For once, this monthly roundup of Internet search terms that bring people to BOOKGASM isn’t all that crazy (though I’m still scratching my noggin over “characters such as gwen and coral on the play away”). I mean, you’ve got your usual Sudoku, some leftover James Frey fallout, an alarming amount of LOST devotees and – literally and figuratively – Uschi Digard is still hanging in there. Picking up steam: fans of Douglas Preston, Lincoln Child, 24 tie-ins and one Tony winner’s impressive rack.

• scary movies
• 24 declassified
• dame agatha abroad
• characters such as gwen and coral on the play away
• skyscraper sudoku
• james frye book lied
• kristin chenoweth naked
• douglas preston the book of the dead
• abraham van helsing
• egging zach johnson
• smoking gun james frye
• the loveliest dead
• myth hunters christopher golden
• richard hawke
• 100 best novels
• short history of myth armstrong
• the reading level of 24 declassified: operation hell gate
• skincyclopedia
• koontz the husband
• read 9 1/2 weeks novel online
• bad twin lost
• bad twin gary troup
• uschi digard
• old mans war
• the bad twin book
• 24 declassified veto power book review
• mimi rogers breasts
• john twelve hawkes
• a million little pieces lie
• evangeline lilly breasts
• grindhouse tarantino
• james frye oprah
• sexy movies
• examples of bad writing
• the book of the dead douglas preston and lincoln child
• 24 declassified ebook
• russ meyer film covers
• emanuelle in america
• ray garton windows
• last templar jesus
• survivor off camera sex
• manhunt: the 12 day chase for lincolns killer
• zombie sightings
• jud ray fbi
• allen kupfer
• john waters living dangerously dvd buy
• lost tie in novels
• time novel list
• survivor j f gonzalez
• mimi rogers sex
• kitty and the midnight hour
• juggin joe
• joe gannascoli
• mystery and max allan collins and q&a
• sexy crime novels
• woken furies review
• best american nonrequired reading
• manhunt swanson movie website
• movie scifi channel jesus mary daughter knights templar
• american gothic tales poe
• dirigibles in stories

Though ibooks’ bankruptcy has likely dashed all hopes for it to appear, John Gregory Betancourt’s HORROR: THE BEST OF 2005 would have contained the following stories, according to VanderWorld:

• Joe Lansdale, “Shadows, Kith and Kin” (OUTSIDERS)
• Jack Cady, “The Souls of Drowning Mountain” (TAVERNS OF THE DEAD)
• Holly Phillips, “The Other Grace” (IN THE PALACE OF REPOSE)
• Nicholas Royle, “Sitting Tennant” (POE’S PROGENY)
• Joe Hill, “The Cape” (20th CENTURY GHOSTS)
• Caitlin Kiernan, “La Peau Verte,” (TO CHARLES FORT, WITH LOVE)
• M. Rickert, “A Little Madness Goes a Long Way” (F&SF)
• Richard Bowes, “There’s a Hole in the City” (SCIFICTION)
• Barbara Roden, “Northwest Passage” (ACQUAINTED WITH THE NIGHT)
• Clive Barker, “Haeckel’s Tale” (DARK DELICACIES)
• Laird Barron, “Proboscis” (F&SF)
• Jeff VanderMeer, “Lost” (TEL)
• Ramsey Campbell, “Unblinking” (LOST ON THE DARKSIDE)
• Nick Mamatas, “Real People Slash” (SON AND FOE)
• Michael Marshall Smith, “Fair Exchange” (WEIRD SHADOWS OVER INNSMOUTH)
• Simon Owens, “This Hand, Waving” (CHIZINE)
• David Niall Wilson, “The Call of Farther Shores” (LOST ON THE DARKSIDE)

Damn. I would’ve loved to have read that. Just as I also was looking forward to two other Betancourt anthologies ibooks was slated to release: THE ULTIMATE UNDEAD and HORRORSCAPE 2: NEW MASTERPIECES OF HORROR.

Of the three trade paperbacks thus far collecting the current SWAMP THING run from Vertigo, SWAMP THING: HEALING THE BREACH is the best yet, even if it’s the toughest to describe.

Compiling issues 15-20, this BREACH baby begins with Swamp Thing still without his “powers,” so to speak, having earlier rejected them and the associated earthly responsibilities. Alec Holland’s mind is still floating out there in the netherworld, anxious to rejoin his old, root-strewn body, so he possesses the ailing mind of an old college professor to try to make a connection with Swampy. See, I told you it was difficult to describe, though it makes enough sense as you read. This arc comprises four of the six issues here, though the other two are related.

