Two things become readily apparent reading EVERY SIGH, THE END: 1) I’m not the only person in the world who thought that LESS THAN ZERO was actually the scariest zombie book ever written, and 2) author Jason S. Hornsby boldly takes on the undead genre with a challenge I haven’t read before. EVERY SIGH, THE END — yes, another novel about zombies — is hip, referential and daring.

The plot requires a bit of explaining — maybe a couple of flow charts, possibly even fractions. I suck at math, so I’ll try and sum it up the best I can: New Year’s Eve, 1999. Professional layabout Ross Orringer is complaining about his life and jaded affair with his girlfriend’s best friend. Ross and his asshole buddy Preston, when they aren’t getting stoned, dub those hard-to-find classics you saw in the back of old-school FANGORIA. It’s not much of an existence, but it beats being dead.
 
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Had she thought of it, your mother would’ve told you, “Never get involved with a woman who dances with snakes at a carnival.” And from what the protagonist of Ray Garton’s outrageous road-trip novella SERPENT GIRL goes through, your mother would’ve been right. As in, dead-on.

Steven Benedetti is just passing through a California mountain town when he decides to stop at a two-bit carnival, where he’s entranced — or at least his nether regions are — by Carmen, the titular (in every sense of the word) woman whose act consists of writhing about suggestively as reptiles encircle her voluptuous body. Afterward, Benedetti witnesses Carmen in an argument with her boss, sticks up for her and offers to give her a ride (eventually in every sense of the word).

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Here’s what a lot of horror novelists do, even the good ones: They start off with a unique variation on a standard theme and then, in an effort to stretch the material to novel length, they pile on so much extra spookshow cliché hoo-hah that a terrific short story or decent novella becomes a downright silly book. Even Bentley Little, one of the best of the post-Stephen King generation writers, can fall into the trap.

But what makes Little so different from his colleagues — and one of the top four or five horror novelists working today — is the fact that just about the time you start to think that his story is sliding off the rails, he tosses in something spookier than what has gone before and it ain’t so silly anymore. That goes for THE VANISHING.

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Because time isn’t always kind: economic reviews in a world full of waste!

When I was in junior high school back in the mid-’80s, lots of fellow students read the fantasy novels of Terry Brooks, starting with THE SWORD OF SHANNARA. If I were there today, I suspect those same kids would instead have a copy of the new DARK WRAITH OF SHANNARA in their hands – Brooks’ first graphic novel, adapted by Robert Place Napton with art by Edwin David. Set after the events of WISHSONG OF SHANNARA, it follows Jair Ohmsford, the boy whose notes can turn him invisible; an ancient text of evil; and a witch behind it all. There’s plenty of swords, sorcery, clawed creatures and the usual fantasy tropes – imaginative in story and well-done in shades and tones, although probably better served if it were in color. As a newcomer to the SHANNARA world, I was more pleased to see the “making of” features in the back that demonstrated how the book came to be, and who contributed what.

Not long after a Planned Parenthood clinic is bombed, one of its teen clients is found dead in a Dumpster, in L.J. Sellers’ politically charged mystery THE SEX CLUB. Investigating separately are Oregon homicide detective Det. Wade Jackson and understandably shaken youth outreach clinic nurse Kera Kollmorgan. It’s the latter’s discoveries that drive this procedural. Her findings? These kids of today like to get freaky! (Hey, it’s right there in the title.) The prurient nature of the plot makes this CLUB worth a trial membership; it may not break new ground, but is brave in its telling. Clearly Sellers has an agenda here, so if it doesn’t match yours, don’t even start. If it does, you’ll rally behind it.

