18 Endings for Your Next Cat Mystery

1. The uncooperative chauffeur thought Knobs was just rubbing his fur on the man’s legs, but in actuality, he was dusting his fine-pressed trousers for gunshot residue.

2. As the tennis pro proclaimed his innocence with an arrogant cry of, “No jury in the country will convict me without that weapon,” Scoots was busy digging something up from his litter box. There, among the freshly rolled turds, was a Luger P08 pistol! With seven bullets left in the cartridge!

3. “Well, well,” sniffed Rog, the male hairdresser, as the police took him away in handcuffs and Tinkles jumped atop the patrol car, “looks like pussy was my downfall after all!”

4. Key by deliberate key, Miss Triscuit Britches pawed out a message on the typewriter. She mewed to signal she was through — cats cannot remove paper from the machine, after all — I glanced over her spotted shoulders to see what she had typed: “THE BUTLER’S DOG DID IT,” it read. Caps lock or no, our killer was now crystal-clear.

5. Mittens was cold and wet, but the deed was done. The catnip was his and it was going to stay that way.

6. Each of Crazy Old McGillicuddy’s 34 cats wanted her dead and decided to share the guilt equally, each taking a turn swiping at her throat.

7. June saw that the last two of the ceramic canine figures was shattered. It was her turn! She ran toward the hall and screamed as she saw the lifeless corpse of Princess Fluffball hanging from the ceiling. “I won’t die like that!” she screamed out to the unknown killer. “I’ll kill myself first!” With that, she pulled out the gun she had hidden in her purse and lifted it up to her temple. “See! You didn’t get me!” she shouted triumphantly just before she pulled the trigger. The gunshot echoed throughout the mansion. Her body fell to the floor and all was silence. She had failed to notice the satisfied smile on Princess Fluffball’s face.

8. “Puuurrrrrrrrrr,” the beautiful, black cat cooed as she rubbed herself against Sam’s legs. “You can stop that,” he picked her up coldly and held her at arm’s length. “I know it was you, Rhubarb. You killed Diego and Manfredi because they were on to you. They knew you were the one who ruined the couch and you silenced them before they could tell. You’re a beautiful cat, but that don’t mean you ain’t gonna fry. I’ll see to that!”

9. Detective Patterson looked around his office and his heart stopped. He could see the details in Meowy Kint’s entire story right there all around him. There was Mr. Mouse, Cheezy Sandich, Chair Chairington and Coffee Cupperson. Meowy had made it all up and he had let him go!

10. Pepsi spent hours trying to lick the blood off his paws, but nothing he did could make them feel clean. Nothing would ever make them feel clean.

11. “But you couldn’t let it go, could you, Buttons? The thought of them buying a dog was the last straw! Not after all of the sacrifices you had made. Not after all you had done for them. So you snapped! Just admit it! Just admit that you murdered them all! They had it coming!” Cried Buttons, “MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!”

12. “Forget it, Whiskers. It’s Chinatown.”

13. Peter threw open the door and ran to his goldfish bowl. He fell to his knees when he saw it contained nothing but water and a little plastic castle. He was too late. “Goldy!” he screamed as he pounded the floor, causing a small, white notecard to fall off the table in front of him. He picked it up and read it. There, written in fish guts was just one word. “Purr,” it read.

14. “You fooled ‘em, all right! Made ‘em think you were one of them swank, high-society kitties, but Leroy learned the truth. You were nothing but another dirty pussy from the back alley and you couldn’t go back to that life. Not after tasting the big time. So you killed him and I suppose you think you’re going to kill me, too.”

15. “What’s that, Mr. Tickles? You saw the butler do it?”

16. All the authorities had to do to find the blood-specked candelabra was follow the trail of coughed-up hair balls, directing them to peer behind the curtain in the corner, next to the Steinway piano. “By gum, Buster! You did it! I’ll see to it your next can of tuna is on Scotland Yard!”

17. With claws bared, Tiddly-Pops lunged toward the murderer, tearing at his member as if were a scratching post filled with primo catnip. Needless to say, the killer dropped his weapon and Tiddly-Pops earned that can of sardines.

18. “You shoulda seen Sparkles go, Cap’n! This city ain’t never seen a hostage situation defused by spraying urine in the no-good crook’s eyes, but somethin’ tells me it ain’t the last!” —Rod Lott and Allan Mott

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1 Comment »

Comment by Pete
2011-10-14 12:55:44

Nobody missed the strays. Little Miss Kittie Fingers provided the local China Buffett with endless cat meat from that day forward. Little Miss Kittie Fingers the cannibal…..who’d of thunk it.

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