One of those is the most surreal SWAMP THING story yet, with a childhood Alec interacting with bizarre cartoon characters that pop out of his TV and show him glimpses of his future. But the final one is the real capper, with Swampy retreating so much that he becomes miniscule, fighting off spiders and ants on his way toward microscopic. It’s drawn by the legendary Richard Corben (recently of BIGFOOT), and his unique style is well-suited for this particular comic’s universe.

If you enjoyed the Lovecraftian direction of the previous volume, LOVE IN VAIN, you’ll be just as pleased with HEALING THE BREACH. Joshua Dysart’s storytelling could use a little tightening up to aid in clarity, but the art is all up to snuff, and you can just tell this title wants desperately to be the new SANDMAN. In terms of way-out weirdness at least, it’s already there. –Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t get a degree in journalism. Instead, I’d get one in FREAKONOMICS.

One of last year’s bestselling books, “rogue economist” Steven D. Levitt and New York Times Magazine reporter Stephen J. Dubner discuss how economics can be used not to find the answers to boring issues of supply and demand, unemployment and interest rates, but burning questions like “Does naming your child Shaniqua limit her job prospects for the future?”

Refreshingly non-politicized and ultimately fascinating, Levitt and Dubner apply basic Economics 101 rules to explain how you can tell if a teacher fudges standardized test scores and if sumo wrestlers are throwing matches. The stories behind why crack dealers still live at home with their moms and how one man used Superman to help bring down the Ku Klux Klan are as compelling as any fiction. The book grabs you from the get-go, offering the real reason for our nation’s declining crime rate. Neither gun control nor the death penatly, Levitt’s solution is one I won’t spoil for you.

I’m sure pieces of FREAKONOMICS have proven and will prove controversial, but it’s hard to argue when the approach is so common-sense and not influenced by monetary incentives. Besides, who else is using economics to study the business of bagels in the office or alleged racism on the game show THE WEAKEST LINK? No one, making it easy to see why FREAKONOMICS is so darned popular. It’s also so darned fun. –Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

You know how hard it is to write a different intro to these new-release roundups every seven days? Just curious.

• From Laurell K. Hamilton comes MICAH, the 12th novel featuring her Anita Blake, vampire hunter character.

• GOOD OMENS was the first collaboration between Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. Released in 1990, it’s proved so popular over the years in mass-market paperback form that it’s being reissued in a hardcover edition.

• MASTERPIECES OF MYSTERY AND THE UNKNOWN collects 28 classic Agatha Christie short stories, including “Three Blind Mice,” “Witness for the Prosecution” and all she penned in the supernatural suspense genre. Love the Saul Bass-esque cover.

• 30 DAYS OF NIGHT: RUMORS OF THE UNDEAD is the first of a series of original novels based upon Steve Niles’ acclaimed comics series about a town overrun by vampirism. This marks Niles’ novel debut (here co-writing with Jeff Mariotte), and based upon his terrific short story in the recent DARK DELICACIES anthology, he should be up to the task.

Science fiction author Octavia E. Butler – most recently of the vampire novel FLEDGLING – has died at the age of 58 after falling outside her home.

Butler, who debuted in 1979 with the time-travel parable KINDRED, is credited as the first African-American female writer to receive national prominence in the sci-fi genre.

For more information, consult the obituary at the Science Fiction & Fantasy Writers of America.

Four college roommates on the East Coast embark on a road trip to Arizona in search of immortality in THE BOOK OF SKULLS, Robert Silverberg’s 1972 novel now back in print thanks to a new Del Rey trade – something it deserved just for the cool cover alone.

From a text in their university library, the quartet of students in question – a Jew, a rich kid, a farm boy, a homosexual – learns of an ancient monestary in the middle of the desert known as the Brotherhood of the Skulls. Eternal life on this earth is promised by the Brotherhood, but at a price: One must commit suicide and one must be murdered in order for the other two to attain it. Strangely (but thankfully for you, the reader), all four seem to buy into the idea, so they make their way west, philosophizing, bickering and screwing each other (metaphorically) along the way.