Military science fiction remains elusive to my tastes. I get caught and confused by all the lingo, nicknames, abbreviations, rank and descriptions of weapons. I had higher hopes for ORPHAN’S JOURNEY by Robert Buettner, based on its appealing cover and its Orbit Books parentage, but registered as another SNAFU with me. Its star is Jason Wander; on the plus side, the futuristic hero fights giant slugs and sea monsters, but over in the minus column, I got lost not long after that. Part of the problem may be that this is the third of a sci-fi series, so Wander’s world may seem like shorthand to fresh enlistees. With so many adventures under Buettner’s belt, I’m sure the ORPHAN series has its loyal soldiers, but I’ll have to respectfully go AWOL.

Not quite an episode guide, tie-in novel or encyclopedia, THE SUPERNATURAL BOOK OF MONSTERS, SPIRITS, DEMONS, AND GHOULS is designed to be a narrative from the himbo-brother duo of The CW’s X-FILES-esque shriek series SUPERNATURAL, only it’s written by Alex Irvine. He apes their smart-aleck tone well as they dish facts and folklore on zombies, poltergeists and creatures of urban legends, most of whom have merited considerable face time on their own episodes. If monsters are your thing, this book is actually fun and can stand alone from the show, so no advance knowledge is needed. With cool illustrations from Dan Panosian, the BOOK is well-designed (save for an ugly font used for journal excerpts) and offers stories within stories. It even made me want to watch the show, which had to be the intent all along. –Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

THE HOWLING becomes THE MOANING in Ray Garton’s werewolf novel RAVENOUS. See, the werewolf curse is not propagated via bites, but – there’s no delicate way to put this – via sex. Hey, at least that’s an angle I’ve never read before.

The first victim is Emily Crane, an overweight wife and mom whose car breaks down on the way home from a weight-loss support group, and is raped in the forest by a werewolf. She doesn’t know it’s a werewolf, but it eventually gets figured out, after she becomes incredibly horny and hungry for raw meat.

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Was high school geometry a nightmare for you? Just wait until you see the horrors that triangles wreak in INFECTED, Scott Sigler’s heavily hyped hardcover debut.

Both the CIA and CDC take notice – and then action – when a string of unusual killings occur: Otherwise normal people make phone calls to complain about “the triangles,” then hack up their entire family before doing themselves in, too. One guy even cuts off his own legs with a hatchet just at the knee before turning himself flammable, just to make sure he doesn’t go anywhere else.

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It’s not for nothing Richard Matheson’s 1954 novel I AM LEGEND has now made it to the big screen three times: 1964’s THE LAST MAN ON EARTH, starring Vincent Price; 1971’s THE OMEGA MAN, starring Charlton Heston; and now last year’s I AM LEGEND, starring Will Smith. The only one to retain the title, it’s this latest and greatest version that seems most faithful to the spirit of its source.

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Richard Matheson’s BUTTON, BUTTON: UNCANNY STORIES may only exist because the title story soon will be a movie titled THE BOX – starring Cameron Diaz and James Marsden – but that’s okay. Any excuse for a Matheson release is a good one.

You’d best revisit 1970’s “Button, Button” beforehand, anyway. Its premise is classic: If a box appeared that would give you money for pushing its button, yet take away the life of a stranger, would you be tempted? It’s a chilling idea – one well-executed by the author, even if the last line merits a ba-dum-dum to drive home what is essentially a joke.

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David Jack Bell’s THE CONDEMNED is not to be confused with the WWE novelization of the Stone Cold Steve Austin movie that I loved and everyone else hated. So if you’re expecting wrestlers duking it out on an island for the Internet-viewing public, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

However, if you’re craving post-apocalyptic, slice-of-life zombie insanity of the Richard Matheson variety, then this is the right place, and Bell’s THE CONDEMNED rings true just for you. Sorry, SMACKDOWN fans.

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Sometimes I wonder where else horror can go, get depressed, and think the genre is tapped. Then something comes down the pipe that gives me hope and spins everything around. The book in question is Brian Keene’s DARK HOLLOW.

The cover blurb promises he’s the new Stephen King, but since King isn’t dead, I’ll withhold judgment. 

