desk and starts watching the third disk from the fourth season collection of KATE & ALLIE, which he has to review for that week’s issue. While enjoying the adventures of those two brave single moms, he also reads a nonfiction book about midgets who have been mauled by wild animals.
9:55 a.m.: Rod pauses the DVD to settle a mini-crisis that develops when a freelancer announces he isn’t going to get his promised article in on time. He does this by explaining to the writer in painful detail exactly what will happen to his beloved pet dog if the promised work isn’t in his e-mail inbox by 4 p.m. that day.
10:32 a.m.: Having finished the book about the terrible battle between nature and little people, Rod starts reading one about lesbian vampires who start a midnight softball league in Maine.
11:25 a.m.: Rod finishes the DVD and the book, and writes reviews for both. He finishes his last energy drink and Slim Jim. and decides to take an early lunch.
11:45 a.m.: As he walks to his favorite lunch spot, he notices a bright red bloodstain at the hem of his pants, and is embarrassed to realize it’s been there since he killed that hobo.
11:50 a.m.: Rod sits down at his usual table and orders his usual lunch. By now, the waitress knows that he is very serious about his request for no mayonnaise and has the scars to prove it. As he waits for his food, he starts reading a book about a poltergeist who has an affair with a beautiful young kleptomaniac.
12:23 p.m.: Rod has finished the book and his lunch. About to leave for the office, he remembers that he has a doctor’s appointment that afternoon.
12:31 p.m.: Rod stops at a convenience store to pick up a six pack of Jolt Cola and every packet of pork rinds they have in stock. He starts eating the rinds right there in the store, each mouthful making him nauseous in that wonderful greasy way only deep-fried pork fat can.
12:56 p.m.: Rod drives to his doctor’s office, while watching the newly released DVD version of SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE on his portable player. It’s even better than he remembered it and he wishes he were still publishing HITCH regularly so he could devote a whole issue to the neglected films of Dudley Moore.
1:45 p.m.: The doctor informs Rod that his back troubles are the result of his “insane levels of manliness” and advises that he take the time to relax and enjoy some more feminine pursuits, such as needlepoint and engaging in pleasant chit-chat with strangers. Rod says nothing, but in his head he adds the doctor to his ever-growing “list.”
2:15 p.m.: Rod rushes over to the nearby multiplex to catch a preview screening of the latest Jennifer Aniston movie. He finishes the last of his Jolt’s just before entering the theater.
3:56 p.m.: Rod is asked to leave the theater by a frightened-looking teenaged manager. Apparently his screams of pure animal rage are disturbing the rest of the audience. The manager is added to his “list.”
4:34 p.m.: Rod is back at the office and glad to see that the freelancer (wisely) took his threat seriously and delivered his article on time. He writes reviews for SANTA CLAUS, the Jennifer Aniston movie and the book about the violent ghost who has hot sex with the compulsive thief.
5 p.m.: He leaves the office and starts driving home. About halfway there, he blacks out and loses consciousness.
5:47 p.m.: Rod wakes up on the side of the freeway naked and sobbing as cars drive past him. He gets dressed and gets back into his car.
6 p.m.: He arrives at home where he is greeted by his lovely wife and beautiful children. He plays with his kids and shares another PG-rated intimacy with his lady.
6:30 p.m.: The family sits down for dinner. Rod enthralls them with invented stories about his day.
7 p.m.: Rod helps his wife clean up the dishes. She asks him about the red stain on his pants. It takes everything he has not to add her to his “list.”
7:15 p.m.: Rod sits down in front of the TV with a glass of Scope mouthwash (his alcoholic beverage of choice) and starts watching the complete series DVD set of MANIMAL, which he has no plans to review, but is merely watching for pleasure.
3:21 a.m.: Rod staggers from the couch to his bed, where his wife is fast asleep. He falls in beside her and closes his eyes. As he lays there, he dreams that the numbers from the lottery ticket he bought that morning are the same ones that appear in tomorrow’s paper and in that instant, he becomes a millionaire. It is a beautiful thought cut short by the inevitable.
4:35 a.m.: It all begins again. —Allan Mott
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
That’s hilarious. Nice job, Allan.
Allan, I am disappointed that you ommited all mention of Rod’s frequent trips to the bathroom, where he thinks of me. He’s admitted in public many times that I am his favorite, and most inspirational freelancer, both for the newspaper on which he works as well as for bookgasm. “Yes,” I’ve heard him say while chugging his third bottle of Scope, “he [meaning me] taught me everything I know about life, women, and investing my life savings with Bernard Madoff. Not about literature, of course. Doug’s a book reviewer so I wouldn’t expect that he’d know anything about literature.”
Please accept this minor criticism in the spirit it was intended–and make the corrections in any future edition.
dgb
Actually Doug, according to my painstaking research and observation Rod only goes into bathrooms outside of his own home when the natural conversation turns towards Julie Andrews’ nude scene in Blake Edwards’ S.O.B., otherwise he prefers to relieve himself (in all senses that the phrase suggests) in dark corners, back alleys and attic crawl spaces.
Tell Rod to get some sleep.
And to stop killing hobos. They have germs.
YOU tell him. See where that gets ya….
Okay, so I exaggerated a little. That’s why I’m known as “the Bill Richardson of pulp reviewers.”
I read this hoping to get some insight into Rod that would explain the whole “Charo’s boobs” mystery.
But no.
So pleased to know my existence is fodder for your amusement. I’m adding all of you to my “list.”
R: The secret origin of Bookgasm’s attraction for Charo “fans” lies here: http://www.bookgasm.com/features/friday-afternoon-regasm-63006/ . It was a shameless attempt at pervo search engine optimization, and as such, it worked like a charm.
Finding free time to read is remarkably easy. It’s the people who can’t find time to read at all that worry me.