SKULLS is told from each of the kids’ viewpoints, though consecutively instead of in RASHOMON fashion. Initially, I was afraid this approach would be confusing, but their personalities really stand out, if not their voices. My main problem lies with the long paragraphs that sometimes stretch out over three pages or when the narrative lapses into travelogue mode. Given that it’s more than 30 years old, the book shows its age (witness the gratuitous use of the word “groovy” or the name-checking of Peter Fonda), but its themes are timeless, with Silverberg playing the angst cards just as much as the spiritual, the horrific and, yes, the sexual (sometimes explicitly so).

This marks my introduction to Silverberg in the long form, and he’s as good here as I’ve found him to be in a fraction of the page count. His work is tight, intriguing and mostly unpredictable. It’s quite unlike anything I’ve ever read before and refuses to be pegged into one genre; for instance, the horror comes not out of a supernatural event, but the way the young men treat one another. It doesn’t matter where it belongs when it’s very good. Silverberg’s new afterword puts it in a proper historical perspective, not that you’ll need it to recognize the quality. –Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

The makers behind Showtime’s well-received MASTERS OF HORROR anthology miniseries have announced plans to produce 13 episodes of MASTERS OF SCIENCE FICTION for ABC, to air perhaps as early as this summer. Unlike HORROR, the SCIENCE FICTION show plans to adapt classic stories of the genre.

Among the fiction being discussed for adaptation are Harlan Ellison’s “The Discarded” and “‘Repent, Harlequin!’ Said the Ticktockman,” Isaac Asimov’s “The Last Question,” Ray Bradbury’s “Dark They Were, and Golden-Eyed,” as well as works by Robert A. Heinlein and Stanislaw Lem. (Via Son of Michael May)

Though its cover may be among the ugliest I’ve ever seen, THE ELASTIC BOOK OF NUMBERS is one of the most original anthologies I’ve ever read. Edited by Allen Ashley, this small-press collection is comprised of 21 stories examining our relationship with (and dependence on) numbers.

If it sounds like a math assignment, don’t be startled. This is speculative fiction at its finest, with an underlying sense of paranoia a la the film PI. For instance, the married couple in John Lucas’ “Approaching Zero” seem mysteriously compelled to purge their household of belongings, while a computer nerd finds his life meaningless when he wins the lottery via an all-zero ticket in Joel Lane’s “Where None Is the Number.” Eric Shapiro’s “3:21″ deals with a man who believes he can resurrect his dead wife by focusing on the same number over and over; similarly, E. Sedia’s “Every Eight and Eleven” finds a man obsessed with two numbers attempting to use it to his monetary advantage.

In more horror-oriented entries, Donald Pulker’s enigmatic “Dial 1-800-2-To-Live” is on par with Richard Matheson’s classic “The Box” in both suspense and desperation. The hero of Charles Lambert’s “The Zero Worm” finds his body invaded by a worm that burrows red numerals all over his skin, and a man is driven to madness via his compulsion for perfection in Phil Locascio’s “The Square Root of 2.”

All of these stories mentioned are clever, but none as much as the powerfully enigmatic “Breach of Contract, Clause 6A” by Mark Patrick Lynch. In this increasingly tension-ratcheting puzzler, a man begins a job where he is presented a briefcase each day. Its contents are different and unexplained, and he has to figure out what he’s expected to do with them in an allotted amount of time, in order to be let out.

There are a couple of space-set stories that did nothing for me, but the book makes up for that in being brave elsewhere, such as a foreword rendered entirely in code and the closing “story” – “While We Were Sleeping, Numbers Took over the World” by Tim Nickels with Allen Ashley – that’s among the most experimental your eyes will see, namely because it reads like H.A.L. from 2001 wrote it just to fuck with your head. I like that, Dave. –Rod Lott

Buy it at Shocklines.

Leslie S. Klinger – editor of the BOOKGASM-approved, you-must-have-it two-book set, THE NEW ANNOTATED SHERLOCK HOLMES: THE COMPLETE SHORT STORIES, and its companion volume, THE NEW ANNOTATED SHERLOCK HOLMES: THE NOVELS – is offering autographed bookplates to readers who couldn’t make an in-person signing.

Just send an SASE to Klinger at 10866 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 1500, Los Angeles, CA 90024. “Please indicate how many you wish and whether you want a personalization,” he noted.

Buy it at Amazon.

To help promote Steve Berry’s THE TEMPLAR LEGACY, Random House is asking readers to solve a cryptogram for a chance to win a copy of the new thriller. Just hop on over to the official TEMPLAR LEGACY website to test out your mad code-bustin’ skillz.