But I can promise that DARK HOLLOW provides not only an interesting new form of evil, but a shocker of an ending, and maybe the greatest opening line I’ve read this year: ”It was on the first day of spring that Big Steve and I saw Shelly Carpenter giving head to the hairy man.” 

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Truth in advertising: THE NEW WEIRD, edited by Ann and Jeff VanderMeer. Believe me, when they say it’s weird, they mean it.

This so-called “New Weird” subgenre is an extension of ye old “weird tale,” but with a higher literary level and a heavy hand of the grotesque and grueling. And least that’s what I gathered from Mr. VanderMeer’s intro.

Personally, I view New Weird like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart did hardcore pornography: “I know it when I see it.” And I see it all over the pages of this unique, twisted, unpredictable and oddly rewarding anthology.

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Mike Mignola’s HELLBOY is one of the great comic book/graphic novel creations of the past two decades. Christopher Golden has written several exceptionally fine novels in the HELLBOY world and he’s now joined by Tom Piccirilli, whose HELLBOY: EMERALD HELL is a delightfully dark take on the mystical and mythical South of Manly Wade Wellman and Robert E. Howard.

Here’s what the publisher has to say: “Hellboy comes to the crossroads in Enigma, Georgia, a small town beset by strange occurrences. Sent to keep an eye on Sarah Nail, a young girl hiding from the curse of her family, Hellboy becomes entangled in the blood debt of evil mystical preacher, Brother Jester. Stuck between human malice and the mysteries of the occult, Hellboy comes up against an intrigue of ghosts, demon trees, talking bullfrogs, and a race of lost mutant children.”

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Like many a youth of the ’80s, my introduction to H.P. Lovecraft and most things weird was through a late-night Skinemax viewing of that unheralded classic FROM BEYOND. I beat a path to the library to find more, only to be completely disappointed. Where was the S&M? The twisted body morphing? And where was the horny and sexually depraved Barbara Crampton character?  It took me a couple of years to come back to the fold and gain my appreciation. 

Elder Signs Press’ HORRORS BEYOND 2, edited by William Jones, reminded me a lot of that early experience.  The best encapsulated description I can come up with for this anthology of stories is the use of uncanny technologies beyond the control of humanity.
 
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Who knew the works of H.P. Lovecraft would one day be so ripe for plundering by DIY filmmakers? Lurker Films has made a cottage industry out of primarily releasing compilations of these features and shorts onto DVD, and the fifth now is available in THE H.P. LOVECRAFT COLLECTION: VOLUME 5 - STRANGE AEONS: THE THING ON THE DOORSTEP.

The centerpiece of the disc is 2005’s feature-length STRANGE AEONS: THE THING ON THE DOORSTEP, based on Lovecraft’s well-known – but not always well-liked – 1937 story “The Thing on the Doorstep.” I was looking forward to seeing the adaptation, but that’s because I had it confused with “The Outsider,” for some reason.

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Because time isn’t always kind: economic reviews in a world full of waste!

One has to give points to ESSENTIAL MARVEL SAGA: VOL. 1 for at least having its heart in the right place. The book collects a dozen issues of Marvel’s mid-1980s series, which aims to tell “the official history of the Marvel Universe” in more or less chronological order, using panels and pages clipped from the original adventures of Spider-Man, Fantastic Four, Hulk, X-Men, Captain America, Doctor Strange and the like. But the text bridging the reprinted material is maddening, the tone is schizophrenic, and often the pages are ill-designed. Nice try, but I’d rather just have a collection of origin issues.

Who’s Josh Howard? Dunno, but he’s the proud ringleader behind JOSH HOWARD PRESENTS SASQUATCH, an indie-comics anthology of stories specifically about Bigfoot and his hairy ilk. Maybe you got a sneak peek via last year’s Free Comic Book Day edition? If so, make do with that. Had this been more horror- and suspense-oriented, Howard might have had something. Instead, too many creators go the “funny” and/or cutesy route, which makes most of it hard to stomach. A couple of exceptions lie in David Hartman’s gory “Sawmill Horror” or Christopher Graybill’s absurdist “… The Yeti,” but that’s not enough to save it from disappointment. Some of the pieces are so bad they’re unreadable, while others merely mildly amuse.

After being hurled through the cosmos by Captain Marvel, Dr. Fate’s wayward helmet seeks a new owner in THE HELMET OF FATE, a five-issue miniseries now in one handy trade paperback. Each chapter stands alone, with the helmet finding its way to a different obscure character from the expanse of the DC Comics universe. Furthermore, each is tackled by a different creative team, and thus, has its own style and feel. FABLES‘ Bill Willingham does wonders with Detective Chimp, Steve Niles goes the E.C. route with Sargon the Sorcerer, and Gail Simone places it in the hands of Goth girl Black Alice, but it goes downhill from there, with fairly pointless excursions with Ibis the Invincible and Zauriel. So, about half-good.

More dark adventures with the apparently schizophrenic crimefighter await you in ESSENTIAL MOON KNIGHT: VOL. 2, collecting 20 issues from the superhero’s early-’80s series. Here, Moon Knight goes to Mardi Gras, encounters a demonic creature, teams up with The Thing to tackle a Medusa-esque monster, fends off a trio of kung-fu chicks on an island fortress, tracks down a cabbie killer, takes on Kingpin, and just about loses his hot girlfriend. Brother Voodoo and Werewolf by Night also make appearances, and a couple of shorter backup stories serve as prequels, showing Marc Spector’s days as a mercenary. A lot of value is packed into these 600 pages, with great scripts from Doug Moench and greater art from Bill Sienkiewicz.

Whereas the SPIDER-MAN FAMILY one-shots rounded up reprinted material featuring a variety of Spider-Men across time, the new series – of which the first three issues are contained in SPIDER-MAN FAMILY: BACK IN BLACK – is comprised of all-new stuff featuring an array of characters from Peter Parker’s world. In this digest, Spidey fights The Sandman, Black Cat fights Hellcat, Spidey fights Venom, The Lizard fights a lab assistant, Spidey fights The Fantastic Four and Electro, and Scorpion fights Venom. It’s a bit ballsier than the all-ages rating on it would have you believe, but it’s still a bunch of fun.

After collecting 52 in a series of four trades, DC Comics still found a way to milk an extra few bucks out of the franchise with 52: THE COMPANION, which reprints noteworthy, non-52 stories of 10 of the series’ most valuable players, including Steel, Elongated Man, Booster Gold, Rip Hunter, Renee Montoya, The Question and Black Adam. Best are Grant Morrison’s Animal Man adventure in a time-frozen Paris, and Steve Gerber’s look at an unhinged Dr. Magnus, creator of the Metal Men. Skip the Adam Strange chapter, which is text-based and never before reprinted for a reason. –Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Should you choose to read DARK DISTORTIONS – the inaugural release of indie publisher Scotopia Press – it’s a near-guarantee that the book will undergo a transformation in the process, from a mint-condition paperback of considerable heft to a dog-eared stack of no-longer-solid-white pages, stuck between peeling covers.

It’s my own fault, really. So into its nearly 600 pages of brand-new dark fiction I was that I took it everywhere I went: to breakfast, to bed, to work, to the park, in the car. I put it through the ringer, but several of its stories did the same to me.

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Because time isn’t always kind: economic reviews in a world full of waste!

I’ve never quite been able to get into Dennis Etchison’s work. I’ve always ending up liking the anthologies he’s edited more than the actual fiction he’s written. The same goes for GOT TO KILL THEM ALL & OTHER STORIES, Cemetery Dance’s new collection of his short stories – some new, others dating back to the birth of his career in the ’60s. To me, his fiction seems a little fill-in-the-blank, as if not everything he needs to say is said, leaving this reader feeling like either every other sentence has been removed or that I just don’t get the joke. This is a shame, because KILL THEM sports a number of intriguing premises … that just didn’t pay off for me. I’m in a minority there, I know.