It looks like work to me, but then again, it’s gotta beat Sudoku and Kakuro, because have those guys ever won you a book?

Buy it at Amazon.

THE LEGEND OF JUGGIN JOE is quite possibly one of the worst books I have ever read, in whole or in part. And I feel like a total jerk for saying so, because I know it may destroy a little part of author Joseph Yakel’s literary dreams. Sorry, but an honest critique is an honest critique: I hated, hated and hated this book.

The main problem is that it’s written in a redneck “wuz,” “git,” “tah” and “’nuff” backwoods style that’s virtually unreadable. (In all fairness, check out this preview and see if you don’t agree.) Maybe that shit works for the Larry the Cable Guy Book Club, but in the real world – especially the humor world that the book prescribes to be a part of – it’s completely lame, unfunny and too much work to decipher. I could only get about 23 pages into it until I just gave up. Those 23 pages took up 12 minutes of my life and even that’s way too long. To save you those precious moments, here’s the Lou’s Notes version: “This sucks. Avoid. The end.”

Now I’m off to my Total Dick Convention. See you there. –Louis Fowler

Buy it at Lulu.

I can’t say I didn’t expect this, but Locus Online is reporting that ibooks and Byron Preiss Visual Publications both closed their doors yesterday after filing for bankruptcy. No doubt publisher Preiss’ untimely death in an auto accident last summer has something to do with the companies’ demise (and recent erratic publishing schedule).

So what does this mean for those as-yet-unreleased ibooks titles like the inaugural HORROR: THE BEST OF 2005 or the usual year-enders for sci-fi and fantasy? Though no official announcement has been made, I suspect we won’t see them. Damn.

Some past ibooks titles we’ve reviewed in our short time here:
• JACK THE RIPPER
• MISTER X: THE DEFINITIVE COLLECTION VOLUME TWO
• MYSTERY FOR CHRISTMAS
• THE ULTIMATE FRANKENSTEIN
• THE ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN
• YEAR’S BEST GRAPHIC NOVELS, COMICS & MANGA

As an admirer and real-life example of marginal ideas gone horribly wrong in the most expensive and embarrassing manner, I enjoy and celebrate failure of epic proportions. FIASCO: A HISTORY OF HOLLYWOOD’S ICONIC FLOPS takes an in-depth look at classic film failures such as CLEOPATRA, PAINT YOUR WAGON, ISHTAR, SHOWGIRLS and BATTLEFIELD EARTH.

Much like a History Channel deconstruction of Custer’s Last Stand or the Titanic disaster, author James Robert Parish breaks down not only the glaring financial irresponsibility but also the artistic failures that forever doomed these flops. Parish illustrates with clarity and frankness the film industry’s journey from the largely restrictive yet efficiently budgeted old-Hollywood system to today’s ego-driven Tinseltown power-hitters given carte blanche to make absolute crap. Unapologetic and wry in tone, Parish is quick to point out when the cinematic powers that be have failed to learn from past mistakes without sounding like an armchair executive himself.

One can’t help but be in awe of the monetary figures Parish presents, but even more satisfying is the reinforcement of the fact we all seem to know: Many of the movie industry big shots beloved by John Q. Moviegoer are, in fact, complete assholes. From Elizabeth Taylor to Kevin Costner, Robert Evans to Robert Altman, Parish effortlessly paints portraits of demanding and childish actors, directors with death grips on idiotic visions and producers so desperate for box-office gold that even a Joe Eszterhas script looks good. From the melodramatic shenanigans behind the scenes of the Sean Penn/Madonna pairing SHANGHAI SURPRISE to the staggering cast and crew drug use in Malta while filming POPEYE, the stories of bad judgment are often juicy and hilarious, but – for example, considering Robin Williams’ behavior at all other times – aren’t entirely shocking.

In a world of $1,200 light bulbs, Scientology and questionable financial schemes leading to murder, most of the making-of tales would probably be more compelling than what’s destined to end up onscreen. As fun and engaging to read as the films it dissects are unwatchable, FIASCO is an immensely satisfying exploration of all the things that make the film industry feared and celebrated by those who enjoy America’s real favorite pasttime: Schadenfreude. –Danielle Wegelin

Buy it at Amazon.

What do you think of when I say “coffee table book”? An oversized collection of Georgia O’Keefe’s dirty-old-lady paintings or maybe a limited-edition pop-up of Frank Lloyd Wright’s horrendous habitations? Yeah, so do I.