Perhaps no one deserves a ribbing as much as the Nazis, and New Yorker cartoonist S. Gross gives them 120 pokes in WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING YOU LAUGH: 120 FUNNY SWASTIKA CARTOONS. This rectangular hardback takes about five minutes to read, with one drawing per page. The entries fall into two categories: deliberate barbs at the Nazi party, and largely nonpolitical ones where the swastika merely takes the place of a random object, like a lamp or a Slinky. Despite the subtitle, not all 120 are funny (I’d say half are at least humorous), but you have to love the fairy waving a wand at a Nazi and saying, “Poof! You’re circumcised!” and the cactus who asks its armband-wearing owner, “Are you my mother?”

Every year, sorority girls wanting to get back at their dads pose nude for Playboy’s college issues, which may or may not later become a sticking point with prospective husbands. But imagine the explaining the coeds pictured in BOINK: COLLEGE SEX BY THE PEOPLE HAVING IT will have to do. Edited by Alecia Oleyourryk, Christopher Anderson and Vanessa White, this collection of articles and pictorials from the collegiate sex mag is most notable for featuring no-imagination-needed photo spreads of higher-ed student couples – same- and opposite-gender – playing around with themselves and one another. But like Playboy, you might want to read it for the articles, which include true confessions of a guy who’s still a virgin and a girl who’s a serial masturbator. Interesting to say the least, even if it leaves you wondering why.

Move over, Sudoku! Now there’s YUBOTU. You might known it better as Battleship. Peter Gordon, Mike Shenk and Conceptis Puzzles (the firm behind SNAKES ON A SUDOKU) here assemble 200 of these “addictive” pencil games for the armchair torpedo commander in you, divided into different skill sections like “petty officer” and “admiral.” As with the Milton-Bradley game, the object is to find – and sink – the fleet floating in a visually pleasing grid. Unlike Battleship, it’s not so simple. In fact, it takes about 15 pages of rules up front to explain. Because of that, the impatient among us won’t even make it to the first round. –Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Horror fan fave Ray Garton dishes out a lucky 13 scraps of short fiction in SLIVERS OF BONE, a new collection from Cemetery Dance featuring a mix of reprinted and all-new material. Any worries that the collection might not feature Garton’s usual salacious blend of sex and suspense will be dispelled from the start, as “The Guy Down the Street” concerns a couple of suburban dads who decide what to do about their creep neighbor who’s been doing their daughters on the Internet.

“Second Opinion” is about a writer who’s claimed to have penned the perfect story, except for the ending, which he can’t figure out. Trouble is, everyone he consults to help pays for doing so with their lives. “Website” has a WWW newbie driven insane by a mysterious site that shows him video clips of what everyone in his immediate circle is doing at that very moment.

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I know it’s a little early to begin getting excited about the release of HELLBOY II in July, but dammit, I’m getting itchy. To calm the jitters, I took a look at a recent five-issue story arc in one of HELLBOY’s companion comics, Mike Mignola’s B.P.R.D.: BUREAU OF PARANORMAL RESEARCH AND DEFENSE. This is the übersecret government department to which Hellboy belonged before he recently quit. His team was assigned to monster-killing duty.

This story arc is called B.P.R.D.: KILLING GROUND – a depressingly generic title and not a good sign. It was written by Mignola and John Arcudi, with art by Guy Davis.

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Richard Laymon does not waste any time. Not even two sentences deep into his novel CUTS, bare breasts are being rubbed in a guy’s face. Love him or hate him, at least the author delivers from the word “go.”

Originally published in 1999 in a long-out-of-print Cemetery Dance edition, the ’70s-era CUTS centers on Albert Prince, who’s anything but. Like any other 17-year-old high school senior, he’s sexually frustrated, but takes said frustration out with a big ol’ butcher knife, which begins when he has an orgasm while stabbing a dog for no good reason.

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