Sadly, coffee table books have become synonymous with pretension; it’s a quick and sad way to make people think you’re a high-cultured member of the literati, probably even more successfully than sitting in a coffeehouse reading Balzac. I say be honest with yourself and about what your tastes are. What’s on my coffee table? Things that reflect what I like: TRASH: THE GRAPHIC GENIUS OF XPLOITATION MOVIE POSTERS and now LUCHA LIBRE: MASKED SUPERSTARS OF MEXICAN WRESTLING, a collection of astoundingly beautiful photographs by legendary Mexican wrestlers photographer Lourdes Grobet.

Running counter to the typical Sports Illustrated action shots Americans are used to, her pics went way beyond the outside spectacle of the sport and into the worlds of the superstars themselves, creating a line between real emotion and pure kitsch. See Santo relaxing behind the scenes of one of his films, bloodied luchadoras fighting tears after a loss, Solar at home with his family and fan-pics galore. Grobet’s photos are real works of outré art that should be hanging in a museum, as well as a brilliant testament to the power and fury of this much-mythologized but barely known sport.

So throw out that big book of Life Magazine photos. Who needs another picture of a toddler JFK Jr. saluting his dad when you can have pics of Fray Tormenta, the Luchador Priest, leading mass and jumping off the ropes? –Louis Fowler

Buy it at Amazon.

This book almost broke my resolve to read and review every STAR WARS novel ever published. The first half of the book was so uninteresting to me that it sat half-read for several months. But lately I’ve spent lots of time waiting for my compute to render, so I’ve been exhausting all my reading material. Finally, Kathy Tyers’ STAR WARS: THE NEW JEDI ORDER – BALANCE POINT was all I had left.

I’ve already set up the basic concept for this series on previous reviews, but basically an awesome race of aliens is invading our beloved STAR WARS galaxy and doing a great job of tearing shit up. By the time we reach BALANCE POINT, they’ve pretty much destroyed or taken over all the outer planets and are quickly moving towards the “Core” planets. The “Core” planets seem to be the ones that are actually in the movies, with Coruscant being the center.

This book picks up with Leia and Han trying to help out refugees who are winding up in all kinds of crappy situations, i.e. governments are offering safe haven in order to barter off the refugees as bloood sacrifices for the Yuuzhan Vong. The first half of the book is comprised of a bunch of running around and dealing with the interpersonal relationships of the Solo family. It gets a little tedious. Plus, there are so many different alien races running around and getting shaved (yes, shaved) that it was hard for me to keep track of it all.

One of the central threads running through the series to date has been Jacen Solo’s discomfort with using the force. It comes to a head in this book, and although it is not handles particularly well, this seems to be one of the key threads of the NEW JEDI ORDER series. For the entire series, I’ve been waiting for the Jedi to stop being contemplative pacifists and kick some ass. The resolution of Jacen’s internal struggle has consequences that will force the Jedi to get their act together.

So this volume is a real mixed bag. Based on the first half of the book, I thought this was going to be a filler volume that didn’t really move the larger plot forward. I was wrong. Some cool stuff ends up happening, I just wish these plot points had been entrusted to a more capable writer. At the very least, this restores my interest in seeing what happens next. –Chris Sharpe

Buy it at Amazon.

Fantasy fiction is notoriously difficult to write; it’s not just medieval trappings, monsters and a bit of magic sprinkled throughout. It’s a challenge. And the first 10 pages of any fantasy book are usually where you hook or lose the reader. The author has to convince the reader that this fantasy world has some verisimilitude; it needs to seem “real” even though it’s filled with spirits, wizards, flying bagels or whatever.

Lawrence Watt-Evans almost loses the reader in the first few pages of his new book THE WIZARD LORD, because of his one great weakness: inadequate description. Descriptive passages are even more difficult to write than realistic dialogue. Too little description can leave a scene lifeless, and too much can be boring. Watt-Evans provides an ample amount, but it’s generally dull. Where Peake or Eddison might wax poetic about darkling shades of crimson, Watt-Evans is content with saying “red.” This can be off-putting, but the reader should persevere because what Watt-Evans has accomplished here in this first book of THE ANNALS OF THE CHOSEN is a powerful study of governmental checks and balances, and the use and abuse of power in a convoluted system.

Read more »

Imagine, if you will, that you were smack dab in the middle of a zombie invasion. Now imagine that because you hesitated about getting away from said zombies, someone called you “fuckface.” Would you respond, “And you can stop calling me ‘fuckface.’ My name’s Avery Starke, and I’ve been told I’m a pretty good lookin’ guy.”?

Of course not. Which is why your reaction to that line may serve as a gauge to your reaction to the whole of DEATHBRINGER, Bryan Smith’s follow-up to HOUSE OF BLOOD. That 2004 title was purposely cartoony and over the top. So’s this one, but it lacks … well, the cohesive sense of fun, even despite a strong start and the occasional gem of a line like “The head on the dashboard was trying to talk.”

I hope I’m not spoiling it for you, but Smith’s book is about a guy who brings death. Shadowy and sinister, the Deathbringer is a member of a decades-old sect called the Reapers, who have the power to take your life simply by touch, and turn you into a flesh-eating zombie. (Protecting the world from Reapers? The Guardians, of course.) Taking a page from George Romero, our protagonists – a grieving cop, his ex-girlfriend, his almost-brother-in-law and the crazy punk slut who killed his fiancée – hole up in a house to survive the onslaught. But given that the crazy punk slut is kind of in on the game, they also have to fight the threat from within. And maybe have sex with her, because this girl’s horny switch is forever set to “on.”

Smith’s story jumps from serious to supremely silly, sometimes within the same chapter, making for an inconsistent read. With such wide jumps up and down the spectrum, you can’t really have it both ways. Am I to be elated or shocked when someone is dismembered? Am I supposed to laugh or cheer when a Guardian bursts in to save some hides and announces he’s “from the Mexico branch”? I can’t tell; it’s gory but not exactly scary, and nonsensical without being a parody. (But, for the record, I laughed on that Mexico bit.)

I will say that DEATHBRINGER does offer one thing I’ve never read before: a zombie giving herself the pseudonym Whisper Starshine, getting high in a VW bus full of stoners. I leave it to you to decide whether that’s a good thing. –Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Everyone seems to have met a version of this type of guy. The guy who has amazing yet hardly believable stories about saucy doings. By “saucy doings,” I pretty much mean drugs, but included in that definition is the possibility of adult babies, nuclear winter, retarded teenagers and disembowelment. If you’re lucky, these stories are told in such a way that you really do wish they’d actually happened.

Such is largely the case with Jeremy Robert Johnson’s collection of short stories, ANGEL DUST APOCALYPSE. Like your favorite drugged teller of meandering anecdotes, Johnson weaves vivid and fascinatingly grotesque tales regarding such things as a group of extreme body modification addicts (one of whom is pretty much made out of vegetables) to a cockroach suit that helps its maker survive WWIII. Only gladly, these stories aren’t sloppy, easily dismissible crap fantasies, but have been given serious treatment and emerge as fantastic and often graphic scenarios full of characters you hate to love.

I can’t say I loved every tale in the collection, but I can say I certainly hate ravers a little less now, and, much like the bizarre world in which Johnson’s characters live, that’s alternately a beautiful and horrifying thing. –Danielle Wegelin

Buy it at Amazon.

Alone this weekend? You don’t have to be. As long as you gotta couple of bucks, a video rental card and a family-size bottle of Jurgen’s, you’ll always have a hot date. But with so many porn choices out there – more than 500 whack films produced a month – you might be at a loss. You might feel like you are in over your head (no pun intended). You might feel inclined to grab the first title, and, in the end (again, no pun intended), not only be disappointed, but filled with lack and shame. You need help.

My first piece of advice would be to ask me what I’d pick. But if I’m unavailable, look no further than Seth Grahame-Smith’s glossy goo guide THE BIG BOOK OF PORN. Sure, it’s nothing more than a primer, but to the uninitiated, it might as well be the first book of the Bible. The nasty Bible.

From the history of the genre to the top classics of all time (hooray for championing THE SATISFIERS OF ALPHA BLUE and LET MY PUPPETS COME!), no classic is left untouched. The top actresses (Vanessa Del Rio, thank you for the memories) and Ron Jeremy (whom I’ve been mistaken for, sadly while clothed) are ranked, and the guide on how to make your own homemade stag film is helpful and fun. This BIG BOOK is loaded with full-color pics for the illiterate, but for the readers, Grahame-Smith’s style is hilariously self-deprecating, laced with real wit and wisdom. I’m actually kind of jealous I didn’t write this book first. –Louis Fowler

Buy it at Amazon.